Best Thing I Never Had

     I've heard it said that there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what you want and the other is getting it. What happens when not getting what you want turns out to be the best alternative?

     I'm an over thinker. I admit it. When I want something, I think about it... a lot. A few months back, I ran into an acquaintance while I was out and about. I used to have the biggest crush on him. Even when I told myself that I was done, he still found a way to take up space in my head. As we briefly chatted, it was like a spell was broken. It was as though all his words were strung together to produce some absurd limerick. He was saying things that actually defied logic. Instead of feeling butterflies, I quietly offered a prayer of thanks to God for never letting me date him. What had I seen in him? Why had it taken so long for me to notice what a debacle dating him would have been? 

     I find that when you want something and you can't have it, there is usually a good reason. The universe is trying to save you from a monumental bad time. At first, you aren't able to see it because your judgment is clouded.

     About five years ago, I applied for a job at an influential non profit in my town. I did every form of interview prep I could think of. I was ready. I really felt like I had the interview in the bag. They didn't send me my rejection letter until a month and a half later. I obsessed the entire time in between. When I got the letter, I was disappointed to say the least. That following Summer the same position was vacant and being advertised on an online job posting board, just like when I applied. I learned two things from this: 1.) This organization had high turnover in this position. 2.) I dodged a huge bullet.

Sometimes when something looks good, you can get carried away. You begin to picture the thing or person you want in your life without being realistic. Stand in your truth. Would this thing or person really be a good fit? Upon deeper investigation, the answer is usually a resounding no. The grass is greener only where you water it.

The Real Me

     In this social media age, it's hard to tell what's real and what's all facade. No one is really what they seem. With all the digital exposure, people are still unknown. Few people are really who they portray themselves as. Is it okay to be yourself?

     I try to be authentic. Fake people tend to grate my nerves. I try not to be around these people simply because I don't trust them or their intentions. Being "real" doesn't mean perfection. Most people forget that the first step to being yourself is to be honest about who you are. The past couple of years, I have made a conscious effort to be to be honest with myself.  I've found that I am type A, aggressive, and sometimes cold. I am warm towards those I care about, but people who have tried to take advantage of me experience my "polar vortex" firsthand. In addition to these traits, I am also passionate, efficient and resilient. However, the first three tend to shape my personal relationships.

     My type A and aggressive nature are what is needed to get things done professionally. Efficiency is something I have to be whether working my day job or doing my PR work. I am cold when my personal relationships don't yield themselves to warmth anymore. When I feel disrespect or lack of effort, I go cold as I mentioned above. I've come to terms with this. I don't lie about it or pretend it isn't so. That would be inauthentic.

    For example, at a previous job, a co-worker quit. She was given a going away luncheon. I confess, I didn't like her and wasn't sad to see her go. That being said I didn't attend. I wasn't rude about it, I quietly requested a half day and went home. To me, it was disingenuous to paste on a smile and feast on free food. I'd rather starve than dine on behalf of an enemy. I'm just being truthful. Some would argue my actions were harsh. I get it. Sometimes, you are in situations where civility is called for. That's fine, but when you have an option, I don't think you have to put up with certain things.

     Part of the human experience is to engage in the full experience. That experience should be as real as you can possibly make it. Not just real to others, but real to yourself.