Standards Review

     Standards are put in place for a reason. In many cases, you shouldn't ever compromise. Why is it that we adhere to standards except the ones that we set for ourselves?


     The week before my 30th birthday, I was at one of my favorite downtown restaurants when I ran into a few people I'd met there before. The three of them are professors at the local community college. Rochelle is a psychology professor, Stuart is a Spanish professor, and Bob is a music professor. They had other friends that came and went as the evening progressed. Later into the evening it was just Stuart, myself and Bob. Somehow the conversation turned toward dating and relationships. I mentioned that I didn't date men in their 20's and 30's because of my multiple bad experiences.


    "You wouldn't date a guy who's in his 30's?" Stuart asked amused.


     "No, I have had a quite a few bad experiences. If I did I would have to do research on him first," I said standing firm.


      "Really? Bob's 37."


     Bob seemed charming, funny, and smart. He was okay looking, but I'd thought he was older.


     "You are?" I asked amazed.


     The second I said that, Stuart went into wingman mode by asking me about my interests and linking them to Bob's.


     "I see what you're doing," I quipped.


     Stuart went home leaving Bob and I to talk. As I said, I don't date guys so close to my age. (I turned 30 in June.) I prefer men 41-57 years old. We just seem to interact better. There are less games and we have better conversations. Bob seemed different and his full head of salt and pepper hair didn't hurt. What can I say? I'm a sucker for graying hair. We exchanged number and headed our respective ways. The next day, he invited me to a pool party that his friends were throwing at their home.


     The pool party went well and his friends seemed nice. However, his friend who was throwing the party after a few drinks told him "not to screw this up." That was the first red flag. In addition, he disclosed that he was in therapy and hadn't even told Stuart why. For the sake of his privacy, I will take the high road and not disclose the reason either. In spite of this,  Bob and I made a date for that next Friday, which was the day after my birthday. He and I were supposed to see each other the day before our date. I received a text that day from him saying he wouldn't be able to make it. The older I get, the more I trust my gut. My stomach churned in such a way that I knew something was amiss.


     Sure enough, at a few minutes before midnight and the beginning of my 30th birthday, he sent me a 4 page text message that said that though we'd "shared special moments" he'd met someone that he wanted to get to know. As a result we wouldn't be able to go on our date the next day.


     I wasn't hurt, just irritated. We'd only known each other a week, so there was no emotion stock in him. I have no patience for immaturity such as this. My text back to him was 3 sentences long. It read: I don't appreciate having plans made to have them broken. I also don't appreciate having my time wasted. Don't ever call me again..


    This incident taught me a lesson. Never lower my standards no matter how charming a man appears to be. He initially wasn't my type, it would've been best if I'd stuck to that. I should've ran for the hills when his friend warned him not to screw up and when he told me he was in therapy. Standards are set in place as a form of measurement. If a man doesn't measure up, there is no reason to move forward.

A Step Above

     Step parents can be amazing or fuel on the family fire. After time, they fill an important role in a person's life.


     When I was 24, my father married a woman named Georgette. The moment I met her we hit it off. She was strong, funny and driven. A woman after my own heart. She was always ready to listen and give advice, but she was far from a yes man. She told you the truth.


     Unfortunately, she and my father's marriage started to erode. I remained close to her. She tried to make it work with my father, but the marriage couldn't be saved. She had always been supportive of me. Though it was sad that they were no longer together, I saw no need to end the relationship we'd built.


     To this day, she and I are still close. She and her parents came to my graduation party, when I'd graduated from college. She is happily re-married and just as wonderful as before. I am truly fortunate to have met her.


     People leave and enter your life for many reasons. If you are fortunate to have a person who willingly steps into the parent role, get to know them. It can be amazing what they teach you.

Chased and Restrained

     When you have an attraction to someone, it is nice to have that person notice you back. You use subtlety to gain more attention, but how long is too long to wait for a final result? When is the "back and forth" too much?


    As you my remember, in February, I mentioned I had a crush. He and I saw each other few and far between. In June, we had the opportunity to get lunch and talk. We chatted about our respective lives, jobs and everything we could think of. He mentioned that he was free the following Saturday and asked how I spent my free Saturdays. I told him I tried to relax since I so rarely have them. He mentioned that he hadn't been to my town's newly renovated Farmer's Market. I hadn't either at the time, so I was excited at the prospect of where this was going. He said that we should meet up and he'd give me a call if he went down there. I was optimistic, but I didn't get my hopes up. I've crushed on this guy for 2 years without anything solid to speak of. No matter who I dated, he somehow snuck into my thoughts. Even with my feelings, I refused to be unrealistic. There was no way that he didn't know I was attracted to him. The ball was now in his court. It was up to him to act.


     When that next Saturday rolled around, I had to attend a wedding. It didn't matter because he never called me, so I was right not to build my expectations. At that moment, I had an epiphany. I had tried to get his attention. Where was his effort? He'd had a golden opportunity to get my undivided attention and he didn't use it. Before I'd have chalked it up to him being more introverted than me, but even a really shy guy will put forth more effort if they like you. I deduced that he must not feel as strongly about me as I thought. When a guy wants you, he lets you know.


     As you pursue someone, the question becomes: Is this person as interested as I am? If not, there is no need to continue further. I've spent long enough on this gentleman. While I didn't put my life on hold, I gave him too much mental space for too long. That ends now.

I'mma Let you Finish...

     There's nothing better than having a lively conversation with new acquaintances. Sharing ideas and forming new ones with others is exciting. It is frustrating however, when one person continues to cut off others who are speaking with no apology in sight.


     A couple of months ago, I went to a networking meeting at my city's Chamber of Commerce. After it ended, myself and three others who attended the meeting decided to grab dinner across the street at a restaurant. As the conversation went to local politics, the one member of our party refused to not be heard. He cut each of us off as we were in mid sentence and if we dared to disagree with him, he bludgeoned us with his views. At one point, he'd asked me a question. As I answered the question he interrupted me.


    "If you'd let me finish, I'll explain my point," I replied trying to remain calm.


     "Let the lady finish," said the other gentleman at the table.


     As I proceeded he sat in his seat agitated. He was just bursting at the seams to speak. His enthusiasm was admirable, be he interrupted countless times without being the least bit remorseful. In addition, most of his points were inaccurate. So much so, that myself and the other two people at the table tried desperately to suppress our smirks.


     When the other lady began to speak, he interrupted her also.


     "No, you've got that wrong!" he scolded.


     "Could you let me finish?" the lady asked pointedly.


     "You aren't the only one with a thought in your head," the other gentleman admonished.


     By the time it was time to leave, the three of us were mentally drained. The other lady and gentleman got ready to leave and I said my goodbyes as I headed to the restroom. When I came out, the abrasive fellow was still at the table.


     "See you later," I said walking past the table and heading for the door.


     "Are you on Linked In?" he asked.


     "Yes," I said hesitantly.


     Did I really want to be "linked" to someone so obnoxious? Not so much. It was bad enough that I would see him at the next meeting.


     "Okay. I have your card. I'll look you up," he said with a glimmer of hope.


     "Right then. Goodnight," I said over my shoulder and headed out.


     There's nothing wrong with having your voice heard. Your voice is part of you. You don't have to be overbearing with you view point. When you are tempted to replicate this kind of behavior just remember: Copernicus called and you aren't the center of the universe.

Textually Active

     Everyone texts. It is an unavoidable form of communication. Why is it that people don't use manners when using it?


     One thing that everyone loves about texting is how fast and simple it is. Sometimes this is also its problem. I remember when I was working in retail during inventory, a coworker was broken up with by text message. How rude and cowardly, I remember thinking. You didn't text to start the relationship, so why text to end it? Texting has become a force field for people not brave enough to say bold statements to your face. There are no vocal inflections or facial expressions unless emoticons count. This makes misunderstandings all too common over text.


     Another problem with texting, is that people abandon common sense and social graces. My friend, Liza told me she was at a wake recently and saw someone texting. Really? How disrespectful to someone's memory can you be? If there was a time to take the night off from texting, that would be it. In addition, how many people have caused accidents or killed people by texting and driving? Don't misunderstand me, I text, but I still prefer human interaction.


     Texting isn't wrong, but how you use it can be. Some things are better face to face. Don't hide behind your words. Stand behind them instead.

Papa (Is) a Rolling Stone

       Father-daughter relationships are special. Your father is supposed to give you insight into male behavior and shield you from harm. In modern society, this doesn't happen regularly. What has happened to fathers?



       My father was 21 when I was born and in the Army. He expected that he and my mother would get married. My mother declined, which was best since they are so ill suited for each other. I met him when I was 5 years old. Even upon meeting him, he spoke mostly about me changing my last name. I told him no. I saw him sparsely throughout the following years. He'd even told people I wasn't his child. This lie caught up with him when he was working with a friend of my mother's and didn't know it. My mother wasn't amused. He ping ponged in and out of my life when he wanted to impress a current girlfriend. He also would favor their children over me. At 12, I decided to stop seeing him after he put me in a car and yelled at me until I cried. He reached out again when I was 15. He immediately began talking about my newborn brother instead of trying to repair our relationship. I was done, or so I thought.



       About a month after my high school graduation, my father popped up over my house. My reaction to him was cold. He and I went to his father's grave. He told me he wanted to establish a relationship. I told him bluntly that if he disrespected me or mistreated me, I wanted him to lose my phone number. He agreed.


 
      From ages 18-24, we were on decent terms, but we frequently had disagreements because my father doesn't like to be held accountable or to deal with people who don't share his opinions. He won't agree to disagree. When he and my stepmom split, he was angry that I wouldn't stop communicating with her. He even accused me of telling people that  they were divorcing. I hadn't. He began leaving rude voicemail messages, which I ignored.


 
      The week of my 25th birthday, he called me at my job and screamed at me over the work phone and hung up in my face. He wanted to know why I hadn't called him. I was seething. I promised to call when I was out at work. Boy, did I. I shredded him. I told him how disrespectful he'd been to me my entire life and how disrespectfully he'd treated my siblings. I told him that I was done with his childishness. I let him have it when he tried to interrupt me. He'd interrupted my life enough. I told him never to call me again. This time, I hung up.


     I occasionally saw him at church. It bothered me how he pretended to be a decent person and falsely represented himself to the others that attend our church. They don't know that he's been married 5 times, that he barely supports my 4 other siblings, and that he is frequently unfaithful in relationships. He now resides in Hawaii, lying and impregnating other women, I'm sure. His service to this great nation is the only place that he hasn't failed as a man.


     This story has a  happy beginning and ending. I was raised by my maternal grandfather, who taught me what a father should be. When I had chicken pox, he went to my school and picked up my work to keep me from being behind. He comforted me and let my tears soak his shoulder after my first heartbreak. My actual father saw an ex that I'd almost gotten engaged to and told him he accepted his new life. My grandfather, taught me things, like the importance of self worth and independence. He never let me slide with subpar grades. I owe my work ethic, inner strength, and faith in God to him.


    Though my actual father failed me, I have a good example of what a father is. My grandfather was the first to hold me when I was born and that's when our bond started. Sometimes the relationships you need and hold dear don't come in the form you thought they would, but that doesn't make them any less valuable.

Hell in High Heels

     No matter how nice you are, there is always a button that can be pushed. I'm no different. The question is: What does it take?


     I don't consider myself a confrontational person, but if trouble comes my way, I deal with it. One night last December, Liza and I decided to have a much needed girl's night out. The bar that we went to was one that neither of us had ever been to before. I thought one of my favorite local d.j.s was spinning. The problem was he spins on Saturday and we were there on a Friday. Liza and I made the best of it. The music was good and the wait staff was awesome. Our seating was not so great. We were sitting against the wall behind a round table of about 13 guys and 2 ladies. In spite of our awkward placement, we were still having fun.


     As the night progressed, one of the guys at the table that we were sitting behind had a little too much to drink. He thought it would be funny to knock over the Club Keno slips that were on his table. The waitress picked them up and tried to laugh off his bad behavior. Next, he knocked a pitcher of ice water on three women sitting by the door. The woman who got splashed the worst was wearing a short skirt. Keep in mind this was in mid-December. Noticing his behavior, Liza moved the bowl of salsa that we'd had for our chips towards her and asked if I wanted to move. I told her that he should move because he was the one causing trouble.


     As Liza and I chatted, I felt a slight touch on my arm. I looked over to see "the jerk" touching me.


     "What are you doing?" I asked pointedly.


     "I can't touch you?" he asked.


     "No. I don't like some men  I know touching me, so I really don't like men I don't know touching me," I replied.


     He stopped for a couple of seconds and began doing it again.


     "Stop it," I said turning toward him.


     Finally, he stopped touching me. He then decided to interrupt Liza and I as we were talking.


     "Are you going to keep doing that?" I asked.


     "Yes." he sneered.


     " Stop it. You're pissing me off," I warned.


     Finally, he went too far. A few seconds later, he stretched out his arm to our table and tried to flip over our bowl of salsa on us. Luckily, Liza caught it in time. All I could envision was this red salsa on Liza's nice semi-new light pink sweater and I lost it.


     I'm not afraid to tell you I used some "unorthodox" language. I was so mad that I don't even remember everything I said. I apparently startled his friends, who moments ago had laughed at his antics. They rushed over to me, imploring me to calm down and even offering to pay my bill. This only made me more angry. When a woman's angry, telling her to calm down is a bad idea.


     "I am calm! Your friend is still sitting upright, so I am calm!"


     Long story short, he was asked to leave and his friends got him out. As with anything, it's the principle that matters. I shouldn't have had to go temporarily insane for his friends to check his behavior.


     We all have things that will pull us out of character. Before losing your cool, you have to ask if it's worth it. Standing up for my friend and I was worth it to me. If you want to see my temper, keep bothering me or those I care about.