Just for Reference

      There is nothing more exciting than getting a call for a job interview. The preparation of writing your questions for the interviewer, planning your outfit, and printing copies of your resume are all part of the process. When things go well, your references are requested. What happens when a reference lets you down?

I pride myself on being a good reference for my friends and up until a year ago, I thought all of my references were air tight. To me being a reference is about trust. You are entrusting someone with your professional reputation. You want them to speak about you in the highest light to a potential employer. I believed that because I had always been a great reference, my references would return the favor. This notion was in error.

A couple of years ago, I had aced an interview and had received an email requesting my references. I emailed them without a second thought. I had nothing to worry about, right? I began calling my references, informing them that they would be getting a reference call. 

One by one, my references called me and gave me details on what the employer asked as well as their responses. I was feeling confident, but not cocky. To me, it isn't a sure thing until you get an offer letter.

The next day I received a call from a friend who was listed as reference. She told me she was unable to get the reference call because she was teaching her class at the time. 

"No big deal." I responded.

"I'm really sorry," she said. " They left a message, but I couldn't break away from my class. I'm sure you'll get the job."

It was something about that second apology that seemed false to me. It was like she felt guilty. She asked if she could call me back later. I told her she could despite something feeling off. 

As I was hanging up I heard her say, "What are you laughing at?"  Then the eruption of a masculine chuckle before the line went dead. 

That's when I realized that it wasn't her class that kept her from giving a reference. My newly single friend was otherwise occupied. The moment she said that she couldn't call after receiving the voicemail, I knew something was up. I've returned reference call voicemails and left messages of my own. The employers had called me back and I left glowing references for friends and co workers.  I was happy that she was getting back in the dating game, but not at the expense of my career. 

I ended up getting the job, but it made me rethink who was on my reference list. Was I really willing to place my reputation in hands of someone so easily distracted? The answer was no. I revamped my reference list the next day and promptly began to think about the friendship I thought I had. 

When preparing for your next professional step live no stone unturned. Getting the interview is only part of it. Make sure that references are well thought out as your outfit. 

Wife's a b!@tch?

 As years have gone by, I have had the pleasure of watching my friends get married and even being members of various wedding parties. Even the engagements of my friends have truly been cause for celebration. On a social scale, is there really a division between the married friends and the single friends?

I have heard the argument time and time again that when some women get married, everything changes along with their friendships. I didn't believe this notion until a few years ago. I was at a gathering of friends when I was chatting with one of my friends that had been married two years earlier. 

"So what's been up?" she started.

"Nothing much," I replied.

"You've been single for a while. Do you ever want to get married?"

Wow. Was she serious? Interestingly enough, I'd had a boyfriend the previous year.

"First off, I had a boyfriend last year," I said pointedly. "Are you going to become one of those married women? I really hope not."

"What do you mean?"

"You know, the ones that become jerks with a ring?"

I figured one good turn deserves another.

"No, I just thought you'd want to get married."

"I do," I said sharply. "To the right person. I'm not getting married just because my wi-fi is slow. If you'll excuse me.."

I threw my plate in the trash and drove home. I couldn't manage judging another adult based on marital status. Seems ridiculous, right?

Over coffee I was talking with another married friend. She was mentioning some minor annoyances with her husband. It didn't seem like any of these things were big deals.

"Maybe you should sit down and talk to him about it?" I asked.

"It doesn't make since to even bring it up to him. My married friends get what I'm talking about."

"Is that so?" I asked. Only it was it more of a challenge than a question.

The rest of the conversation changed for me. Was there an invisible partition diving single ladies from married women or did I just need better friends?

A few years later, this same friend tried to launch into another litany of marital complaints. I wasn't having any of it. 

"Well, I'm single. You may want to consult your married friends."

She stopped abruptly and changed the subject. This pretty much confirmed that she knew why I had said what I said and that she knew she was out of line previously.

Don't misunderstand me, my married friends both male and female are amazing. They have found wonderful spouses to share their lives with. When it is meant to happen, I will happily take a trip down the aisle, but until then I'm content. Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution just yet.

Aunt Misbehavin'

 Aunts are special people. Not just the backbone of some families, but also three dimensional people that enrich the lives of nieces and nephews. I have just become part of this esteemed group and I couldn't be prouder.

Last year, during lockdown, my nephew was born and I became an aunt for the first time. He is the epitome of a "bundle of joy". I wasn't able to see him for a few months due to the pandemic, but once I did, I fell in love. I began to think about what being an aunt means and what kind of I aunt I want to be. It struck me that aunts come in all several varieties. I myself can't wait to be the jet set aunt who tells stories about her travels while impressing upon him the importance of afternoon ice cream sandwiches and attending The University of Michigan, if he stays in the state. (No pressure, of course.) Most importantly, I want to be a source of love as he grows and navigates the world around him.

One of the best things about being an aunt is not being bound by the same conventions and standards that parents are bound to. While I have no interest in being a mother, I look forward to being an aunt. Aunts are allowed to have a small glimmer of mischief, whether it's letting their niece or nephew stay up 20 minutes later or an extra piece of chocolate. Either way, I'm excited to share my world and learn his.

As I enter my new role, I have several great examples of what being an aunt is from my own immediate family. I can't wait to watch my nephew's future unfold. 

No Dumping

 As a human beings, we need to vent or get things off our chest. We rely on our friends and peers to be a listening ear when the world doesn't make sense to us. The question is: At what point does it become stop being constructive and become emotional dumping and ceaseless whining?

By nature, I try to listen and find solutions for friends and associates. I believe every problem has multiple solutions. It simply depends on what route you would like to take. As I've gotten older, I've realized many people don't want a solution. Fixing the problems in their life would give them nothing to complain about. They would prefer to complain and burden you mentally, leaving them to walk away "lighter".

The pandemic forced me to focus on the way that I feel and in turn my external relationships. It made me stop and analyze the people I was communicating with before the lockdown happened. What seemed obvious to me was that some of the "problems" weren't actually issues at all. On a broader level, some of the problems were self created. However, when I internalized them they became my surrogate issues.

I can think of one person in particular who used every social opportunity to "unload". No matter where I saw him, if we talked for any length of time, he had some sort of dilemma or problem. I would listen, while quietly observing that these issues were self made. It got to the point where I dreaded seeing him coming because I knew what was going to come out of it. One of the times that I ran into him in 2019, I stated to him that his current problem could be something he'd created. He paused for a moment and replied, "Probably". He kept going with his complaint as though I hadn't said anything at all. I was done. I wasn't being supportive. I was being used. I was an emotional landfill for people to dump their toxic feelings. It was in that moment, I was done. I decided that if a conversation was not constructive or solution based, I wouldn't be part of it. 

As 2021 continues, I have come to value and realize the importance of my own mental health and stability. I will still acknowledge those that I care about, but rampant self absorption and whining is not something I will deal with. Finding a solution is a choice. If whining is your solution, you'll have to do it away from me.

Lock and Key

 In this social media driven world, it's easy to post all of your life's details. It's also easy to watch the lives of others and gain a false impression. How much can you post while still retaining your privacy and identity?

I've always believed that secrets make human beings interesting. There's something about a person that is deeper than their surface appears. I wouldn't call myself secretive, but I absolutely believe in privacy and not sharing my future plans until they are fully formed. Even in relationships, I require a certain amount of privacy. People can know I'm in a relationship and who with, but not too much else. I enjoy social media, but I feel no need to post my whole life. There are parts of me that are for the public and parts that are only for me. Not everyone needs to know everything. I'd rather post a meme than post an intensely private detail about myself. The same is true in a conversation. I'll tell a joke before I reveal something personal. To me, platforms shouldn't shouldn't be used as a diary or a substitute for therapy. My devotion to privacy has led some to accuse me of being "cagey". I disagree. I believe in boundaries.

As I stated earlier, I don't share my future plans. I believe in planning and building silently. I do this for two reasons: 1.) I don't want people speaking fear into my goals. Sometimes well meaning people project their insecurities into your plans. I refuse to eat a meal that I didn't order. I prefer to let someone see the finished product. 2.) When I am building something or accomplishing a goal, I don't want an onslaught of questions based on an external timeline I didn't build. I will complete my objectives on my time and with my focus.

Succinctly put, the less people know, the less they can ruin. This is not to say that I don't have a few people that I bounce ideas off of, but I am very careful. People shift and one can't be too observant of these changes.

Privacy is one of the best and most inexpensive luxuries. Mystery is good. No matter what you give the world, there's nothing wrong with keeping a little back for yourself. In this poker game called life, I choose to keep a few aces up my sleeve.

Hindsight was 2020

 This past year was unprecedented to say the least. However, when I look back there were many lessons that stick out. For the sake of time, I will be sharing my top three takeaways from 2020.

One of the first lessons that I learned, was that self care comes in many forms. Most people think of a spa day when you mention the concept of self care. In my experience, it is  mostly saying no to stressful situations or to things that don't serve you. Making sense of the "new normal" caused me to focus on my mental health more than I had been before. I wanted to feel good emotionally. I became careful of what I watched and who I spoke to. If it pulled me down, I avoided it. I valued myself enough to do what was best for me. There were some people I didn't speak to as regularly as I previously had. I wanted to spend time with myself in a good feeling place. 

The next lesson that I learned, was that as you evolve and grow as a person, it will cause you to shed people from your life. This isn't a bad thing. As you reach new plateaus, you can't take everyone with you and you shouldn't try. We are conditioned to think that every friend we have will be with us until our last breath. Not so much. Release these people in love and keep it pushing. In 2020, people showed you who they were. They took their masks off and showed themselves to be the monsters that they had been all along. They felt no need to pretend to be human anymore. A general lack of empathy and compassion was at an all time high. Consider yourself lucky to now know the real them. Better late than never.

The third and final lesson that I took from 2020 was to take nothing for granted. When I think of all the trips I could've taken or the things I could've experienced, I get upset with myself. I figured I had 2020 to travel and spend time with friends. As we know, this didn't happen. This has made me even more determined to take trips once travelling abroad is possible. I have my sights set on Monte Carlo and the UK. I confess, I have been keeping a watchful eye on airline tickets. I even have alerts set. I am shameless. I love my apartment, but I need to see something else for a change.

 It's been said that a lesson is only useful if you learn from it. As 2021 gets started, I fully intend to apply what I have learned from the previous year. I'm curious to hear, what lessons have you learned?

Don't Call It a Comeback

Every writer knows there comes a time when you feel cut off from your own ideas and you need a reset. For me, connecting with myself was just the thing I needed.

When I started this blog  in 2013, I would never have imagined that I would get writers block. My ideas seemed to to come from everywhere. As time went on my creative impulses continued, but the death of my grandmother in 2016 brought me to a screeching halt creatively and emotionally. I carried on with my job and professional pursuits, but writing the blog became difficult. This was partly because my grandmother was the inspiration behind it. It was here emphasis on social graces and etiquette that made me want to add a modern spin to the lessons that she'd taught me.

As tumultuous  and unpredictable as 2020 was, I am grateful for the pause that it forced me to take. I was forced to take inventory of my life and relationships. Little by little, I felt flickers of ideas develop into a full blown yearning to write again.

Why write all of this? Simple. I am writing to say, sometimes you need a break from things that you care about before you burn out and  resent them. That being said I will be posting much more frequently. I missed writing this blog and I especially missed those who took the time to  read and comment.

It's a new year and I have quite a bit to say. I'm excited for you to read it, but most importantly, I'm excited to write it.