Text From an Ex

     When a relationship ends, it is best if both parties move forward. What if one party reaches out for contact...even when the other does not want to be bothered?

     One Sunday a few weeks ago, as I was getting ready for church, I received a text. I wasn't sure who it was from. The number was one that looked familiar, but I didn't recognize it. The text basically questioned why I hadn't wished the person happy birthday and that they guessed our relationship really was over. Suddenly, it hit me like a thunderbolt. It was my last ex-boyfriend, whose birthday was the night before. I was seething. We'd been broken up for five months at that point. How could he not understand that we were over? He had been so rude to me towards the end of the relationship that I was ready for it to be over, so for him to get selective amnesia because of his birthday seemed desperate and ridiculous. I chose to take the high road and text him back the following: "Don't ever text me again."

     Too often people dip back into their past thinking that they can change it in the present. It's a nice thought, but not realistic. When the past comes knocking, you don't have to answer. Go forward unafraid and be ready for all that life has to offer. You deserve that.

Mother Knows Best?

      When I was in college, I had a boyfriend who was close to his parents. This was a good thing...at first. It was only a matter of time before his relationship with his mother proved not to be such a good idea. When is the parental presence in a relationship too much?

     The first part of our relationship was blissful. His parents were great people. His mother was warm and welcoming. She and I seemed to have quite a bit in common. The trouble started shortly before our relationship hit its one year mark. Suddenly she took issue with everything that I did. She criticized everything from the way I danced to our overall relationship. We even broke up briefly because of it. We got back together shortly after.

      For a short period of time our relationship seemed to be back on track. Then the accusations started. She began to ask my boyfriend if he was giving me money because everytime she saw me I was dressed well. I was appalled, especially since I'd been loaning him money so that he wouldn't have to ask her. She even asked him what my credit was like. I was angry immediately. He didn't understand why I was upset. She was only getting started. His mother reared her ugly maternal head more times in our relationship.

      When my boyfriend's sister, Rochelle, started dating her boyfriend, Kelsey, her first year of college, it was as though he and I were in constant competition. Kelsey went out of his way to impress my boyfriend's mother. One year he bought a Waterford crystal vase for her for Christmas. She called every one's attention to the gift that her "son in law" brought. I'd bought gifts for both she and her husband and my boyfriend's two sisters year after year. I got a curt "thank you" and that was the end of it.

     A relationship is between two people. When additional people are added, disaster is bound to strike. My relationship with him ended because of other factors, but I don't think it would've been so tumultuous if his mother's nose wasn't constantly present in our affairs. It also would've helped if he wasn't telling his mother everything that happened in our relationship. If the parental presence is constantly a factor, your relationship is not going to go well. Most importantly if a potential significant other shows signs of being a mama's boy or a daddy's girl, I have one piece of advice: Run.



The ultimate mama's boy-Norman Bates


Go Away Party

     When someone leaves a job you usually miss their smile and their service. Sometimes a co worker can be so unpleasant that you actually look forward to them leaving. What do you do when they have a party celebrating their departure?

     When I first got the job that I have now, I had an assistant manager that was an absolute terror. I was fresh out of college and needed training. In my interview she smiled and promised that I'd be trained. Once I was in my position, she became short and snippy. It got to the point that I preferred to make a mistake that to ask her a question. I was almost written up twice because of her. She would stand behind my chair silently like some sort of office ninja. She was always lurking around corners in hopes of seeing me do something.

     As I got better at my job, she still didn't let up. Anytime I asked a question she was dismissive. Half the time she didn't know the answer to any questions I was asking. She would constantly refer me to our department manager. As karma would have it, her position was eliminated corporate wide. I don't wish unemployment on anyone in this economy. I just didn't want her working with me. Months later as her last day drew near, the information for her going away party circulated. I smirked to myself at this. There was no way I was going. She had made me miserable. Why would I pretend to like her? There is a difference between being civil and not being authentic. When my co-workers asked if I was attending the party, I told them I was going to my grandmother's 70th birthday party. (It was actually a few days later.) On her last day she tearfully hugged me. I resisted the urge to wince.

     Office morale can be tough to maneuver, especially if a co worker is unpleasant. Be civil and professional. After work is your time. If you don't want to go to a going away party, don't. If you do choose to go, put on a happy face and think happy thoughts.

Flirting with Authority

     It's nice to look at something pleasant once and a while. Sometimes that something is someone at the office. When it goes beyond that you are asking for trouble.


Mad Men's Roger Sterling

       My friend Liza's mother works at a small financial firm, whose inner workings sound like a throwback to the old corporate days. They routinely have drinks on their office lunches. At one such lunch, Lindsay, the only college age employee, who you may remember from a previous blog about office party etiquette, drank a little too much...again. While everyone else stuck to a drink or two, she had four. She and Liza's mother carpooled with their boss. Lindsay began shamelessly hitting on him. She began saying to him how she liked older men and how age on a man is attractive. She did everything but wear a neon sign. Liza's mother was silently appalled. How couldn't she be? Their boss tried to ignore her behavior and change the subject. Once back at the office it was business as usual until Lindsay asked Liza's mom if drinking on a company lunch was a bad idea.


Mad Men's Don Draper

     "One drink is usually adequate, but in your case, I'd say yes," Liza's mother replied.

     I won't pretend that I've never had an attractive boss. I've only had one. It was my first job out of college. He wore glasses, had a Manhattan accent, and dressed suavely. Not to mention that fact that he played golf and we had the same taste in books. It also didn't hurt that his hair was salt and peppered. (I confess. I like silver foxes.) I wouldn't imagine getting drunk during a work lunch, let alone hitting on my boss. That is unprofessional. I kept my slight admiration quiet and most importantly to myself.

President Fitzgerald Grant from Scandal

 

 

     It's nice to have good aesthetics, especially when passing a slow work day. The important thing is to appreciate them quietly and most importantly sober. Coupling this appreciation with alcohol can have potentially dire consequences. There is a lot to be said for silent admiration.

 

 

Married With Children

     This past Valentine's Day, a girlfriend and I got dressed up and had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants downtown. We are both single so we decided to hang out together. After dinner, my friend suggested we go to one of the bars further down the street from the restaurant. We went inside only to find that it was a little on the quiet side. Undeterred, we headed to another bar further downtown. This bar was livelier. There was a live band playing and all the women were handed roses once they took their seats. My friend and I laughed and joked. Even with us both being single, we had to admit that this was an amazing Valentine's Day.

     One of all the bartenders, who I will call Kurt, was especially chatty with us.

     "Where's your boyfriend at?" Kurt asked me.

     "Wherever I left him," I laughed

     Throughout the night he kept talking to me. He was attractive and pretty sharp. My friend was talking to another of the bar's regulars that she'd met before. Kurt and I talked about everything from handshake etiquette to weather. Two of my guy friends joined us at the bar and suggested we move to a table. My girlfriend opted to stay seated but I joined them at the table. Even as I moved through the crowded bar, Kurt's eyes followed me. My two friends and I decided to call it a night while my girlfriend stayed behind. We bid her farewell and headed out. About 10 minutes later. I received a text from my girlfriend saying that Kurt couldn't stop talking about me. Feeling daring, I told my girlfriend to give him my number. She did.

     That following Sunday we talked on the phone and made plans for the following weekend. Even through my excitement something still seemed amiss. Call it women's intuition, but something wasn't quite right. The next Wednesday, after not hearing from him, I texted him just to say hello. He told me he was in class and would call me when he got out. He did call... two hours later.

     When we talked on the phone I could feel a pit in my stomach form, but I didn't know why. As we confirmed plans, he kept sounding hesitant.

     "We can hang out on Saturday, but there's something I have to tell you," he said. And then in the same breath, "What kind of movies do you like?"

     "Anything, but horror." I said.
   
     "OK, but I have to tell you something before we hang out this weekend."

     All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.

     "You're married," I said suddenly infuriated.

     "Um, yeah."

     "Why did you take my number!? What is wrong with you!? Are you kidding me!?"

     After he recovered from my torrent of questions, he responded, "I don't know. I shouldn't have, but there was something about you."

     "There is something about me, but you'll never find out because you're married! I want no part of this. Unbelievable!"

     In case you wondered, I have no tolerance for married men who cheat.

     "I know it seems bad, but I have two children, so I stay."

     "Great! The plot thickens! You're married and you have children!"

     "They're not real young. If I divorce my wife, I'll only get to see them on the weekends. I'd rather go through hell with her than not see them. I know it sounds like a bunch of lines..."

     "Oh it is a bunch of lines. I'm not falling for them. Where's your wedding ring? You weren't wearing one."

     "I don't wear mine."

     "That's real nice. You don't wear your ring and take single women's numbers. Nice," I replied pointedly.

     "I've never done this before."

     "Yeah, right."

     "If you still want to hang out on Saturday, we can. At least, I told you I was married."

     That comment sent me through the roof. The unmitigated gall was too much for me. It's like he thought he was doing me a favor. Not so much.

     "You telling me the truth was for your benefit. If you didn't tell me and I found out, that would've been bad for you. You don't have any idea of the fury you would have brought on yourself."

     "Maybe, I can see you around the bar."

     "Whatever," I said hanging up.

     I take marriage seriously. If you marry someone you are theirs and vice versa. There shouldn't be any "side stepping". The fact that he had children made the situation more deplorable. It is one thing to notice an attractive person, but it is quite another to act on it. If you're going to take vows, you ought to honor them.

     Even though this situation happened, I refuse to let it bitter me. There are great guys out there. You can't assume every person that you encounter is waiting to take advantage of you or be dishonest. At the same token, if something doesn't feel right with a person you are trying to get to know, it probably isn't.

A House is Not a Home

     A person's words can tell a lot about them. They can tell you where they are from, what they think, and in essence, who they are. In my recent experiences, a person's words have also betrayed who they depicted themselves to be.

     There are certain words that when said tell on the speaker's background. In the book, Noblesse Oblige, edited by Nancy Mitford, words were broken down into "U words" and "Non U words", meaning upper class and non upper class words. While some of the words became extinct, some still apply. For example, house is considered upper class, while home is non upper class. I find that words do not tell only on the speaker's non u background so much as the actions coupled with the words. I was having lunch with an associate a few weeks before Christmas and I asked what her plans were. She informed me that she was going to a relative's "mansion" and having dinner. I almost stopped dead in my tracks. Who speaks that way? My first thought of her mentioning this "mansion" was that it was probably of the "Mc" variety not a real mansion with an established history. This type of language and behavior is all too common.

     As I stated before, times have changed and with it the concept of u words and non u words. It is much more upper class to say you have a driver instead of a chauffeur. When a colleague mentions their recent car trouble, it's fine to tell them your car recently had engine trouble. You don't need to tell them the Mercedes needed a new head gasket. When someone complements your new handbag, you don't need to tell them that Gucci made it. It's a blue car, not a Bentley. Unfortunately, because conspicuous consumption not only runs rampant but is almost acceptable, the concept of class and taste seem to be antiques. One of my favorite quotes is: "Taste is restraint." Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. There is no reason to use boisterous language to draw attention to yourself though you possessions. In essence, the u words are much more subtle and understated than their non u counterpoints. With the words come the behaviors.

     There is nothing wrong with having aspirations, but with them make sure you are authentic. Don't let your words and actions betray who you are.

In Their Cups

     I am a firm believer that if you can't control your alcohol, you shouldn't drink it. Everyone knows their tolerance, yet some people ignore it and party on. Your youth is the time to learn this. Some people never do no matter how old they are.

     When I was in college, my ex- boyfriend's parents had a party to celebrate his father's birthday. Tons of family and friends showed up. Every soiree that they threw had good food and drinks a plenty. A fun time was never in short supply. As the endless supply of wine, beer, and liquor were poured the laughter grew louder and old stories surfaced. In the midst of the good times my ex-boyfriend's aunt, Kate, a retired teacher, would always have a little too loud and a little too free. On this occasion, she interrupted her brother's birthday speech, to give him a speech of her own. My boyfriend's dad looked on letting it slide. Everyone acted graciously even though there were whispers among the guests. As she set her glass down it shattered along with her drink all over his dad's bar. Did I mention the glass she broke was from a brand new set that his father had gotten that night? She was apologetic, but very drunk.

 

     I can think of another time when I was at a favorite hangout spot downtown at a place that The Preppy Handbook would call a dive, but nonetheless fun. A couple in their late forties was knocking back the dirty martinis as though they were going to be outlawed. My friends and I continued as normal. In a blink of an eye this couple was all over each other like teenagers. It was going well until the gentlemen fell off his bar stool mid kiss. The lady helped him up and they left shortly thereafter.

 

 

     I won't pretend that I've never had too much to drink and given a show or two. That would be a lie. There is a difference though between merriment and being sloppy drunk. I have experienced both. The latter is never fun. It just goes to show that there isn't an age limit on not knowing your limits.