Lock and Key

 In this social media driven world, it's easy to post all of your life's details. It's also easy to watch the lives of others and gain a false impression. How much can you post while still retaining your privacy and identity?

I've always believed that secrets make human beings interesting. There's something about a person that is deeper than their surface appears. I wouldn't call myself secretive, but I absolutely believe in privacy and not sharing my future plans until they are fully formed. Even in relationships, I require a certain amount of privacy. People can know I'm in a relationship and who with, but not too much else. I enjoy social media, but I feel no need to post my whole life. There are parts of me that are for the public and parts that are only for me. Not everyone needs to know everything. I'd rather post a meme than post an intensely private detail about myself. The same is true in a conversation. I'll tell a joke before I reveal something personal. To me, platforms shouldn't shouldn't be used as a diary or a substitute for therapy. My devotion to privacy has led some to accuse me of being "cagey". I disagree. I believe in boundaries.

As I stated earlier, I don't share my future plans. I believe in planning and building silently. I do this for two reasons: 1.) I don't want people speaking fear into my goals. Sometimes well meaning people project their insecurities into your plans. I refuse to eat a meal that I didn't order. I prefer to let someone see the finished product. 2.) When I am building something or accomplishing a goal, I don't want an onslaught of questions based on an external timeline I didn't build. I will complete my objectives on my time and with my focus.

Succinctly put, the less people know, the less they can ruin. This is not to say that I don't have a few people that I bounce ideas off of, but I am very careful. People shift and one can't be too observant of these changes.

Privacy is one of the best and most inexpensive luxuries. Mystery is good. No matter what you give the world, there's nothing wrong with keeping a little back for yourself. In this poker game called life, I choose to keep a few aces up my sleeve.

Hindsight was 2020

 This past year was unprecedented to say the least. However, when I look back there were many lessons that stick out. For the sake of time, I will be sharing my top three takeaways from 2020.

One of the first lessons that I learned, was that self care comes in many forms. Most people think of a spa day when you mention the concept of self care. In my experience, it is  mostly saying no to stressful situations or to things that don't serve you. Making sense of the "new normal" caused me to focus on my mental health more than I had been before. I wanted to feel good emotionally. I became careful of what I watched and who I spoke to. If it pulled me down, I avoided it. I valued myself enough to do what was best for me. There were some people I didn't speak to as regularly as I previously had. I wanted to spend time with myself in a good feeling place. 

The next lesson that I learned, was that as you evolve and grow as a person, it will cause you to shed people from your life. This isn't a bad thing. As you reach new plateaus, you can't take everyone with you and you shouldn't try. We are conditioned to think that every friend we have will be with us until our last breath. Not so much. Release these people in love and keep it pushing. In 2020, people showed you who they were. They took their masks off and showed themselves to be the monsters that they had been all along. They felt no need to pretend to be human anymore. A general lack of empathy and compassion was at an all time high. Consider yourself lucky to now know the real them. Better late than never.

The third and final lesson that I took from 2020 was to take nothing for granted. When I think of all the trips I could've taken or the things I could've experienced, I get upset with myself. I figured I had 2020 to travel and spend time with friends. As we know, this didn't happen. This has made me even more determined to take trips once travelling abroad is possible. I have my sights set on Monte Carlo and the UK. I confess, I have been keeping a watchful eye on airline tickets. I even have alerts set. I am shameless. I love my apartment, but I need to see something else for a change.

 It's been said that a lesson is only useful if you learn from it. As 2021 gets started, I fully intend to apply what I have learned from the previous year. I'm curious to hear, what lessons have you learned?

Don't Call It a Comeback

Every writer knows there comes a time when you feel cut off from your own ideas and you need a reset. For me, connecting with myself was just the thing I needed.

When I started this blog  in 2013, I would never have imagined that I would get writers block. My ideas seemed to to come from everywhere. As time went on my creative impulses continued, but the death of my grandmother in 2016 brought me to a screeching halt creatively and emotionally. I carried on with my job and professional pursuits, but writing the blog became difficult. This was partly because my grandmother was the inspiration behind it. It was here emphasis on social graces and etiquette that made me want to add a modern spin to the lessons that she'd taught me.

As tumultuous  and unpredictable as 2020 was, I am grateful for the pause that it forced me to take. I was forced to take inventory of my life and relationships. Little by little, I felt flickers of ideas develop into a full blown yearning to write again.

Why write all of this? Simple. I am writing to say, sometimes you need a break from things that you care about before you burn out and  resent them. That being said I will be posting much more frequently. I missed writing this blog and I especially missed those who took the time to  read and comment.

It's a new year and I have quite a bit to say. I'm excited for you to read it, but most importantly, I'm excited to write it.

Took Us A Break

   
     In this era of self care and mindfulness, do we actual practice what we preach? Most importantly, what happens when we do?

    As many of you noticed, I didn't blog much in 2017. I blogged 2 times to be exact. I put myself on a much needed hiatus. After the death of my grandmother in 2016, I just needed a second to reconfigure. I set out to do just that as 2017 approached. I had multiple jobs, each leading to one better. It was an amazing year of career catch up. It was as though the years that I was stagnant for 6 1/2 years in one job was being made up for by the universe.

     Two of the biggest lessons that I learned in 2017 that I am taking into 2018 was to know my worth and take (calculated) risks.  Many of these risks came in the form of job changes.  When I saw that I was undervalued and being treated poorly, it was as though an internal signal kicked me into high gear to find something more worthy of me. I listened each time. After my grandmother's death, I decided to live my life with no regrets and to not settle for anything or anyone not worthy of me. In the long run, that is the best self care of all. If I felt like my time was being wasted, I wasn't going to continue dealing with it.

     I also carved out more time for myself. I've always been a big believer that you can't enjoy the company of others if you can't stand your own company. I'd done this before, but I did it on a much bigger scale this time.  I went back to meditating, which has helped tremendously. I even created a vision board. I began to sharpen my focus and and quiet my mind of thoughts that weren't positive.

   
     What I also found was that self care often involves say "no" to things and people that would diminish your spirit. Many times, we worry about being mean and end up jeopardizing our well being in the process. I was determined not to do this anymore. I decided to be more hands on in the creation of my best life. My goal is to take center stage in my life and seize my aspirations and passions.

     There comes a point when we have to hit pause and see where we are. We have to be brave enough to look internally without fear and work towards being the best version of ourselves without hesitation.

Best Thing I Never Had

     I've heard it said that there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what you want and the other is getting it. What happens when not getting what you want turns out to be the best alternative?

     I'm an over thinker. I admit it. When I want something, I think about it... a lot. A few months back, I ran into an acquaintance while I was out and about. I used to have the biggest crush on him. Even when I told myself that I was done, he still found a way to take up space in my head. As we briefly chatted, it was like a spell was broken. It was as though all his words were strung together to produce some absurd limerick. He was saying things that actually defied logic. Instead of feeling butterflies, I quietly offered a prayer of thanks to God for never letting me date him. What had I seen in him? Why had it taken so long for me to notice what a debacle dating him would have been? 

     I find that when you want something and you can't have it, there is usually a good reason. The universe is trying to save you from a monumental bad time. At first, you aren't able to see it because your judgment is clouded.

     About five years ago, I applied for a job at an influential non profit in my town. I did every form of interview prep I could think of. I was ready. I really felt like I had the interview in the bag. They didn't send me my rejection letter until a month and a half later. I obsessed the entire time in between. When I got the letter, I was disappointed to say the least. That following Summer the same position was vacant and being advertised on an online job posting board, just like when I applied. I learned two things from this: 1.) This organization had high turnover in this position. 2.) I dodged a huge bullet.

Sometimes when something looks good, you can get carried away. You begin to picture the thing or person you want in your life without being realistic. Stand in your truth. Would this thing or person really be a good fit? Upon deeper investigation, the answer is usually a resounding no. The grass is greener only where you water it.

The Real Me

     In this social media age, it's hard to tell what's real and what's all facade. No one is really what they seem. With all the digital exposure, people are still unknown. Few people are really who they portray themselves as. Is it okay to be yourself?

     I try to be authentic. Fake people tend to grate my nerves. I try not to be around these people simply because I don't trust them or their intentions. Being "real" doesn't mean perfection. Most people forget that the first step to being yourself is to be honest about who you are. The past couple of years, I have made a conscious effort to be to be honest with myself.  I've found that I am type A, aggressive, and sometimes cold. I am warm towards those I care about, but people who have tried to take advantage of me experience my "polar vortex" firsthand. In addition to these traits, I am also passionate, efficient and resilient. However, the first three tend to shape my personal relationships.

     My type A and aggressive nature are what is needed to get things done professionally. Efficiency is something I have to be whether working my day job or doing my PR work. I am cold when my personal relationships don't yield themselves to warmth anymore. When I feel disrespect or lack of effort, I go cold as I mentioned above. I've come to terms with this. I don't lie about it or pretend it isn't so. That would be inauthentic.

    For example, at a previous job, a co-worker quit. She was given a going away luncheon. I confess, I didn't like her and wasn't sad to see her go. That being said I didn't attend. I wasn't rude about it, I quietly requested a half day and went home. To me, it was disingenuous to paste on a smile and feast on free food. I'd rather starve than dine on behalf of an enemy. I'm just being truthful. Some would argue my actions were harsh. I get it. Sometimes, you are in situations where civility is called for. That's fine, but when you have an option, I don't think you have to put up with certain things.

     Part of the human experience is to engage in the full experience. That experience should be as real as you can possibly make it. Not just real to others, but real to yourself.

Worst Laid Plans

 When making plans with someone, nothing takes the wind out of your social sails like a cancellation. Especially, when it’s an abrupt one. When does a cancellation go from reasonable to rude?

       

 Last summer, an acquaintance of mine from college, asked me out. If I’d looked over our previous Facebook messages, I’d have seen this coming, but I’d been busy. When he asked me, I figured it would be a nice outing between colleagues. I wasn’t expecting anything serious. Witty banter over dinner never killed anyone, right? He’s younger than me so, I saw no real promise in the date. Nonetheless, we set up a date for the coming Saturday and exchanged numbers.

    

      That Friday night, I decided to shoot Lachlan a text. I always like to follow up when I have plans with someone. Plus, I had sneaky suspicion.

      

      “What’s up?” I texted.

      

       “I’m sick,” He texted back.

      

 Seriously, I thought to myself. Who did he think he was kidding? I’d hoped he wouldn’t live up to trend of inconsistency that most men in my generation do, but as expected he did.

    

 I’m no fool. I knew what actually happened.

1.       He really was sick. (Ha!)

2.       He double booked. (I’ve been guilty myself. It’s called time management and you make it work.)

3.       He decided to binge watch a show or some other millennial excuse.

    

 Either way, I wasn’t amused. So I texted back, “Some other time.”

    

 Let me explain what that meant. If we weren’t acquaintances in the same social set, I would have texted him to get hit by a train, but I figured I’d be civil and never engage him socially so long as we both live. I did, however delete his phone number. I saw no need to keep wasting my phone’s memory. When Saturday came, I looked at an art exhibition, took myself to lunch and got a pedicure. Why waste the day?

      

Days later as I was on my way to run a quick errand, I got a text. It read: “What are you up to?” I didn’t recognize the number. I texted back, “Who is this?”

    

 A few seconds passed before the mystery texter answered back.

      

The text read: “Oh man. It’s Lachlan.”

    

 I was annoyed. I’m not Johnny on the spot. We had plans, he cancelled them. Sorry, Charlie. My time is valuable. Not my problem.

    

 I shot back, “Oh. I’m on my way out.”

      

“Ok. LOL,” he texted back. I have reason to believe there was no laughing out loud involved.

    

 When plans are made, each party need to be considered in the planning. If plans need to be cancelled, you should still be respectful of other people’s time whether it’s serious or not.