Breakups are never easy. They're even harder when one person refuses to accept it. I have noticed, especially among younger people, a trend of bothering their ex until he or she recants and takes them back.
One of my guy friends experienced this. He and his ex broke up last fall. She called him frequently as well as texted him. He usually ignored them, but when he acknowledged her calls or texts he usually regretted it. She questioned him about his whereabouts as though they're still together. When this didn't work she tried to guilt him into hanging out with her. The sad thing is he has said he would've considered being friends with her if she would drop her crazy obsessive behavior. Sometimes she wouldn't speak to him at parties. Other times she would isolate him in a corner at a party asking him a barrage of questions. This kind of behavior is ridiculous. If a person doesn't want to be with you, all the guilt in the world won't make it happen. From my understanding it only makes the person whose affection you want back instantly repelled.
After a relationship I tried to move on from my ex. My mistake came in thinking that perhaps we could be friends. At first we were civil and then it became arduous. Whenever we would hang out he would mention us getting back together. When I declined I was met with my own torrent of questions. He made every social interaction far more awkward than it needed to be. He began to randomly show up to parties. He would even corner my friends and ask why I wouldn't get back with him. Finally, I had to end my civility and cut my losses.
Relationships are interesting things. They can give us unbridled bliss or crippling heartache. Either way, when a relationship ends the best you can hope for is closure. Closure does not entail crying and begging the person to take you back. Desperation has a smell and it isn't Chanel No# 5. No matter what part you play in the break up, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and move forward.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The A(cad)emy goes to...
What is it about the playboy type that keeps women off their A-game? You know the guys I'm talking about. They are charming and their words are smoother than silk. They're wolves in gentleman's clothing.
I have always believed that gentlemen still exist. Unfortunately, their number is in shorter supply. The cad is a breed of man unto himself. Even the most self assured woman becomes giddy like a schoolgirl around him and can't hide her insecurities. He dangles the promise of a relationship in front of each woman knowing full well it is never going to happen. I had a male friend in college who was quite the Casanova. He and his girlfriend broke up several times. Even while they were together, he'd go on "sprees". He is charming, attractive and comes from a good family. He never promised the other girls a relationship. Honestly, he let them assume whatever they wanted, which is worse than if he'd led them on. He and his girlfriend would always get back together and it would work... for a while. The second they had another fight, he was back to his old ways. Sometimes she knew and sometimes she didn't. I and his other friends always knew. I found myself shaking my head often. I find that I don't have the tolerance for games. If I get a whiff of game playing, I wave goodbye and tell them never to call again.
When I was younger (and a ton more naive), I was pursued by one such type of guy. We'd grown up together and our mothers were even friends. I'd had a crush on him since we were children. It was as though he always seemed to call or text when my boyfriend and I were on the outs. During one of my break ups, he texted me saying that I should give him a chance. I did. The first couple of days were blissful, then my calls were not returned and my texts unanswered. Girls had always chased him, so he figured I'd be no different. That was his mistake. I stopped bothering and I was done with him altogether. He called a month later asking why I'd stopped talking to him. I told him I wasn't going to chase him and he could play games with someone else. From time to time he still messages me on Facebook. I ignore him. I know what he's all about. I don't have time for it.
I have always believed that gentlemen still exist. Unfortunately, their number is in shorter supply. The cad is a breed of man unto himself. Even the most self assured woman becomes giddy like a schoolgirl around him and can't hide her insecurities. He dangles the promise of a relationship in front of each woman knowing full well it is never going to happen. I had a male friend in college who was quite the Casanova. He and his girlfriend broke up several times. Even while they were together, he'd go on "sprees". He is charming, attractive and comes from a good family. He never promised the other girls a relationship. Honestly, he let them assume whatever they wanted, which is worse than if he'd led them on. He and his girlfriend would always get back together and it would work... for a while. The second they had another fight, he was back to his old ways. Sometimes she knew and sometimes she didn't. I and his other friends always knew. I found myself shaking my head often. I find that I don't have the tolerance for games. If I get a whiff of game playing, I wave goodbye and tell them never to call again.
When I was younger (and a ton more naive), I was pursued by one such type of guy. We'd grown up together and our mothers were even friends. I'd had a crush on him since we were children. It was as though he always seemed to call or text when my boyfriend and I were on the outs. During one of my break ups, he texted me saying that I should give him a chance. I did. The first couple of days were blissful, then my calls were not returned and my texts unanswered. Girls had always chased him, so he figured I'd be no different. That was his mistake. I stopped bothering and I was done with him altogether. He called a month later asking why I'd stopped talking to him. I told him I wasn't going to chase him and he could play games with someone else. From time to time he still messages me on Facebook. I ignore him. I know what he's all about. I don't have time for it.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
The Tipping Point
There is nothing more fun than a dinner out with friends. A great restaurant with incredible service can be the perfect cap on a fun night. What happens when the service isn't great or worse yet people don't want to tip?
Some of you may remember an earlier blog recounting a bad dining experience on Super Bowl Sunday. The feedback I received asked why I tipped the waitress. I only tipped her ten percent and I realize that tips are how wait staff make their money. In high school and college, many of my friends were waiters and waitresses. I remember hearing them complain many days about them getting bad tips even after they had been ran ragged. So for me, the service has to be absolutely deplorable for me to leave nothing. That isn't to say that bad service should be rewarded. By all news have little to no tip and/or ask to speak to the manger. On the flipside, what about good service and someone in your group of friends not wanting to tip?
Once when I was out with friends and a few associates, the night was drawing to a close and everyone was paying their respective bills. One of my friend's associates decided not to tip. When asked why he wasn't leaving one, he responded that he didn't have the money to eat and tip. I beg to differ. When you go out to eat you should also be factoring in the tip.
Having someone wait on you is nice when you want to relax. With that being said, the bill and tip is the cost for this lack of responsibility. If you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip. If not, you shouldn't be going out. At the same token, if the service is bad, deal with it accordingly.
Some of you may remember an earlier blog recounting a bad dining experience on Super Bowl Sunday. The feedback I received asked why I tipped the waitress. I only tipped her ten percent and I realize that tips are how wait staff make their money. In high school and college, many of my friends were waiters and waitresses. I remember hearing them complain many days about them getting bad tips even after they had been ran ragged. So for me, the service has to be absolutely deplorable for me to leave nothing. That isn't to say that bad service should be rewarded. By all news have little to no tip and/or ask to speak to the manger. On the flipside, what about good service and someone in your group of friends not wanting to tip?
Once when I was out with friends and a few associates, the night was drawing to a close and everyone was paying their respective bills. One of my friend's associates decided not to tip. When asked why he wasn't leaving one, he responded that he didn't have the money to eat and tip. I beg to differ. When you go out to eat you should also be factoring in the tip.
Having someone wait on you is nice when you want to relax. With that being said, the bill and tip is the cost for this lack of responsibility. If you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip. If not, you shouldn't be going out. At the same token, if the service is bad, deal with it accordingly.
Monday, May 6, 2013
No Passengers On Board
I like children. Their laughs are infectious and they aren't jaded by society yet. However, I have decided that I don't want any of my own. Yet as a woman, if you say this, you are judged as though it isn't your choice.
I have always known that I never wanted children. I like my friend's children, but it is something that I never want to embark on. There were times when I thought about it and even considered it, but upon further thought I knew it was not what I wanted. When I was 12, I remember reading an article about DINKS (Dual Income No Kids), and thinking it was a great idea. The idea of being with my husband taking trips and being active appealed to me even at such a young age. I like the idea of doing what I want and not having to say, "I have to find a sitter." Many of my friends have children. I play with their kids, spoil them, and enjoy my time with them. I don't push my viewpoint in the face of others. Whenever I am asked why I don't have children and I explain why, I am met with resistance and ire, as though it isn't my reproductive choice.
I find that when a woman says she doesn't want kids she is told that she will change her mind, or being told that the right man just has to come along. As though, Prince Charming coming along is a totally good reason to get pregnant even though I care not to be. My favorite is when I am told that because I am a woman I should want kids. I cannot tell you how infuriating that is. If a woman doesn't want kids, you aren't going to convince her by equating her to the sum of her parts. Having children is a choice. If you choose to, then by all means go forth and reproduce. If you decide that you do not want children you should not be brow beaten into it. Being a woman entails so much more than having a working uterus. Not wanting children also doesn't mean that you're bad with children because you don't want them. I am good with kids. I just don't have patience for the things that being a mother includes, especially childbirth. At 28, I know what I want. I shouldn't have to defend my choice. I have been blessed enough to have several women in my life who do not have children and have full lives.
Being a mother can be a wonderful thing, I'm told. It has to be something you want. If you decide that children are not for you, stick with your choice and remember that it is just that: a choice.
I have always known that I never wanted children. I like my friend's children, but it is something that I never want to embark on. There were times when I thought about it and even considered it, but upon further thought I knew it was not what I wanted. When I was 12, I remember reading an article about DINKS (Dual Income No Kids), and thinking it was a great idea. The idea of being with my husband taking trips and being active appealed to me even at such a young age. I like the idea of doing what I want and not having to say, "I have to find a sitter." Many of my friends have children. I play with their kids, spoil them, and enjoy my time with them. I don't push my viewpoint in the face of others. Whenever I am asked why I don't have children and I explain why, I am met with resistance and ire, as though it isn't my reproductive choice.
I find that when a woman says she doesn't want kids she is told that she will change her mind, or being told that the right man just has to come along. As though, Prince Charming coming along is a totally good reason to get pregnant even though I care not to be. My favorite is when I am told that because I am a woman I should want kids. I cannot tell you how infuriating that is. If a woman doesn't want kids, you aren't going to convince her by equating her to the sum of her parts. Having children is a choice. If you choose to, then by all means go forth and reproduce. If you decide that you do not want children you should not be brow beaten into it. Being a woman entails so much more than having a working uterus. Not wanting children also doesn't mean that you're bad with children because you don't want them. I am good with kids. I just don't have patience for the things that being a mother includes, especially childbirth. At 28, I know what I want. I shouldn't have to defend my choice. I have been blessed enough to have several women in my life who do not have children and have full lives.
Being a mother can be a wonderful thing, I'm told. It has to be something you want. If you decide that children are not for you, stick with your choice and remember that it is just that: a choice.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Misery Doesn't Love Company
Everyone complains about something, but when is it too much? Should you grin and bear it or just not be around it?
I have an associate who I was once very close to. Various things led to our lives going in opposite directions. I graduated college and began working full time, while she got married and had a son. Late last year, I ran into her at a mutual friend's birthday party. It was nice to see her again... at first. In the blink of an eye, she launched into how she hardly ever spent time with her husband or did anything fun anymore. I tried to show her the silver lining in every cloud she presented, but she kept shooting them full of holes. Throughout the night she complained about her marriage and social life. I tried not to let it pull down my mood. All I could think was, "If you're so unhappy, why would you get married?" Once some of her cocktails hit her system she seemed to perk up. We laughed and carried on with the party. As soon as someone mentioned going on a date or to a party, she started back up with the negativity. The one she used most of the night was, "I wish I could do that." Or, "I can't do that because I am married with a kid." By the time the party ended, I began to wonder why she'd even come out that night.
I began to reflect back to when she and I were closer. She always complained about any and everything. It wasn't normal crabbing, but a full on frontal assault of complaints that rendered you defenseless. Her complaints were sometimes launched at you at to make you feel guilty about whatever it was that she couldn't do. It suddenly hit me that while she'd matured as a wife and mother of young child, she was still the same. Since everyone at the party was unmarried and childless except her, we chose to ignore it or were involved in other conversations. Sadly, her dialogue was just like "old times" and not in a nostalgic way.
At the end of the night she tried to cement plans with other mutual friends and I for us to all hang out. I agreed, but it was the type of agreement that is made as one tries to escape. I don't have plans to listen to her complain for another evening. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle it without blowing a gasket. The moral of the story is: If people are celebrating, don't bring them down. If you think that you will, stay home until you can chase your blues away.
I have an associate who I was once very close to. Various things led to our lives going in opposite directions. I graduated college and began working full time, while she got married and had a son. Late last year, I ran into her at a mutual friend's birthday party. It was nice to see her again... at first. In the blink of an eye, she launched into how she hardly ever spent time with her husband or did anything fun anymore. I tried to show her the silver lining in every cloud she presented, but she kept shooting them full of holes. Throughout the night she complained about her marriage and social life. I tried not to let it pull down my mood. All I could think was, "If you're so unhappy, why would you get married?" Once some of her cocktails hit her system she seemed to perk up. We laughed and carried on with the party. As soon as someone mentioned going on a date or to a party, she started back up with the negativity. The one she used most of the night was, "I wish I could do that." Or, "I can't do that because I am married with a kid." By the time the party ended, I began to wonder why she'd even come out that night.
I began to reflect back to when she and I were closer. She always complained about any and everything. It wasn't normal crabbing, but a full on frontal assault of complaints that rendered you defenseless. Her complaints were sometimes launched at you at to make you feel guilty about whatever it was that she couldn't do. It suddenly hit me that while she'd matured as a wife and mother of young child, she was still the same. Since everyone at the party was unmarried and childless except her, we chose to ignore it or were involved in other conversations. Sadly, her dialogue was just like "old times" and not in a nostalgic way.
At the end of the night she tried to cement plans with other mutual friends and I for us to all hang out. I agreed, but it was the type of agreement that is made as one tries to escape. I don't have plans to listen to her complain for another evening. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle it without blowing a gasket. The moral of the story is: If people are celebrating, don't bring them down. If you think that you will, stay home until you can chase your blues away.
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