Office Party Foul

     Everybody loves to party. It doesn't matter if it is in a backyard or an office; parties are usually a good time. With each setting comes an unspoken set of rules. Most people follow them, but not everyone does.

     My friend Liza told me the story of her mother's holiday office party from this past year to me recently and it got me wondering about party etiquette. Liza's mom works at a financial planning firm in a suburb outside of my town. One of her co-workers is a college student who lives up to most college student stereotypes. She not only dresses inappropriately, but she finds any excuse to come in late or pass off her responsibilities on others. However, her behavior at this past year's Christmas party took the cake.

     Liza told me that not only was she wearing an absurdly short skirt; she committed the ultimate office party mistake: She got drunk out of her mind. Halfway through the party she was black out drunk. She began to hit on their very married boss. Apparently, this gentleman in unhappily married to a woman who spends his money and is away from their home for days on end partying. Knowing this, she used the information to her advantage, but forgot about her own boyfriend in the process.

     Another party crime to add to her list was that she told personal information about herself. She went into how she'd had an abortion and how she and her boyfriend had kept it from their parents. Why she'd choose to disclose that is beyond me. Even sober you keep this sort of thing to yourself unless you're writing deathbed memoirs. Worst of all, the following Monday at work she remembered nothing. As I said earlier, she'd blacked out.

     Navigating an office party can be fun but sometimes slippery terrain. Yes, the atmosphere is more relaxed, but you shouldn't forget that you have to see these people on Monday. Any faux pas you make can and will become water cooler fodder. By all means let yourself go a little. Just be sure that you can get yourself back.

Yield Not to Temptation

     This year for Lent, I decided to give up desserts and shopping (I have a penchant for buying dresses unnecessarily). As you might have imagined, this has only increased my yearning for them. What is it about the forbidden that makes it so desirable?

     When I was in college, one of my girlfriends began carrying on with one of the fiancés of one of my graduated sorority sisters. It started as a drunken mishap at a party. She'd had a crush on him from the time that she'd met him, especially after working with him on our school's student government. One day we were getting lunch and she brought up the party, as it had just happened the previous weekend.

     "I think I drank too much at the party," she sighed.

     "Oh, yeah?"

     "Yeah. I did something I probably shouldn't have."

     I didn't know what else to say. Prying for information has never been my style.

     "Yeah. You know Nicolette?"
 
     "She's one of my sisters, but she was graduating the year I was initiated. So, I didn't see a lot of her."

     "Do you know her fiancé?" she asked.

     "I know of him," I wondered where she could be going with this line of questioning.

     "I did some things I shouldn't have... with him."

     I grew silent for a while. I didn't want her thinking that what she did was right, but I also didn't want her thinking I was about to get out my soap box. In addition, she did this with the soon to be husband of one of my sisters. I was in a very shaky place. Although, I must admit I was not happy that she'd carried on with an engaged man.

     "He's engaged. Why would you do that?"

     "Well, I've always liked him and he kissed me first."

     "It doesn't matter. Don't let this situation escalate further. Nip it in the bud."

     "It was a drunken mistake. It won't happen again."

     As her friend, I took her word. Plus, she was 19. Who knows men, let alone the world, at 19? About a month and a half later on the way to the mall, she confessed that she's had another liaison with him.

     "I won't condemn you, but I don't condone what you've done. This isn't a mistake anymore."
 
      "Crystal, he's not happy. He's only marrying her because both they and their families have known each other for so long."

     I confess, her logic got my back up a little.

     "He's using you. If he is so unhappy, why did he propose?"

     "He only did it because that is what is expected of him."

     Her excuses only boiled me more.

     "Then he needs to be a man and be honest with her."

     There was no convincing her. I found out these encounters continued on and off up until the beginning of his marriage. They eventually stopped their affair, but it was the principle. He was older and knew how she felt and used it to his advantage. However, she is also at fault. She knowingly embarked on this affair with him and justified them with the same patchwork of excuses he'd given her.

     No matter how temping something may appear, you have to look at the possible drawbacks. Some temptations are harder to resist than others. If you give in, you have to be ready for what comes with it. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where it is watered.
    

Everybody's Got Their Something

     Beauty, they say is in the eye of the beholder. So, why do others criticize what you behold as beauty or worse not understand your standard.
   
 I remember sitting with my girlfriends, Talia and Christina, at an IHOP after a night out talking about what all single women talk about: Men.

     "I know I have type," Christina started. "Everyone does."

     "I disagree," I said before biting into my pancake.

     At this my friends looked at me and burst out laughing.
  
      "What?" I asked.
    
      "You don't have a type?" Talia asked with a raised eyebrow.

     "No. I have things that I like, but I think saying I have a "type" is extreme."

     "You have a type and it's obvious to anyone who knows you," Christina laughed.

     It's true. I like guys that are clean cut or for the sake of argument, "preppy". A guy in a well fitting oxford shirt, khakis, and Sperry topsiders is attractive. Plus, there is something attractive about a nice looking guy in glasses. I also like graying hair, but that is beside the point.

     As I thought about it further, I began to wonder: Does each person have a type? As I've said, I have things that I like, but that's about it. I do like men that are blond with blue eyes, but I also like men with dark eyes, dark hair and olive skin. However, dark hair and light eyes are attractive because you don't see it often. So, I guess men are my general type. Even after telling my girlfriends this they would hear none of it. They are convinced that I like conservatively dressed men who are older than me. There is some truth to that. Although, if I were to find someone in my age range with the same goals and objectives, I would date them.

     Ultimately, what is deemed attractive is subjective. You can never be certain what will strike you as beautiful. Sometimes you might surprise yourself when looking for a significant other. Looks may attract you, but it should not be the only deciding factor. Being with an attractive, but mean spirited person isn't a good idea. It is more about what's on the inside once you get past the exterior.

    

None of Your Friend's Business

     A relationship is a complex and dynamic arrangement. It is a dichotomy between two people that no one outside of it will ever understand. Not even the friends of the respective parties. So when the relationship ends it doesn't need to be complicated by questions from your ex's friends and those associated with them.

    When my last boyfriend and I split, I was ready for a fresh start. I was more self aware and tired of being in a relationship with someone who couldn't see past their own delusions of grandeur. About 10 minutes after our break up, I deleted his phone number and changed my status on Facebook. I wasn't his girlfriend in real life, so I saw no point in pretending on the World Wide Web. All I was interested in was moving forward with my life. Not even 5 minutes after my change of status on Facebook, I received a phone call from one of my ex boyfriend's good friends. I am sure that she meant well, but the questions that would have come out of that phone call were not ones that needed to be answered. When I end a relationship, the last thing I want to do is dissect it endlessly, especially with that person's close friend. While she and I get along, he is her friend. Her loyalty would and should lie with him.

     Even at church a week later I wasn't safe. One of his business associates stopped me to tell me that he'd seen him the day before.

     "He's not my boyfriend anymore."

     "I just saw him yesterday and he didn't say anything."
  
     "I can't account for all that," I said with a smile as I slowly sipped my coffee.

     Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was visiting my friend, Liza and her adorable children, Anderson and Allison. Her husband, Declan was still at work. I heard my phone ring from inside my purse. I didn't recognize the number and against my better judgment answered the call.

     "Hello?"

     "Hey, it's Winnie."

     (You may remember her from my very first blog post as the hostess of the holiday party.)

     "How are you?" she asked.

     "Good. And yourself?"

     I hadn't spoken to this woman in months, so I was a little confused as to why she was all of a sudden reaching out to me.

     "I'm doing well. So, what happened with you two?"

     All I could think was that this had to be some type of joke. Are you kidding me? First off, this woman is in her mid-fifties. She knows better. Secondly, my ex is her best friend. He walked her down the aisle at her wedding to her husband, James. I'm sure he's given his side. I refused to get into the pots and pans of our relationship. I believe in the PR motto: "Tell them everything, but tell them nothing."

     "We're not together, so I'll leave it that," I nonchalantly replied.

     "He says he hasn't seen you around downtown. He says you just vanished."

     I was quietly seething. It was as though he was implying that our break up sent me screaming into my apartment seeking a life of reclusion. Wrong on all counts. I still go downtown and spend time with my friends. My social life is still quite active. He and I both live in my city's downtown, so it isn't unlikely that I will see hm. The difference is I don't look for him. Further more; God has not yet created the man that can make me leave somewhere that I want to be. This goes back to his inflated sense of self, which needless to say is part of the reason for the break up in the first place.

     Winnie said she wanted to do lunch. I have no plans on that ever occurring. I don't wish to engage in "Ex Fest 2013". As if that weren't enough, she asked if I was "looking" for another boyfriend. To which I said no. You look for jobs, not boyfriends. Then, adding insult to injury, she asked if I wanted to date her friend that she had in the car with her. This was not only rude but creepy. To attempt to set up your best friend's ex with other people is just weird. I couldn't get off the phone with her fast enough. I was completely caught off guard by both the call and her unbridled crassness.

     A month after he and I broke up, I got an unexpected call from his mother, who hadn't talked to him since her birthday in July. When I informed her that we were broken up and that I would not be talking to him now or ever again in life, she asked what had happened. I informed her that I was not going to discuss it. She said something very telling to me. She said, "I thought you could fix him." Had she told me months ago that her son was "broken" she could have saved me time and I could have left months earlier. She asked how I felt about our break up. I told her I was happy with it. I lied. The truth is I was ecstatic, but I felt it would be rude to tell his mother that.

     When two people split up, unless otherwise asked, stay as far out of their affairs as humanly possible. You definitely shouldn't "squeeze" their ex for information no matter how civil you are with them. It's rude and intrusive. If you and your friend's ex are on good terms, leave it at that. If you're meant to know, you will.
    

Come As You Are?

     I have began to notice a disturbing trend recently. People dressing inappropriately without the slightest thought of their surroundings. In the past couple years I have noticed that dress codes are ignored if not altogether trampled.

     One example that I see weekly is at church. For the most part the congregation dresses appropriately. However, the wardrobe of some of the teen aged girls systematically shrinks not only in size but also in width. No matter what religion or faith you are, there is a specific code of dress that should be observed. The young women apparently don't feel as though they are dressed poorly because no matter how tight or short their skirts are they throw on a cardigan. To be frank, that is a like putting a band aid on a hemorrhage. In all fairness, it isn't all of them. My friend and I have a saying, "Come as you are. Not dressed for the bar."

     This lack of awareness wouldn't be as awful if it could be chalked up to youthful indiscretion. Sadly, the older generations are joining in also. I am reminded of a night I was having dinner at my town's golf club with my then boyfriend and his business associates. All was well until in walked the neighboring township's supervisor. She was dressed in sneakers, a baggy t-shirt, and a pair of exercise capri pants.

     "Sorry, I'm late. I came here straight from 5k training," she explained.
   
     First off, I was mystified as to why she wouldn't have taken a shower before showing up. You've been running and sweating, why wouldn't you go home first? Did I mention that this was in late June? I'd never met her before and there is indeed no second chance at a first impression. What was her hurry? Simple. At the dinner in question, one of the men there was on her board of trustees. Her sole purpose was to talk to him about giving up his benefits. She felt that once she got him on board, the other trustees would fall in line. She of course, would keep all of her benefits as township supervisor. As you may have expected, this did not go over well and the gentleman declined her offer.

     Everyone makes mistakes. However, this same woman doesn't seem to get it. My church has an annual raffle. It's a fun event. The food is phenomenal, the atmosphere is fun, and the guests are influential. The dress code is definitely after five, though not black tie. She was dressed in brown stacked heeled mules, brown wide legged pants, and a patterned top that had different shades of brown in it. As I walked to my table I noticed a hood looming out of the back. This is not the kind of event you wear anything with a hood to. Also, as a local politician it seems she would be more discriminating in her attire. Especially, since the next year was an election year. I have seen her at other events and she has this same haphazard approach in dress at those also. It just proves that neither money or a title can give you the sense of reverence and appropriateness that is required in some settings. The teenage girls in my congregation have time to learn and change. The local politician afore mentioned, not so much.

     As individuals, everything is a choice. There is a time and place for everything. At some point each person has to be able to gauge what is acceptable both in dress and in conduct.

Where There's Smoke

     I love my apartment. It's small but full of character. It is at the top of a large multi family house that has been split into five apartments. My neighbors keep to themselves and we hardly see each other, yet one of my downstairs neighbor's presence is always felt.

     One evening as I was getting ready for bed, I smelled a cake being baked by one of my neighbors. The scent wafted its way into my bedroom. When I headed to my living room to turn off the light, another smell hit me and it wasn't cake. It was what an older generation might call "wacky tobacky". A smirk found its way to my face as I headed off to bed.

     Over the next couple of weeks I would smell my neighbor's smoke as I cooked, as I read, or showered. Don't misunderstand me, it is in the privacy of his apartment and he isn't troublesome, so I don't make a fuss. On the weekends however, it comes up through my vents at least 4-6 times a day. I have found that when it comes to neighbors, it is important to pick your battles. This isn't something that needs to be a war.

     Some things are worth addressing. Some are not. He isn't disturbing me or the other neighbors in the house. His music is always at a respectable level and he is always civil when I see him. His burning of a certain "herb" is something I am willing to look past as long as there are no other problems. In comparison to some of my friends, who have much bigger issues with their neighbors, I can deal with a little smoke.

Get Yourself (Dis)Connected

     It seems that the more technology advances, the more our manners make a retreat. Smart phones and ipads rule social interactions so much that nothing is sacred.

     My good friend, Liza, recently went to her husband's co-worker's wedding reception expecting an evening of toasts and well wishes. She got something much different. She said there were entire tables that hardly looked up from their smart phones. One little boy even had his ipad plugged into an outlet in the wall during the reception. This is outlandish to me. I would have thought for sure a wedding and/or its reception would be free of technology's grasp. Apparently not.

     No public space seems to be immune from social connectivity. Teenagers text in church, school, and anywhere they can get away with. I have seen people texting in premier restaurants instead of enjoying their meals and company. Even at parks people are using Kindles instead of seeing the beauty around them. As I have stated before, I don't have an aversion to technology. All I want is for people to have a sense of discretion in their usage.

      The next time you are heading to a social function, fight the urge to constantly check your Facebook or return a text. You aren't missing out on as much as you think. Try instead to connect with those around you. You'd be surprised what you might learn.

Catty in her Coffee

     I have a co worker who upon her return from maternity leave not only gave birth to a daughter but also sharpened her claws. What is it about some women that make you dread their re-entry to the office?

     The week after Thanksgiving of 2012, Jocelyn returned to the office. (You may remember her from a previous blog.) At first, she was all baby talk and smiles. By her second week back that had changed. She was irritable and asking her any question was met with dismissive behavior or "I don't know. You'll have to ask someone else." I am completely understanding of the fact that she was on leave for twelve weeks, but I felt she could have asked anyone for help to get back on track.

     Another instance was when another co worker and I were eating lunch and he mentioned that one of our former co workers had gotten engaged. I was genuinely happy for her. She'd started dating a handsome doctor who was half way through his residency and seemed to really care about her. Jocelyn hearing this turned around and added with a smirk, "Well, that didn't take long, did it?"

     "What do you mean?" I asked

     "She's only been dating him a few months. Didn't she start dating him before she quit here?"

     "He treats her better than her ex. I'm happy for her," I countered.

     "It figures she'd snare a doctor. She's more of a fundraising lady who lunches. She'll be having babies and going to charity functions in no time."

     That dig by Jocelyn really irritated me. If both parties were happy, who cared? To be honest, she'd never liked this lady. She was younger, prettier, and thinner than Jocelyn, so of course this was a problem. Jocelyn was always nice to her face, clawing her like a scratch post behind her back.

    Sensing that my co worker and I weren't going to indulge her catty chatter, she vacated the kitchen. Her newest source of contention is that she hasn't found a new job. She can be frequently caught whispering about how she has friends with "important" jobs. She often makes personal calls on the clock on her cell phone, sometimes to her friends.

     Now that her baby is much older she has mellowed slightly. I still steer clear of her. She isn't above the occasional dig or cutting remark.