No Great Shakes

     A handshake can tell you a lot about a person. It can also be the prelude to a variety of relationships. Why has the importance of giving a proper handshake been forgotten?


     There are few things worse than a bad handshake. Whether it's bone crushing or limp wristed and loose, it's terrible either way. At the age of 4, my grandfather taught me to shake hands. A handshake was to be firm, straight forward, and you were to look the recipient in the eyes. That last part was important because it would illustrate that you were trustworthy. I have received many handshakes that do not live up to the standard that I was taught by.


    As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I have started my own side business. It is because of this that I find myself at many networking events where handshakes are as freely given as kisses to a long lost lover. These handshakes should be starting future business relationships. Instead, I am left puzzled by what I've just received in my extended hand. I used to think that men were the main givers of bad handshakes, but it is equal opportunity. I have received bone shattering grips from other women as well as handshakes so impotent I thought I was holding a dead fish.


     Handshakes should be a pleasure for both parties. If your handshake is lacking, it will cause others to wonder what else is. Extend your hand, firmly grip and shake with an authoritative fluidity. Last but not least, look them in the eye. You want them to be able to trust you, don't you?

Don't Stop! Get it! Get it!

     Mae West once said that too much of a good thing can be wonderful. How true is that statement? How often do we go overboard on things we enjoy?


     My time in college was filled with academia, friendships, and defining moments, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't drink or party with reckless abandon. Many nights were filled with drinking and dancing. Lord the dancing! From Cosmopolitans to G&Ts to Busch Light 30 packs, too much never seemed to be enough.


     Other areas of my life overflowed unnecessarily also. I hated being home when I was in college. I felt like I had to be at a party full of music constantly. I didn't like being able to hear inside my own head. No party was complete without a great outfit. I shopped like malls were going to be outlawed. By my sophomore year of college I had six credit cards. Sometimes I'd combine my two favorite vices. I'd get tipsy and shop. Very bad idea. I'd get my statements in the mail and not remember a thing until my brain bombarded me with splintered memories of Riesling and receipts.


     Each person has a vice that we overdo. Now at 30, I don't drink and I've put myself on a budget. I'm not perfect, but I realize that moderation is key. Anything in excess can be dangerous.


     Life is meant to be vivid and vibrant. This is not a license to be hedonistic constantly. There is a time and place for everything. An occasional indulgence is fine.

Standards Review

     Standards are put in place for a reason. In many cases, you shouldn't ever compromise. Why is it that we adhere to standards except the ones that we set for ourselves?


     The week before my 30th birthday, I was at one of my favorite downtown restaurants when I ran into a few people I'd met there before. The three of them are professors at the local community college. Rochelle is a psychology professor, Stuart is a Spanish professor, and Bob is a music professor. They had other friends that came and went as the evening progressed. Later into the evening it was just Stuart, myself and Bob. Somehow the conversation turned toward dating and relationships. I mentioned that I didn't date men in their 20's and 30's because of my multiple bad experiences.


    "You wouldn't date a guy who's in his 30's?" Stuart asked amused.


     "No, I have had a quite a few bad experiences. If I did I would have to do research on him first," I said standing firm.


      "Really? Bob's 37."


     Bob seemed charming, funny, and smart. He was okay looking, but I'd thought he was older.


     "You are?" I asked amazed.


     The second I said that, Stuart went into wingman mode by asking me about my interests and linking them to Bob's.


     "I see what you're doing," I quipped.


     Stuart went home leaving Bob and I to talk. As I said, I don't date guys so close to my age. (I turned 30 in June.) I prefer men 41-57 years old. We just seem to interact better. There are less games and we have better conversations. Bob seemed different and his full head of salt and pepper hair didn't hurt. What can I say? I'm a sucker for graying hair. We exchanged number and headed our respective ways. The next day, he invited me to a pool party that his friends were throwing at their home.


     The pool party went well and his friends seemed nice. However, his friend who was throwing the party after a few drinks told him "not to screw this up." That was the first red flag. In addition, he disclosed that he was in therapy and hadn't even told Stuart why. For the sake of his privacy, I will take the high road and not disclose the reason either. In spite of this,  Bob and I made a date for that next Friday, which was the day after my birthday. He and I were supposed to see each other the day before our date. I received a text that day from him saying he wouldn't be able to make it. The older I get, the more I trust my gut. My stomach churned in such a way that I knew something was amiss.


     Sure enough, at a few minutes before midnight and the beginning of my 30th birthday, he sent me a 4 page text message that said that though we'd "shared special moments" he'd met someone that he wanted to get to know. As a result we wouldn't be able to go on our date the next day.


     I wasn't hurt, just irritated. We'd only known each other a week, so there was no emotion stock in him. I have no patience for immaturity such as this. My text back to him was 3 sentences long. It read: I don't appreciate having plans made to have them broken. I also don't appreciate having my time wasted. Don't ever call me again..


    This incident taught me a lesson. Never lower my standards no matter how charming a man appears to be. He initially wasn't my type, it would've been best if I'd stuck to that. I should've ran for the hills when his friend warned him not to screw up and when he told me he was in therapy. Standards are set in place as a form of measurement. If a man doesn't measure up, there is no reason to move forward.

A Step Above

     Step parents can be amazing or fuel on the family fire. After time, they fill an important role in a person's life.


     When I was 24, my father married a woman named Georgette. The moment I met her we hit it off. She was strong, funny and driven. A woman after my own heart. She was always ready to listen and give advice, but she was far from a yes man. She told you the truth.


     Unfortunately, she and my father's marriage started to erode. I remained close to her. She tried to make it work with my father, but the marriage couldn't be saved. She had always been supportive of me. Though it was sad that they were no longer together, I saw no need to end the relationship we'd built.


     To this day, she and I are still close. She and her parents came to my graduation party, when I'd graduated from college. She is happily re-married and just as wonderful as before. I am truly fortunate to have met her.


     People leave and enter your life for many reasons. If you are fortunate to have a person who willingly steps into the parent role, get to know them. It can be amazing what they teach you.

Chased and Restrained

     When you have an attraction to someone, it is nice to have that person notice you back. You use subtlety to gain more attention, but how long is too long to wait for a final result? When is the "back and forth" too much?


    As you my remember, in February, I mentioned I had a crush. He and I saw each other few and far between. In June, we had the opportunity to get lunch and talk. We chatted about our respective lives, jobs and everything we could think of. He mentioned that he was free the following Saturday and asked how I spent my free Saturdays. I told him I tried to relax since I so rarely have them. He mentioned that he hadn't been to my town's newly renovated Farmer's Market. I hadn't either at the time, so I was excited at the prospect of where this was going. He said that we should meet up and he'd give me a call if he went down there. I was optimistic, but I didn't get my hopes up. I've crushed on this guy for 2 years without anything solid to speak of. No matter who I dated, he somehow snuck into my thoughts. Even with my feelings, I refused to be unrealistic. There was no way that he didn't know I was attracted to him. The ball was now in his court. It was up to him to act.


     When that next Saturday rolled around, I had to attend a wedding. It didn't matter because he never called me, so I was right not to build my expectations. At that moment, I had an epiphany. I had tried to get his attention. Where was his effort? He'd had a golden opportunity to get my undivided attention and he didn't use it. Before I'd have chalked it up to him being more introverted than me, but even a really shy guy will put forth more effort if they like you. I deduced that he must not feel as strongly about me as I thought. When a guy wants you, he lets you know.


     As you pursue someone, the question becomes: Is this person as interested as I am? If not, there is no need to continue further. I've spent long enough on this gentleman. While I didn't put my life on hold, I gave him too much mental space for too long. That ends now.

I'mma Let you Finish...

     There's nothing better than having a lively conversation with new acquaintances. Sharing ideas and forming new ones with others is exciting. It is frustrating however, when one person continues to cut off others who are speaking with no apology in sight.


     A couple of months ago, I went to a networking meeting at my city's Chamber of Commerce. After it ended, myself and three others who attended the meeting decided to grab dinner across the street at a restaurant. As the conversation went to local politics, the one member of our party refused to not be heard. He cut each of us off as we were in mid sentence and if we dared to disagree with him, he bludgeoned us with his views. At one point, he'd asked me a question. As I answered the question he interrupted me.


    "If you'd let me finish, I'll explain my point," I replied trying to remain calm.


     "Let the lady finish," said the other gentleman at the table.


     As I proceeded he sat in his seat agitated. He was just bursting at the seams to speak. His enthusiasm was admirable, be he interrupted countless times without being the least bit remorseful. In addition, most of his points were inaccurate. So much so, that myself and the other two people at the table tried desperately to suppress our smirks.


     When the other lady began to speak, he interrupted her also.


     "No, you've got that wrong!" he scolded.


     "Could you let me finish?" the lady asked pointedly.


     "You aren't the only one with a thought in your head," the other gentleman admonished.


     By the time it was time to leave, the three of us were mentally drained. The other lady and gentleman got ready to leave and I said my goodbyes as I headed to the restroom. When I came out, the abrasive fellow was still at the table.


     "See you later," I said walking past the table and heading for the door.


     "Are you on Linked In?" he asked.


     "Yes," I said hesitantly.


     Did I really want to be "linked" to someone so obnoxious? Not so much. It was bad enough that I would see him at the next meeting.


     "Okay. I have your card. I'll look you up," he said with a glimmer of hope.


     "Right then. Goodnight," I said over my shoulder and headed out.


     There's nothing wrong with having your voice heard. Your voice is part of you. You don't have to be overbearing with you view point. When you are tempted to replicate this kind of behavior just remember: Copernicus called and you aren't the center of the universe.

Textually Active

     Everyone texts. It is an unavoidable form of communication. Why is it that people don't use manners when using it?


     One thing that everyone loves about texting is how fast and simple it is. Sometimes this is also its problem. I remember when I was working in retail during inventory, a coworker was broken up with by text message. How rude and cowardly, I remember thinking. You didn't text to start the relationship, so why text to end it? Texting has become a force field for people not brave enough to say bold statements to your face. There are no vocal inflections or facial expressions unless emoticons count. This makes misunderstandings all too common over text.


     Another problem with texting, is that people abandon common sense and social graces. My friend, Liza told me she was at a wake recently and saw someone texting. Really? How disrespectful to someone's memory can you be? If there was a time to take the night off from texting, that would be it. In addition, how many people have caused accidents or killed people by texting and driving? Don't misunderstand me, I text, but I still prefer human interaction.


     Texting isn't wrong, but how you use it can be. Some things are better face to face. Don't hide behind your words. Stand behind them instead.

Papa (Is) a Rolling Stone

       Father-daughter relationships are special. Your father is supposed to give you insight into male behavior and shield you from harm. In modern society, this doesn't happen regularly. What has happened to fathers?



       My father was 21 when I was born and in the Army. He expected that he and my mother would get married. My mother declined, which was best since they are so ill suited for each other. I met him when I was 5 years old. Even upon meeting him, he spoke mostly about me changing my last name. I told him no. I saw him sparsely throughout the following years. He'd even told people I wasn't his child. This lie caught up with him when he was working with a friend of my mother's and didn't know it. My mother wasn't amused. He ping ponged in and out of my life when he wanted to impress a current girlfriend. He also would favor their children over me. At 12, I decided to stop seeing him after he put me in a car and yelled at me until I cried. He reached out again when I was 15. He immediately began talking about my newborn brother instead of trying to repair our relationship. I was done, or so I thought.



       About a month after my high school graduation, my father popped up over my house. My reaction to him was cold. He and I went to his father's grave. He told me he wanted to establish a relationship. I told him bluntly that if he disrespected me or mistreated me, I wanted him to lose my phone number. He agreed.


 
      From ages 18-24, we were on decent terms, but we frequently had disagreements because my father doesn't like to be held accountable or to deal with people who don't share his opinions. He won't agree to disagree. When he and my stepmom split, he was angry that I wouldn't stop communicating with her. He even accused me of telling people that  they were divorcing. I hadn't. He began leaving rude voicemail messages, which I ignored.


 
      The week of my 25th birthday, he called me at my job and screamed at me over the work phone and hung up in my face. He wanted to know why I hadn't called him. I was seething. I promised to call when I was out at work. Boy, did I. I shredded him. I told him how disrespectful he'd been to me my entire life and how disrespectfully he'd treated my siblings. I told him that I was done with his childishness. I let him have it when he tried to interrupt me. He'd interrupted my life enough. I told him never to call me again. This time, I hung up.


     I occasionally saw him at church. It bothered me how he pretended to be a decent person and falsely represented himself to the others that attend our church. They don't know that he's been married 5 times, that he barely supports my 4 other siblings, and that he is frequently unfaithful in relationships. He now resides in Hawaii, lying and impregnating other women, I'm sure. His service to this great nation is the only place that he hasn't failed as a man.


     This story has a  happy beginning and ending. I was raised by my maternal grandfather, who taught me what a father should be. When I had chicken pox, he went to my school and picked up my work to keep me from being behind. He comforted me and let my tears soak his shoulder after my first heartbreak. My actual father saw an ex that I'd almost gotten engaged to and told him he accepted his new life. My grandfather, taught me things, like the importance of self worth and independence. He never let me slide with subpar grades. I owe my work ethic, inner strength, and faith in God to him.


    Though my actual father failed me, I have a good example of what a father is. My grandfather was the first to hold me when I was born and that's when our bond started. Sometimes the relationships you need and hold dear don't come in the form you thought they would, but that doesn't make them any less valuable.

Hell in High Heels

     No matter how nice you are, there is always a button that can be pushed. I'm no different. The question is: What does it take?


     I don't consider myself a confrontational person, but if trouble comes my way, I deal with it. One night last December, Liza and I decided to have a much needed girl's night out. The bar that we went to was one that neither of us had ever been to before. I thought one of my favorite local d.j.s was spinning. The problem was he spins on Saturday and we were there on a Friday. Liza and I made the best of it. The music was good and the wait staff was awesome. Our seating was not so great. We were sitting against the wall behind a round table of about 13 guys and 2 ladies. In spite of our awkward placement, we were still having fun.


     As the night progressed, one of the guys at the table that we were sitting behind had a little too much to drink. He thought it would be funny to knock over the Club Keno slips that were on his table. The waitress picked them up and tried to laugh off his bad behavior. Next, he knocked a pitcher of ice water on three women sitting by the door. The woman who got splashed the worst was wearing a short skirt. Keep in mind this was in mid-December. Noticing his behavior, Liza moved the bowl of salsa that we'd had for our chips towards her and asked if I wanted to move. I told her that he should move because he was the one causing trouble.


     As Liza and I chatted, I felt a slight touch on my arm. I looked over to see "the jerk" touching me.


     "What are you doing?" I asked pointedly.


     "I can't touch you?" he asked.


     "No. I don't like some men  I know touching me, so I really don't like men I don't know touching me," I replied.


     He stopped for a couple of seconds and began doing it again.


     "Stop it," I said turning toward him.


     Finally, he stopped touching me. He then decided to interrupt Liza and I as we were talking.


     "Are you going to keep doing that?" I asked.


     "Yes." he sneered.


     " Stop it. You're pissing me off," I warned.


     Finally, he went too far. A few seconds later, he stretched out his arm to our table and tried to flip over our bowl of salsa on us. Luckily, Liza caught it in time. All I could envision was this red salsa on Liza's nice semi-new light pink sweater and I lost it.


     I'm not afraid to tell you I used some "unorthodox" language. I was so mad that I don't even remember everything I said. I apparently startled his friends, who moments ago had laughed at his antics. They rushed over to me, imploring me to calm down and even offering to pay my bill. This only made me more angry. When a woman's angry, telling her to calm down is a bad idea.


     "I am calm! Your friend is still sitting upright, so I am calm!"


     Long story short, he was asked to leave and his friends got him out. As with anything, it's the principle that matters. I shouldn't have had to go temporarily insane for his friends to check his behavior.


     We all have things that will pull us out of character. Before losing your cool, you have to ask if it's worth it. Standing up for my friend and I was worth it to me. If you want to see my temper, keep bothering me or those I care about.

Butter Fingers

     Life is all about building relationships. Even in business, networking is paramount. What happens when the same person endlessly drops names?


     As I've mentioned in previous posts, I am starting my own business. In the process, I've made many acquaintances who are not only great connections, but genuinely nice people. I find it bothersome when people continuously drop names in an attempt to bolster their own importance. Jocelyn (you may remember her from previous posts), constantly does this in regular conversations. She can often be found mentioning "important" people as though they are old friends. Once, I overheard her tell an old co-worker that she knew a prominent car dealers family because her sister babysat for their kids. She also told a different co-worker who was getting a new car, that if she was having trouble with the dealership she could help her. Why? Simple. She "knows a guy" at said prominent car dealer's dealership. Pardon my cynicism, but I don't think she holds that kind of clout.


     Jocelyn also likes to wax poetic about how her friends have "important" jobs because they're all doctors and lawyers. My question is: If they are you're friends, why can't they help you get a better job?


    At the end of the day, people are people regardless of their title or prestige. If you know someone, you know them. Pretending that you share a closeness that is non existent makes you appear fraudulent and pretentious. It's usually better to hold on to a name than drop it.

Talk That Talk

     Communication is one of the keys to being alive. That being said, doesn't it make sense to speak to the best of your ability? Why is it that people refuse to watch how they speak?


     For as long as I can remember, people have criticized the way I speak. When I was five, I was asked by a classmate why I "talked like a White person." I didn't know how to respond. I spoke properly because that was how my grandparents raised me to speak. My grandmother detests when people speak "like they have shoes in their mouth."  In school, I was told I sounded like a "valley girl". I had no idea who that was or what she would sound like. I confess, I own the movie as an adult and I like it, but we don't speak alike.


     People judge you on how you speak. You don't have to speak the Queen's English, but you can at least attempt to have a decent command of the language. I won't lie, I can only take bad grammar for so long. I hate when a guy is attempting to hit on me and wants to "ax" me a question. Are you a lumberjack? You may "ask" me a question. I've often been asked where I'm from. When I respond, I'm told I don't sound like it. Also, being told I'm well spoken is insulting. I graduated college, how am I supposed to sound? Most importantly, when was my speech impeded by a stroke? I abhor that in this day and age people have made assumptions on what I am going to sound like before I open my mouth. My grandfather was from the South and my grandmother is of Bahamian decent. Education and proper speech were very important to them, so I've always been mindful of that.


     As an adult, I haven't encountered much criticism on the way that I speak, but occasionally someone will say something. Once when a guy commented on it, I asked him, "Would you prefer your lawyer to sound like you or me?"


     "I guess you," he said after thinking about it a few seconds.


     "Exactly," I said before going back to what I was doing.


     We all speak in some form. Though slang and jargon makes its way into our speech, it is up to you to gauge when it is appropriate. To speak poorly on purpose is unacceptable. It will limit you. Bad grammar is simply something, "ain't nobody got time for".

I Hate These Blurred Lines

     Friendships are a wonderful thing. Friends are the people that you share your best and worst times with. It's only natural that sometimes an attraction develops between one or both parties. The question is, is this ever a good idea?


     I often hear couples say that they married their best friend or that they were friends before they entered a romantic relationship. Reality forces me to take of my rose colored shades and wonder if this is a good idea. I've seen many a bad ending to a relationship between friends. They can't be near each other, every social gathering is made awkward by them, and their mutual friends try desperately not to take sides.


     The next thing to consider is the friendship itself. When it's over, can you go back to being friends? I was recently asked if I could ever be friends with an ex, in particular, an ex that was once one of my best friends. I answered him honestly.


     "No. My relationships don't allow for that," I replied.


     As my mind drifted back, I remembered trying to be his friend after taking a week or so to clear my head. The way I viewed it was that he was my best friend before he was my boyfriend. It would be unfair to leave him in the deep end with no life jacket. However, he made this impossible. Almost every time I saw him he was disrespectful. We even got into a screaming match once. Thankfully, we are civil to each other now. We have many of the same friends. I can be in a room with him, but I'm not bothered with him. He simply isn't in my universe. We aren't friends and we never will be. At least, not on my end. I have a better chance of winning a gold medal in men's gymnastics than trying to strike up a friendship with him again. I am not afraid to say that our breakup was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. That being said, I don't regret it. His weakness made me stronger.


     A romantic relationship with a friend can be wonderful. It can be the best of both worlds. However, going into it, you need to be realistic in acknowledging the benefits and disadvantages of this kind of relationship. I won't say I'd never date a friend, but given my previous experience, I'm gun shy. A friendship isn't worth ruining because of an impulse.

Roll Up the Partition, Please!

     Everyone needs privacy. There are elements to each of our lives that are only for us and a select few. Why is it the harder you try to keep your life private, others try to make it public?


     As I have mentioned before, I like my privacy. At work, I talk about my personal life with very few people. My office is a hub for gossip. I remember once, my then boyfriend picked me up from work some of the office busybodies wondered who he was.


    "Who was that guy who picked you up yesterday? asked one.


    I felt like a slide under a microscope. When will people learn that there are certain things they shouldn't ask? Our relationship was still in the early stages and I didn't care to divulge too much.


    "Someone that I know," I replied vaguely.


    My opinion has always been that people can assume what ever they want. They're going to anyway. Most importantly, you don't have to give them the confession. Luckily, my co-worker went back to her desk and left me to myself. I confess, nosey people drive me crazy.


     I can think of another time when Liza donated money to her sorority anonymously. The chapter advisor at the time decided to put the amount that Liza donated in the chapter's newsletter. Liza was absolutely seething. She believes, as I do, that the best contributions are quiet, not advertised. She was put off by the advisor's gauche behavior.


    Privacy is something that everyone needs. Everyone has a public life, but they should also have a private life. In this age of social media and over sharing, privacy is becoming a thing of the past. The best way to deal with it is to etch out privacy whenever you can . You deserve that.

I Won't Tell

      Secrets are something that everyone has. Sometimes they are small, while other times they define us. Most importantly, secrets are meant to be kept. What happens when they aren't?


     I am a very private person. I'm an extrovert, but I keep many things to myself. If I am close to someone, I disclose more. Over the years, I have had various friendships. Some have lasted. Some have not. One thing that has stood the test of time, is my feeling on secrets. Even when friendships have ended, I've never told the secrets I kept for that person. It would be a violation of the friendship we once had.


     Sometimes secrets don't have to be shared. Sometimes they are things that are noticed or observed. The person in question thinks that they are keeping something from you, when the truth is they couldn't be more obvious. I have observed two people who clearly are acting on an attraction, float around our social circle pretending to be only platonic. Oh please. I didn't say anything. It wasn't my business to tell. Others knew also. It was one of the worst kept secrets in the Northern Hemisphere.


     As I said, I am no stranger to having secrets. I have enough to fill a luggage trunk. Our secrets make us human. Would our friends continue to be our friends if they knew everything? I've had my secrets told on a few occasions. They were secrets that I could bounce back from. However, the experience taught me to be more careful. Most importantly, I've learned to get information on the person that I am disclosing to. You have to protect yourself.


     Secrets are tricky things. Some are time released and others should be kept until you are on your deathbed. How you deal with them are up to you. What secrets am I hiding? A magician never tells.

In God We Trust?

     No matter what spiritual belief you hold, it should be something that is sacred. There is nothing worse than falsely believing something that guides you and your life. How terrible is it then, when someone uses faith for financial gain?


     My friend, Liza's stepmother, has a brother that converted to Judaism along with his family because most of his clients are Jewish. He felt that it would be more lucrative and give him a competitive edge. Huh? Most importantly, how despicable is that? When Liza told me this I was offended on a few fronts. I was also disturbed about his matter of fact approach, as though this wasn't immoral. I'm all for capitalism, but this is too far.


     As I've mentioned, I converted to Orthodox Christianity almost three years ago. I did it because it was where I felt closest to God. I didn't do it in hopes of financial or social gain. To be honest, the thought wouldn't have occurred to me. If he converted because he felt that this was his best move spiritually (i.e. Sammy Davis, Jr.). I would understand. This sadly wasn't his motive.


     Faith and spirituality are part of the human experience. The motive behind your faith if you choose to have a sense of it, should be pure. After all, in affairs of the soul, isn't that the point?

Pass That Dutch

     The dating rituals have changed from what they were. One continuous topic for debate is who is supposed to pay. Who pays on a date?


     I am very modern, but my core still holds old fashioned principles. On a date, I believe a man should pay. I can take myself out. I refuse to believe I'm not worth a movie ticket or a plate of food. Also, what if his company is terrible and I've paid my own way? I've paid for a bad time. No thanks. I remember, I was on a date once and a guy waited until the bill came to say something about splitting it. He said nothing about it before hand.


    "Do you want to go Dutch," he said looking at the bill.


    "No, thanks. I'm American," I quipped.


     "I mean, splitting the bill," he said looking up.


     "I know. Still no."


     "Oh," he replied.


     I think it goes without saying, I never talked to him again. Good riddance to bad garbage. He asked me out. What kind of gentleman does that?


     My freshman year of college, I was at a restaurant with a date on Valentine's Day when this topic arose in a most unsavory way. After the bill was paid, my date asked what I was doing after dinner. I told him I could hang out a little longer but I had an early class. When I asked why he asked, his response floored me.


     "Well, I just paid for all this food. So you know..."


    "Excuse me? !"


     "I'm just saying. This restaurant isn't cheap."


     I confess, he wore my cosmopolitan home on his nice light blue shirt. I didn't typically throw drinks, but he deserved it. He was not being a gentleman.


     Though dating protocol changes as the wind blows, it all depends on what you're comfortable with. Even in nature, most male animals of various species can't mate unless they provide shelter and food for the female and her future offspring. Aren't I superior to an animal?

Idle Chatter

     Small talk is unavoidable. Usually people deal with it to be polite. How do you deal with being bored to tears by a conversation?


     I am extrovert, so I love talking. However, inane banter chafes me. Especially, when someone deems it necessary to talk to me about absolutely nothing. As I have said before, I watch my weight and try live a healthy life. I don't obsess about it. That being said, when someone scrutinizes food and tries to put me in the conversation, it is beyond irritating. I once was in a conversation about mall walking for 5 minutes. Can you say Zsa Zsa Gaboring?


     I like children, though I don't want any. That being said, I don't want to spend 15 minutes discussing new developments of your toddler. I am 29 and single, there are better things I could be talking about.


     As the song goes, everybody talks. If your words don't amount to anything, it's just hot air. If you have the urge to make meaningless small talk with someone, do both of you a favor: don't.

More Cheese with Your Whine?

     We all complain. Venting is a natural human reaction to an unpleasant occurrence. At some point it goes from healthy to just plain irritating. When does venting become whining?


    
When I was little, I wasn't allowed whine. My grandfather, who was a reasonable person, had no patience for endless complaining. In his mind, after you get out your initial complaint, you ought to be looking for a solution. As an adult, I'm grateful for this because when I am faced with a problem, my first thought is on how to fix it. This is not standard behavior. Unfortunately, we live in an age where people would rather complain than remedy a problem.


  
  When I was in college, whining was all too common. Some of my associates would complain about anything. From class to their boyfriend, nothing was off limits. It was annoying. Don't think that ladies are the only guilty party. In this day and age whining  is for the boys too. I have had a few boyfriends who crabbed endlessly about things they had no intention on fixing. At least with colleagues your can avoid this, but when it's your significant other, it is constant.


    
     My grandfather used to put an end to my whining by saying, "Don't invite me to your pity party!" That being said, just because your invited to a pity party, doesn't mean you have to attend.

30 Shades of Hooray!

     They say that 30 is the new 20, but is it? Most importantly, would you really want to be 20 again? Why is turning 30 such a dreaded experience?



       In June, I turn 30. Oddly enough, I'm excited. Your 20's are fun, but they are also scary. You not only think you're invincible, but you have no prior experience to prove otherwise. You make countless mistakes. I know I have.


    
     Currently, at 29, I feel happy. I have taken some knocks and have been made stronger because of it. I have begun improving myself both physically and mentally. I know what I have to put up with and what I don't. To be frank, I think I'm a lot more attractive now than five years ago. I've lost weight and cleared out useless clutter both mentally and externally. I believe that my 30th year will continue to bring insight and confidence. I like what's in the mirror.



      In the past year I've heard, "You don't look your age," many times. Turning 30 is not a death sentence. There are so many breakthroughs in science, diet and exercise that there is no reason to age poorly.


 
      I fully intend to improve my mind, body and spirit. I'm not worried about staying youthful. My parents have good genes, so that takes a load off of my mind. Thirty is a great number. I welcome this new phase in my life. Come what may, I'm ready. Bring on the big three-oh!

Can't Touch This

     In social settings (i.e. cramped clubs & bars), you are bound to touch other people. It is when this touching is deliberate and disrespectful that a problem arises. As chivalry and social graces take a back seat, both men and women have become more tactile than necessary.

     Last November, Liza and I decided to have a much needed girl's night out. All was well until I was walking off the dance floor and a guy put his finger in the belt loop of my jeans and attempted to pull me closer. I was beyond livid.

    "Get your hands off of me! What's wrong with you?!" I yelled as I smacked his hand away.

     "Sorry," he said turning scarlet.
  
     "You should be!"

     As the night progressed, another guy thought he should talk into my shirt. He literally spoke into my top as though there were a row of microphones for a press conference in it.

     "How are you doing?" he asked into my shirt.

    "Get the hell out my damn face," I replied calmly.

     Although the rest of the night went well, I was still appalled that this behavior occurred. The sad thing is the behavior is equal opportunity. My friend, Cameron, was a bar that he normally doesn't go to playing pool with friends. He said that as he bent over the table, a woman walking past grabbed a hunk of his backside. He was shocked. When he stood up instantly, she glanced at him with a grin and was completely unashamed. Seriously?

     Touch is one of the five senses. As with any other natural ability, it must be used appropriately. Being admired is flattering as long as it's respectful. Feel free to look, but don't touch the merchandise.

What Are You Waiting For?

     I try to stay on task. Sometimes it's hard to not put off what has to be done to do nothing. If procrastination holds us back, why do we do it?

     "I really need to get this paper done."

     That was a phrase that both myself and my friends said at some point during our college career. We either put off our paper to go on Facebook, to hang out with our friends or to take a nap. At the end of the day, it still had to get done. I have a few friends that use the excuse of working better under pressure. The truth is, they've waited so late they have no choice but to work under pressure.

     Up until college, I didn't really procrastinate. In fact, I used to turn my assignments in days early. I didn't want to have the assignment looming over me. When college came, presenting new temptations, I threw some good habits away. Often times, I would find myself hanging out with friends instead of studying. I would give myself an extra day so that my assignment wasn't done at the 11th hour. Although, looking back it was still pretty last minute.

     Part of being an adult is doing things that you don't want to do. No matter how long you put off a task, it will still be there staring back at you. The best thing to do is power through it and move forward. Plus, the faster you finish your work, the faster you can do what you want.

I've Got Next

     Many close friends share things with each other. Clothes, secrets, and many other things are often swapped. However, exes are usually off limits. What happens when this golden rule is ignored?

     You see it everywhere, from Hollywood to your social group. Friends dating and hooking up with their friends' exes is nothing new. I've been seeing it since high school. The minute one friend dumped their significant other, another friend swooped in to nurse their wounds. Sometimes this occurred without any awkwardness and other times it was social suicide. This never made sense to me. I couldn't imagine being linked to a friend's ex. It seems disloyal and vindictive in many ways. I wonder how many times these arrangements occur because of true love. If I had to venture a guess, I would say slim to none.

     In college, this trend was all too common. It happened more openly with the guys. It was frowned upon, but it seemed to be recovered from easily. With young women it was not such an easy thing to get over. Friendships were broken and invitation lists had to be reworked. Every woman knows that dating her friend's ex is a big no-no. It's against girl code. A woman dating her friend's ex would be branded with a scarlet "A" so fast her coffee would still be hot.

     My friends mean the world to me. Dating or hooking up with a friend's ex is a violation. It is an invisible mark against you. To paraphrase Jay Z, being my friend is like a secret society. All I ask for is trust.

Let's Hear It for the Boys

     Every girl needs a guy friend to bounce ideas off of and gain insight about life and the opposite sex. I am very lucky to say that I have several male friends that I go to for counsel and for friendship. For this entry, I would like to take a break from social graces and thank these gentlemen.

    Parker has been my friend for almost 9 years. We met when he moved from New Orleans to Michigan because of Katrina. We've both dealt with bad break ups and undergrad dilemmas. Out of our group of friends, he and I are the oldest. We've weathered life's storms and come out better because of it.

Parker and I. Great minds dress alike

     Adair and I met when he was a freshman in college. He has knack for introducing me to songs that end up stuck in my head. He is also the best wedding date a girl can have. Also, I never had more fun smoking hookah or on a boat on a 100 degree day with anyone else.


Adair and I at my sorority sister's wedding

     A few years after I met Parker, I met my friend, Kiernan. Who is also called Big Red due to his red hair. He's funny, sensitive, and draws a heck of a comic. He's come to all my birthday celebrations since I started having them at 22.

Adair, Kiernan and I on Valentine's Day 2014

 

     Miguel is not only my friend but a brother. His family and I are close; in fact his older sister is my little sister in my sorority. We argue like siblings, but when bad times hit we've got each other. Despite a 5 year age difference we have many of the same things in common.

     From the time I met Anderson two things were obvious, he was hilarious and had a penchant for mischief. He and I are both trouble makers and have decided we shouldn't sit next to each other at social events. He is newly engaged and will be moving down south for a job this summer. Congrats again, Anderson.

     Aziz and I met at a random get together about two years ago. I was being my usual self and ended up drawing laughs. Like many people in our social circle he's heard stories about me, but hadn't met me yet. He is at once hilarious and logical. Two things that are hard to do simultaneously. His hash tags are legendary.

     Tucker is married and a proud father of a son. When we were in college he also was known to plan an amazing party and co-create card games. I know few people who can make seersucker at a mixer look as cool as him.

     I don't remember how I met my friend Amin, but I'm glad I did. If Clark Kent were into computer systems instead of being a superhero, he'd be it. All of my friends have a great sense of humor and Amin is no exception. His quips are subtle but always funny.

     Last but certainly not least, is my friend, Cameron. He's always good for discussion over coffee at diners and much needed doses of sarcasm. He's also always up for a sporadic get together with friends. One summer afternoon, myself, Adair, and one of the other friends hung out in his front yard. It was just us, a few drinks, and a computer with an amazing iTunes playlist.

     To my guy friends I missed, please accept my apology. This post would be unbearable to readers if it were any longer. Gentlemen, thanks for the laughs, long talks, impromptu parties, wisecracks, bad influences, and the privilege of calling you my friend. Who needs a boyfriend when you have so many boy friends?

Unfashionably Late

     Who doesn't love to make an entrance? I know I do. Some people go too far trying to be fashionably late. When does a late arrival go from cool to rude?

     We all have that friend that is never on time. Their arrival at a party is always 45 minutes later than they say. You roll your eyes and deal with it. I, personally, get annoyed. How are you supposed to get a head count? If you say you are arriving at a certain time, show up at that time.


Don't be too tardy to the party.

     Another thing that bothers me is when expected guests are so late, you begin sending multiple texts and calls only to be ignored. Of course, there is always that one friend that can get them on the phone when the rest of you can't. Thus, irritating the waiting friends further. Why didn't they answer my call or text?

      Tardiness is acceptable socially, but only to a point. When it exceeds an hour, it becomes rude. If you make people wait unnecessarily, you will find yourself invited less and less.

 

 

Well Dressed and Overlooked

     Change is inevitable. There's no escaping it. What happens when a change in company climate causes both your accomplishments and seniority to be put on the back burner?

     My friend, Liza's husband, Declan, was up for an interview. He was nervous, but because of his leadership positions in the past and experience he figured he had a good chance of landing the position. He previously had interviewed for 2 or 3 other positions and wasn't promoted, so he figured he would be more likely to be in the running for this one.

     Once again, Declan was proven wrong. He was completely mystified as to why this had happened again. In the past he'd been promoted several times and aced every quarterly review. It isn't like he works for some mediocre company. He works for a well known corporation in its customer care division. When he went to his manager to ask for feedback, he was told that his interview was good. The reason that he wasn't hired for that position and for the others was that he was too well dressed. Declan wears slacks, a tie, and an oxford shirt to work. The upper level managers dress down considerably and felt that Declan was out dressing them. As you might imagine, he was stunned. Declan, like most people, had always been told to dress for the job he wanted. Apparently, to do this he would need to wear jeans and a t-shirt with a small stain. His workplace has become a "workplace of choice". What this means is the workplace tries to suit the wants of the employee and does away with a more traditional business culture. In theory, this sounds good, but it isn't. This workplace of choice model may work for Facebook or Google, but it isn't conducive for other companies. It causes workers to be overlooked. I've said it once and I'll say it again: Dress codes are necessary.

    The way a person dresses sends a message. Your standards and dress codes should never lower to meet someone else's. Your dress and appearance are a source of personal pride. Give yourself a reason to be proud.

Don't Wait Up!

     There are few things more rude than someone standing up another person. It is a waste of your time and completely thoughtless. That being said, you don't have to take that person's behavior lying down.

    A few weeks ago, I was eating dinner at the bar of one my favorite downtown haunts, when an attractive older gentlemen started chatting me up. He gave me his card and encouraged me to call him. About two weeks later I decided to do just that. We set up a date for that coming Friday. We agreed that either one of us would call to confirm with the other.

    On Thursday, the day before our date, I called to confirm. I left a message. When I didn't hear back that night I decided we didn't have a date. On Friday, I took myself out to dinner after work and chatted with friends who were at the same restaurant. I went home and didn't think on it. Besides, I had a date the next day. In my opinion, someone who is that rude doesn't deserve my time.


Alexander Graham Bell invented it for a reason. Use it.

     The next day as I was getting ready for my date, my line beeped. It was him. I was on the phone with my aunt, so I ignored him. When the line beeped again I decided to click over and let him have it.

     "Hello," I said not masking the irritation in my voice.

     "Hey, it's Rich."

     "Uh-huh."

     "What are you doing today?" he asked.

     "I have plans. Our date was yesterday." I exploded.

     "Yeah. I know. I'm at Blackstone's. Come down," Rich said confidently.

     "I have plans. Our date was yesterday." I exploded.

     "Yeah. I know. Come down."

     Now I was really angry.

     "No. I have plans and I don't take kindly to being stood up. If you couldn't have made it on Friday, you should have called or texted. You should have called me back on Thursday," I fumed.

     "Yeah, I know I am an asshole with my phone."

     "To say the least," I countered.

     "I'm trying to make it up to you," he said sounding indignant.

     I wasn't having it.

     "No. I. Am. Busy."

     "I thought we'd have a late lunch."

     "No. Our date was yesterday at Da'Edoardo's and today my day is spoken for."

     "If you want to come down here and punch me in the face, I understand."

     What a pompous jerk!

     "I don't assault people. I have things to do."

    He was in mid sentence when I'd heard enough. I hung up on him. Normally, I don't do that to people, but my buffoonery quota was met for the day.

     As I headed to my date, he called again. I didn't pick up. I'm certain the call was the result of liquid courage brought on by a few shots of Glenfiddich.

     Bad behavior persists because good people tolerate it. I will not put up with disrespect or having my time wasted because of a another person's lack of regard. No one should accept this as appropriate. No one stands me up. Time waits for no man and neither does Crystal S. Demps.

Call Me, Maybe?

     As a single girl, the exchange of a phone number can be the beginning of infinite possibilities. It can also be frustrating when a guy takes your number, chats you up, and never calls ( i.e. wastes your time), or worse, calls like their going to outlaw phones in a week. Why is the telephone so troubling?

     Last December, I gave my number to a guy who I'd met and seemed interesting. He promised to call and he did. Endlessly. He called when I was at work, when I was in the shower, when I was getting ready for bed, and when I was just breathing. Don't misunderstand me, I like when a guy calls, but blowing up my phone is not only irritating, it's desperate. When a person gives you their number, by all means use it. There is no need to bombard the person with calls.

    On the flipside, a guy taking my number and never calling is beyond infuriating. I hate to have my time wasted. If you have no intention of calling, don't bother me. A couple of weeks ago, I ran into a guy who'd taken my number months ago. He came over and spoke to me. I was civil but nothing more. I could tell he hoped I might ask why he hadn't called and possibly offer my number again. No such luck. I refuse to keep doling out my number when you'd made no attempt to use it in a timely fashion the first time.

Communication is the key to life. When there is a lack or over abundance of it, there is bound to be problems. As with most things there needs to be a balance. If you are interested in a person, take their number and communicate. Just don't overdo it. If you aren't interested, don't take the number at all. Either way, it's a phone; Not a grenade missing its pin. Relax.

Scoundrels at the Symphony

     Classical music is one of the best forms of music on the planet. Often the composers are just as complex as their pieces. Watching a symphony can be a great experience, unless it is tarnished by those around you.

     Last November, my friend, Liza and her husband, Declan, joined friends to see Brahms pieces performed by the local symphony orchestra. They had amazing seats and were ready to take in a night of culture. Too bad the others weren't. Seated to Liza's left were another married couple.

    "Do you know a lot about classical music?" the wife asked Liza.

     "I know a little bit."

     "Do you know if Brahms' wife had an affair with another composer? I'd heard that and I wasn't sure."

     Liza was dumbfounded. Who asks that? Most importantly, who cares? Liza politely told her she didn't know anything about it. This lady was only getting started. During the performance, she asked her husband for a pen. Liza, being the optimist that she is, thought she was taking notes. Instead, the wife took out a Sudoku puzzle book and started straight away at one of the puzzles.

     By the time intermission started, Liza was ready for a break. When she headed downstairs to grab quick refreshments, she was startled. Most of the people were dressed completely inappropriately. By this, I mean flannel shirts

 and jeans. Keep in mind that this was at the symphony not a Nirvana tribute concert. Those not wearing jeans only had on khakis in their place.

When the intermission was over, Liza decided to block out the nonsense around her and focus on the music. She let the music paint lush landscapes in her mind and ended up having a wonderful evening.

Whether you're at the symphony or on your porch, the behavior of others can be jarring. The best thing to do is keep moving forward and enjoy the world around you.

Crushed

     At some point in every one's life, you experience having a crush. That stomach flip whenever they speak to you or walk by is sometimes all you need to make your day better. Crushes are fine, but are you ever too old for them? Do crushes have age limits?

     I am coming clean. I have a crush... at 29 years old. This crush isn't like any I've ever experienced. I can't shake this one. Usually, a crush only lasts about a month for me. This one has lasted about a year and a half. We are definitely opposite. He's a lot more reserved than me. Then again, who isn't? If you look up extrovert in the dictionary, my picture is by it. I know he's attracted to me, but I can't help but wonder what he's waiting for. Don't misunderstand me, my life isn't on pause. I meet people and I go out on dates. I've even had boyfriends, but it's something about him that I can't give up on.

This is how I am trying to avoid feeling.

     When I like a guy or see one taking too long to approach me, I approach them. Fortune favors the bold and shyness doesn't become me. This guy is different. He brings out my shyness. We have conversations every time we see each other. I appear normal on the surface, but internally I am volcanic. Scientists say that when a person sees another person that they like, their pupils enlarge. If this is true, my pupils must become the size of saucers. I strongly wonder if I am too old to feel like this. I'm not a teenager anymore. At some point I will have to either abandon this feeling or confront it head on.

     Crushes are fun, exciting and sometimes frustrating. It's a new year and I refuse to over think this. Who knows? I may actually tell him. You can't have a batting average without first stepping up to the plate.

Dumb It Down

     Beauty is nice, but when it's coupled with brains, it is magnificent. Why then is it cool to be stupid?

    I know several smart, attractive people, both male and female, that dumb themselves down for the sake of a date. Why? Simple. Smart doesn't equal sexy. When I was in high school, I was far from being considered hot. I was on honor roll, accelerated classes, student council, and every extra curricular activity I could make time for. Boys didn't ask me out on Friday. They asked for my notes instead. To be frank, with the exception of Homecoming dances and Prom, I wasn't that cute. In high school, superficiality reigns and logic takes a backseat. It shouldn't be surprising that I didn't get my first boyfriend until I was 17 and a senior in high school.

    Fast forward to the present. When I see the same guys who wouldn't give me the time of day in high school, I am always amused. They've forgotten, but I haven't. To be fair, I've come a long way like those slim cigarettes, in terms of my appearance. Mentally, however, I am the same in many ways. My opinion has always been that the world doesn't need another beautiful idiot walking around. If a man likes me, he has to first seduce my mind before he has any hope of seducing the rest of me.

There's nothing wrong with being pleasing to the eye. It helps to remember that your mind will last a lot longer than your beauty. I was once asked if I wanted a guy to like me for my mind. I'll still answer that question with an emphatic "Yes".

I Want You To Want Me

     When in a relationship, you do things for someone because you want to. What happens when everything involving that other person becomes a chore? Is it better to be wanted or needed?

     When a relationship first starts you never want to be away from each other, all of their jokes are funny, and no matter what they ask for you try to deliver come hell or high water. After the ardor fades is when the real fun starts. The cracks start to show and you begin to see how your partner really feels about you. I remember asking an ex-boyfriend to do something for me and receiving a less than civil response.

    "Sure. Since everyone thinks that I live to serve them."

     Nice, huh?

    I have always felt that being wanted is better than being needed. Need has a desperate connotation. You need food and water, not another person. When someone wants you they are consciously choosing to have you in their life. It isn't drudgery because it is their choice. Need pushes people to do crazy things i.e. stalking, harassing, and being generally creepy. When you want someone, your free will is in use, not need driven obsession.

Exes and Ohs

     When you live in close proximity to your ex, seeing each other is inevitable. The best way to handle it is to be mature and keep to yourself. What if this isn't an option?

     Recently, I popped into one of my favorite bars on a Sunday to watch the game and listen to one of my favorite d.j.s spin. I took a seat at the bar next to an acquaintance that I will call Keith, for the sake of anonymity. I noticed that my ex was sitting further down at the bar. Only Keith and another woman separated us. This didn't bother me. I wasn't there to see him. I assumed he'd watch the game and not bother me. I assumed wrong.

     I turned on my stool to watch the game behind me. I felt him looking at me. A few moments later he stopped in front of me on his way to the restroom and said, "Hi."

     "Hi," I replied and kept watching the game.

     He went back to his bar stool. Keith quietly explained to the woman sitting on the other side of him that the guy sitting on her left was my ex. I'm still wondering who asked him to do this.

     No sooner had I begun enjoying the game again, did my ex walk past me again to use the restroom.

     "How have you been?" he asked

     "Good," I replied trying not to engage him.

     After my ex returned to his stool, Keith decided it was time to try and make things weird.

     "You could smile," he said to me as I watched the game.

     "I'm watching the game and I'm content," I said trying to hide my irritation.

     I knew what he was trying to do. I lack patience for people who stir the pot.

     "What's wrong with you?" Keith asked my ex.

     "Nothing. Just watching the game."

     Keith then decided he wanted to do shots.

     "Carl," he started. "Give me four buttercrowns. One for all four of us."

     The bartender knows I don't drink. I was having a my customary cranberry juice and soda. Carl the bartender enlightened Keith, thankfully.

     "She doesn't drink," he said.

     "Oh. Well, just make it three then."

     Really? Even if I did drink, why would I want to raise a glass with an ex that I still don't want to be bothered with. (See "Text From an Ex" entry)

     Finally, my ex started putting on his coat and saying his goodbyes. I hoped he would leave without bothering me. No such luck.

     Once again, he stopped in front of me as I watched the game.

     "Can I have a hug?"

     "What?" I asked

     I couldn't believe the question. After what he'd put me through when we dated, now he wanted a hug. I was fairly certain that I told him never to contact me again when we broke up. I also meant in public.

     Now it was my turn to give the stankface. I side hugged  him, rolled my eyes, and continued watching the game. Apparently, he needed closure. When we broke up, I didn't. I was relieved. The end of our relationship was just abysmal.

     As sure as the sky is blue, you can be certain that you'll see your ex. How you handle it is up to you. No matter how those around you behave, keep moving forward. It's only awkward if you allow it to be.

Here's Looking at You

     They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. If this is true, people ought to be more careful with glances and facial expressions.

     About two months ago, on a Sunday evening, I decided to go to one of my favorite burger joints for dinner. I noticed my ex boyfriend's car across the alley. I assumed he was at the bar that also is across the alley. He wasn't.

    I opened the door and headed in for a burger. As soon as I took my seat I felt eyes on me. I looked over to see my ex looking at me. When our eyes connected, he shot me a look that seemed to say, "Oh great. She's here."

    He had totally given me the stank face. I didn't think men were capable of the stank face. I stand corrected.

     I chuckled and opened up my laptop. Haters  are gonna hate and I had work to do.

     About five minutes after getting my burger, the bartender approached me.

    "Excuse me," he started.

     "Yes," I said finishing the bite I had just taken.

     "The gentleman at the end of the bar says he knows you."

     "Uh-Huh," I said.

     "He says he'd like to pay for your food."

    I had a choice to make. I could take the offer as a massive insult or a tremendous compliment. Who gives someone the stank face and then pays for their dinner? Also, when we were together he acted as though I couldn't function without him. I still have no clue where he got this misguided notion from. I chose to take this gesture as a compliment and not put the bartender in an awkward position.

     "I'll allow it," I conceded.

    Before my burger was finished, my ex had left. I continued my work on my laptop and laughed at the irony. We both live in my city's downtown area, so seeing each other is a given. To me, it isn't a big deal. He's my past and my future is bright.

The Lady Has Two Faces

     One of the best things about having friends is having things in common. Even if the thing in common is a person that you both don't care for. You both have shared confidences and have vented to each other.  What happens when one party is possibly a turncoat?

     A few months ago, my friend Liza and I received invitations to a party via Facebook. Liza couldn't go because she was heading out of town. I couldn't because I was in a wedding. As Liza scrolled down the guest list, she noticed a name that struck her wrong.

    "Meredith Invited Jeanette? She doesn't like her as much as we don't," Liza said.

    "I know. What's that about?"

    It's true. Meredith can't stand Jeanette. To be honest, Jeanette is very difficult to get along with. So imagine how surprised we were to see her name.

    "The way Meredith talks about her to me, it makes me wonder what she says about me when I'm not around," Liza replied.

    That got me thinking. How did Liza know she wasn't getting bashed behind her back? If you can't stand someone, why are they invited to your party? If they're so awful, why even associate with them? Seems a bit disingenuous, doesn't it? Don't misunderstand me; there is a difference between civility and being fake.

    Another example that comes to mind is, one time a bunch of my friends and I were hanging out at one of our local haunts and were inviting others to come. My friend, Miguel, was going to invite our friend, Willa, when he was stopped in his tracks.

     "If you're going to call her, I'm leaving," a friend, whom I'll call Bianca, protested.

     "What's the problem?" I asked

     Bianca launched into a story of how Willa allegedly had hooked up with a guy that she knew Bianca liked. This put us in an odd spot.

     "Fine. Go ahead and call her. I don't care," Bianca pouted.

     When Willa showed up, Bianca greeted her as though they were the best of friends. Miguel and I looked at each other with knowing glances. Why the theatrical display if it was to be followed up with an immediate retreat? Bianca left about an hour later citing an early class. Miguel and I tried to hide our matching smirks.

    Keeping up morale is important. Sometimes you are put in a social setting that you didn't construct. If you are thrown into a gathering with people you don't care for, be civil and keep it moving. There is no need to extend any extra pleasantries. When you do you border on being artificial.

   

   

Shedding Skin

    As we open the New Year hopeful and uncertain, it's important to shed the old habits and mindsets that held us back in 2013. The only way to shed them is to acknowledge them.

     In 2013, I decided to begin living the life that I've always wanted. I celebrated the last birthday of my '20's and a year of sobriety. I even started the groundwork for my own business. Last September, I started a relationship with a guy I thought finally appreciated my ambition and understood me. While he did give me good business advice, he also gave me "suggestions" that sounded like harshly worded criticisms. My business is my baby and you don't let someone speak ill of your child. That was strike one. His next offense was thinking that his time was more important than mine. That was strike two. I'm a firm believer that you make time for what you want to make time for. Needless to say I gave him the boot.

     Towards the end of the 2013, I also decided it was time to cast aside the baggage of others and focus on myself. While I love my parents, their emotional suitcases are their problem. I will love them from afar and keep them in my prayers, but it's best if I don't directly bother with them. I was a good sport in my '20's. I plan to go into my '30's free of the emotional and mental clutter they provided me with.

In 2014, I plan to do many things that scare me, but will ultimately make me a better person. I will not let past insecurities and doubt make me think I am less than what I am or have less potential than I actually have. I have a fire inside of me and I intend to ignite everything in my path.