My faith is a part of who I am. I am Orthodox Christian. This doesn't mean that I am perfect. Why is it that this misconception keeps occurring?
One night my mother and I were talking on the phone, when the conversation veered to one of her former friends who has made some bad life choices. When I expressed to my mother that I didn't feel sorry for her because she is old enough to know better, my mother blasted me.
"You go to church and chant and look at you. You aren't even compassionate."
I was irritated that she used my faith against me. Had she not interrupted, I would've explained that enabling behavior is why she has continued her destructive pattern in life. I would've also mentioned that I didn't feel sorry for this woman because of what her choices have put her family through. Even as a mother and grandmother, this woman selfishly follows this dysfunctional way of life. Compassion doesn't equal excuse making. Being Christian doesn't mean that you enable or be taken advantage of. No matter what you do or don't believe, you are accountable for your actions. That is part of being human.
"Don't toss the cross, Mom", I countered. "She has been on a destructive path for while. It isn't that I lack compassion, but if people keep making excuses, she'll never improve."
My mother's reaction really got my back up. She hasn't been to church since the Carter Administration, but she still tried to make me look hypocritical. I'm not a holy roller by any stretch. I sin. I go to church not because of good I am, but by virtue of how terrible I can be. I need redemption like horses need hay. However, Christianity should not be used as a vehicle for intolerance. Not every Christian is a member of Westboro Baptist Church. To be frank, I think that that whole group are a bunch of intolerant, ignorant jerks. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. This is the faith that works for me. Even if I were to believe in nothing, I would still hold people accountable for their actions. Especially in cases where it hurt other people such as members of their family.
Lastly, I am human. I will mess up just as sure as I am breathing. Flaws don't cease to exist because of what you do or don't believe. As I stated previously, Christianity doesn't make you perfect. It also doesn't give you license to be judge, jury, and executioner. Your personal belief system is just that: personal.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Bring Him, Leave her
I can't think of anyone who doesn't like getting together with friends. The invitation list is usually where the trouble starts. What happens when you want a friend to come, but not their girlfriend? Suddenly, the social waters become murky.
The majority of my friends are guys. Usually, their girlfriends are just as fun and amazing as they are. However, the opposite sometimes occurs. As we all scroll through our phone contacts to call up more friends, we occasionally hit a wall. If we call him, we get her too. The problem is: no one wants her. The women range from being anti-social to full frontal obnoxious. Sometimes you even get the socially awkward ones who can't seem to tear themselves away from their boyfriend's side. They never interact with the rest of the group and only speak in indistinct murmurs to him.
A few summers back, my friend, Cameron, was dating a girl I'll call Bethany. She was several years younger and several shades anti-social. Every time we would all hang out at his apartment, she would call from her apartment, which happened to be across the street at the time, to say that she wanted to come hang out. We all agreed only to regret it. She'd come from across the street and pull down the gathering's morale. She was Buzz Killington. She would smile from time to time and barely speak. She would even cause random arguments with Cameron or storm out in a snit over some imaginary slight she felt. He would try to excuse her behavior by saying that she was only socially awkward.
"Michael Cera is awkward, but at least he's funny. When's the last time she told a joke?" I countered.
Cameron isn't the only one. When my good friend, Parker was dating one of my sorority sisters, Samantha Jo, we were often faced with the dilemma of what was to be done with his girlfriend. She was overbearing and more clingy than static on a silk dress. Very few times was she a pleasure to be around. In spite of the fact that we knew she would be a disaster, we knew if we wanted Parker, she was tagging along too. The thing is; Parker's so awesome to be around that we were willing to endure her presence. Trust me; it was indeed a test of endurance.
Hanging out with friends is one of the best parts of life. You can only hope that they couple themselves with people who match their own radiance. If not, you will have to put on a happy face and enjoy the party. After all, isn't your friend worth it?
The majority of my friends are guys. Usually, their girlfriends are just as fun and amazing as they are. However, the opposite sometimes occurs. As we all scroll through our phone contacts to call up more friends, we occasionally hit a wall. If we call him, we get her too. The problem is: no one wants her. The women range from being anti-social to full frontal obnoxious. Sometimes you even get the socially awkward ones who can't seem to tear themselves away from their boyfriend's side. They never interact with the rest of the group and only speak in indistinct murmurs to him.
A few summers back, my friend, Cameron, was dating a girl I'll call Bethany. She was several years younger and several shades anti-social. Every time we would all hang out at his apartment, she would call from her apartment, which happened to be across the street at the time, to say that she wanted to come hang out. We all agreed only to regret it. She'd come from across the street and pull down the gathering's morale. She was Buzz Killington. She would smile from time to time and barely speak. She would even cause random arguments with Cameron or storm out in a snit over some imaginary slight she felt. He would try to excuse her behavior by saying that she was only socially awkward.
"Michael Cera is awkward, but at least he's funny. When's the last time she told a joke?" I countered.
Cameron isn't the only one. When my good friend, Parker was dating one of my sorority sisters, Samantha Jo, we were often faced with the dilemma of what was to be done with his girlfriend. She was overbearing and more clingy than static on a silk dress. Very few times was she a pleasure to be around. In spite of the fact that we knew she would be a disaster, we knew if we wanted Parker, she was tagging along too. The thing is; Parker's so awesome to be around that we were willing to endure her presence. Trust me; it was indeed a test of endurance.
Hanging out with friends is one of the best parts of life. You can only hope that they couple themselves with people who match their own radiance. If not, you will have to put on a happy face and enjoy the party. After all, isn't your friend worth it?
Friday, November 22, 2013
Snub is the Word
Human beings are social creatures and like being acknowledged by those that they know. When a friend or colleague ignores you, it leaves you wondering why.
A few months ago, I was a bridesmaid at my sorority sister's wedding. I was single, so I enlisted my friend, Adair, as my date. At the reception, one of the guests who was an associate from college and was the wife of the groom's fraternity brother, came up and spoke to me. We chatted for a little while. I noticed that she said not even two words to Adair or looked in his direction.
"What was that about?" Adair asked after she walked away.
"I don't know. I thought you guys were cool."
"I thought we were too," he replied.
There was no getting around it, he'd been snubbed.
Just recently, I too, was snubbed. As I was stopping in to see my stylist and discuss business (she's my first client of my side business). I saw one of my sorority sisters with one of her friends.
"Hi, Cara," I greeted.
She barely looked at me and made some faint unintelligible sound. I proceeded to talk shop with my stylist. I had a job to do and Cara's rudeness wasn't going to stop this. The only thing that chafed me, was that I knew the next time I saw her socially she was going to enthusiastically greet me. I am the same person all of the time. I acknowledge people no matter who I'm around. Even if I don't like someone, I am at least civil. This is a lost art form, apparently.
As I get older I resign myself to the fact that if someone doesn't speak to me or behaves anti-socially, there is no reason to push the issue. That being said, the party who has done the snubbing shouldn't later expect the snubee to go out of their way to speak to them. This is after all, a situation that they've created.
A few months ago, I was a bridesmaid at my sorority sister's wedding. I was single, so I enlisted my friend, Adair, as my date. At the reception, one of the guests who was an associate from college and was the wife of the groom's fraternity brother, came up and spoke to me. We chatted for a little while. I noticed that she said not even two words to Adair or looked in his direction.
"What was that about?" Adair asked after she walked away.
"I don't know. I thought you guys were cool."
"I thought we were too," he replied.
There was no getting around it, he'd been snubbed.
Just recently, I too, was snubbed. As I was stopping in to see my stylist and discuss business (she's my first client of my side business). I saw one of my sorority sisters with one of her friends.
"Hi, Cara," I greeted.
She barely looked at me and made some faint unintelligible sound. I proceeded to talk shop with my stylist. I had a job to do and Cara's rudeness wasn't going to stop this. The only thing that chafed me, was that I knew the next time I saw her socially she was going to enthusiastically greet me. I am the same person all of the time. I acknowledge people no matter who I'm around. Even if I don't like someone, I am at least civil. This is a lost art form, apparently.
As I get older I resign myself to the fact that if someone doesn't speak to me or behaves anti-socially, there is no reason to push the issue. That being said, the party who has done the snubbing shouldn't later expect the snubee to go out of their way to speak to them. This is after all, a situation that they've created.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
On My Toes
In an organization of any size, people are called upon to fulfill various roles. Why is it that those least involved criticize the loudest?
My friend, Liza, became the coordinator of her church's Vacation Bible School (VBS) last year. Part of the reason for this was that no one wanted to do it. When she asked one woman who'd been involved previously if she could help she said she would be eight months pregnant and didn't want to be out of the air conditioning. Liza carried on without her. Fast forward to this year, when Liza asked again she told her that because she has a baby she wouldn't be very active. Liza proceeded forward with the help of her co-director.
A few weeks after VBS ended, this woman talked to Liza's co-director about sending out a survey. This struck Liza wrong. This woman didn't have time to participate, but she could organize a survey? Odd. When my friend approached the woman about this, she restated her position and said it was no big deal since she'd already cleared the survey with the pastor. Not only had she stepped on Liza's toes, she'd also gone behind her back. When Liza asked her if she'd had issues with the way VBS was directed she said no, but she just wanted to get "external input". This is interesting since no surveys were ever sent out before. Liza decided to voice her feelings in calmly written, proofread e-mail. The woman responded by emailing her back and saying that she didn't mean to offend Liza, but her family comes first and she couldn't make time for VBS because of it. In my opinion, she used her family to deflect blame. She had multiple opportunities to be involved and wouldn't. When Liza emailed her back she responded by saying she thinks a committee for VBS would be a good idea. Insult meet injury. For someone who couldn't be involved she wants a survey and the formation of a new committee. Liza was less than amused. Things get accomplished with just her and her co-director. She's all for volunteers, but a committee would be too many hands in the pot for a week long VBS.
When a call is uttered, do not be afraid to answer. For the most part, there will be gratitude, but there will always be detractors. Address them and move forward. If they don't like the job you're doing, tell them to give it a shot. That should quiet the grumbles.
My friend, Liza, became the coordinator of her church's Vacation Bible School (VBS) last year. Part of the reason for this was that no one wanted to do it. When she asked one woman who'd been involved previously if she could help she said she would be eight months pregnant and didn't want to be out of the air conditioning. Liza carried on without her. Fast forward to this year, when Liza asked again she told her that because she has a baby she wouldn't be very active. Liza proceeded forward with the help of her co-director.
A few weeks after VBS ended, this woman talked to Liza's co-director about sending out a survey. This struck Liza wrong. This woman didn't have time to participate, but she could organize a survey? Odd. When my friend approached the woman about this, she restated her position and said it was no big deal since she'd already cleared the survey with the pastor. Not only had she stepped on Liza's toes, she'd also gone behind her back. When Liza asked her if she'd had issues with the way VBS was directed she said no, but she just wanted to get "external input". This is interesting since no surveys were ever sent out before. Liza decided to voice her feelings in calmly written, proofread e-mail. The woman responded by emailing her back and saying that she didn't mean to offend Liza, but her family comes first and she couldn't make time for VBS because of it. In my opinion, she used her family to deflect blame. She had multiple opportunities to be involved and wouldn't. When Liza emailed her back she responded by saying she thinks a committee for VBS would be a good idea. Insult meet injury. For someone who couldn't be involved she wants a survey and the formation of a new committee. Liza was less than amused. Things get accomplished with just her and her co-director. She's all for volunteers, but a committee would be too many hands in the pot for a week long VBS.
When a call is uttered, do not be afraid to answer. For the most part, there will be gratitude, but there will always be detractors. Address them and move forward. If they don't like the job you're doing, tell them to give it a shot. That should quiet the grumbles.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Slaying The Dragon Lady
Everyone has a disagreeable person that they work with. This person brings external drama through their work place's doors constantly. They treat their coworkers like a cat treats a scratching post. Often their moods are more unpredictable than the stock market. What do you do?
I have a coworker, whom I'll call Annette, who is frequently moody. You never know what her attitude will be from one day to the next. Calling her extension or sending her an e-mail can either result in a normal response or one full of her ire.
Just recently, I gave her two pieces of paperwork. One required her signature and the other needed to be put in the computer system. She did the reverse. She called my extension saying that she needed to be notified when things needed to be input. I told her that I did tell her when I gave her the form. She hung up in my face.
"Whatever," I said aloud.
I come to work to do a job, not to please people with lousy dispositions. I've decided that I will be professional, but she is going to get a little attitude thrown back her way. Her home life is a hell of her own making. When you come to work, your home life and problems extending from that need to be checked at the door.
As Annette left that day she slammed her things down by the sign out sheet by my desk. She marched like an imperial guard towards the ladies restroom. I ignored her and kept reading. For her to be a mother of three she was going out of her way to be childish. I can't control her moods and I refuse to try.
When different personalities are put together in an office, all you can do is be professional and civil. You don't, however, have to be disrespected or at spoken at by someone who wants to blame their lack of professionalism on you. My work motto has become: "Keep Calm and Ignore the Shrew".
I have a coworker, whom I'll call Annette, who is frequently moody. You never know what her attitude will be from one day to the next. Calling her extension or sending her an e-mail can either result in a normal response or one full of her ire.
Just recently, I gave her two pieces of paperwork. One required her signature and the other needed to be put in the computer system. She did the reverse. She called my extension saying that she needed to be notified when things needed to be input. I told her that I did tell her when I gave her the form. She hung up in my face.
"Whatever," I said aloud.
I come to work to do a job, not to please people with lousy dispositions. I've decided that I will be professional, but she is going to get a little attitude thrown back her way. Her home life is a hell of her own making. When you come to work, your home life and problems extending from that need to be checked at the door.
As Annette left that day she slammed her things down by the sign out sheet by my desk. She marched like an imperial guard towards the ladies restroom. I ignored her and kept reading. For her to be a mother of three she was going out of her way to be childish. I can't control her moods and I refuse to try.
When different personalities are put together in an office, all you can do is be professional and civil. You don't, however, have to be disrespected or at spoken at by someone who wants to blame their lack of professionalism on you. My work motto has become: "Keep Calm and Ignore the Shrew".
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
The Uninvited
Everyone likes a happening or party, but if you aren't invited you shouldn't be there. This being said, why do people insist on going anyway?
For my twenty-seventh birthday, I had a dinner with all of my friends and my boyfriend at the time. A couple of my sorority sisters even showed up. I was excited to see them until I noticed who they'd brought with them. I'll be frank, I'd had quite a few flutes of champagne under my belt and was feeling more honest than usual. This other sister that they brought with them chafes me. She is obnoxious and rubs most people the wrong way. In addition, everyone who knows me knows that I don't like when people show up uninvited to things that I plan.
"What is she doing here?" I asked pointedly after taking my sisters aside.
"Well, she came with us because we were at another birthday party and she tagged along? Oh, she already feels awkward, Crystal."
"She should because she's not invited. We don't even care for each other," I replied.
I was irritated, but I wasn't going to make a scene. It was my birthday and I refused to upset the other guests.
"If she does anything, I'm going to ask her to leave," I said to them before taking my seat again.
For the most part, she was tolerable. Although, she did try to hold side conversations while I was speaking. After getting everyone's attention, the night went off without a hitch. We've all been in situations where we could easily become "the tagalong". In this case, ask the permission of the person whose soiree it is.
An invitation is a gracious extension from one person to another. If you aren't invited, don't show up anyway. It is rude and you might end up putting the host in a tight spot. Not to mention making sure you don't receive invitations of your own in the future.
For my twenty-seventh birthday, I had a dinner with all of my friends and my boyfriend at the time. A couple of my sorority sisters even showed up. I was excited to see them until I noticed who they'd brought with them. I'll be frank, I'd had quite a few flutes of champagne under my belt and was feeling more honest than usual. This other sister that they brought with them chafes me. She is obnoxious and rubs most people the wrong way. In addition, everyone who knows me knows that I don't like when people show up uninvited to things that I plan.
"What is she doing here?" I asked pointedly after taking my sisters aside.
"Well, she came with us because we were at another birthday party and she tagged along? Oh, she already feels awkward, Crystal."
"She should because she's not invited. We don't even care for each other," I replied.
I was irritated, but I wasn't going to make a scene. It was my birthday and I refused to upset the other guests.
"If she does anything, I'm going to ask her to leave," I said to them before taking my seat again.
For the most part, she was tolerable. Although, she did try to hold side conversations while I was speaking. After getting everyone's attention, the night went off without a hitch. We've all been in situations where we could easily become "the tagalong". In this case, ask the permission of the person whose soiree it is.
An invitation is a gracious extension from one person to another. If you aren't invited, don't show up anyway. It is rude and you might end up putting the host in a tight spot. Not to mention making sure you don't receive invitations of your own in the future.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Looking Back as I Move Ahead
Autumn is the perfect time of year for visits from friends and watching the leaves change. It also is a perfect time of year to let your mind drift.
Recently, I was enjoying a cup of coffee as I watched golf at one of my favorite downtown haunts. As I began to think about my current relationship, my mind drifted back to my last one. Old jokes and all of the good times entered my mind. Everything from golf lessons to riding horses began to infiltrate my brain. For a split second my mind began to romanticize our relationship. Thankfully, my brain overpowered me and reminded me that he was an ex for a reason.
Without warning, my mind filled with memories of his selfishness and unrelenting bragging. I was also reminded of how unsupportive he could be. Last July, I was in a car accident while trying to drive a friend home after we'd both had one too many drinks. I was less intoxicated than he was and in my poor judgment, tried to drive him home. My then boyfriend wasn't concerned if I was injured, he instead accused me of cheating with my friend. More memories flooded in without warning. Memories of how he viewed me as more of a trophy than a girlfriend. Upon further reflection, I realized that despite the good memories, the gravity of the bad times definitely outweigh them.
It's easy to put on rose colored shades and forget why you left a situation. The important thing is that you never forget. The past is behind you and the present is a gift. The best thing you can do is look forward to the future, because it is indeed bright. You deserve someone who treats you as you deserve. In the long run, your old relationship isn't worth a second glance.
Recently, I was enjoying a cup of coffee as I watched golf at one of my favorite downtown haunts. As I began to think about my current relationship, my mind drifted back to my last one. Old jokes and all of the good times entered my mind. Everything from golf lessons to riding horses began to infiltrate my brain. For a split second my mind began to romanticize our relationship. Thankfully, my brain overpowered me and reminded me that he was an ex for a reason.
Without warning, my mind filled with memories of his selfishness and unrelenting bragging. I was also reminded of how unsupportive he could be. Last July, I was in a car accident while trying to drive a friend home after we'd both had one too many drinks. I was less intoxicated than he was and in my poor judgment, tried to drive him home. My then boyfriend wasn't concerned if I was injured, he instead accused me of cheating with my friend. More memories flooded in without warning. Memories of how he viewed me as more of a trophy than a girlfriend. Upon further reflection, I realized that despite the good memories, the gravity of the bad times definitely outweigh them.
It's easy to put on rose colored shades and forget why you left a situation. The important thing is that you never forget. The past is behind you and the present is a gift. The best thing you can do is look forward to the future, because it is indeed bright. You deserve someone who treats you as you deserve. In the long run, your old relationship isn't worth a second glance.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Opportunity Knocks?
There is nothing wrong with seizing chances. That is what life's about. Where does one draw the line between that and being calculating?
When I was in college, my sorority had a mixer with a fraternity at a nearby college that is predominately male. We had an amazing dinner followed by a tour of their house. One sister took it upon herself to be overzealous and walk through each brother's room. When one of them mentioned their upcoming formal, her eyes lit up.
"You guys are having a formal? When is it?!"
I could see the gears turning in her head. By the time the mixer had ended, she'd latched onto one of the eligible brothers. As planned, she became his date to their formal. They dated briefly. Very briefly, if memory serves me correctly. No sooner had that tete a tete ended; she began dating another one of his fraternity brothers. This may seem harmless, but it wasn't. You see, this college is known for linking its graduates with great jobs and connections. Part of curriculum even includes them working a co-op job. If you think she didn't consider any of this, you'd be wrong. They became engaged and married. She just had their first child.
To a degree, we are all opportunists. Some of us are more than others. For the most part, the only time one should calculate is in math.
When I was in college, my sorority had a mixer with a fraternity at a nearby college that is predominately male. We had an amazing dinner followed by a tour of their house. One sister took it upon herself to be overzealous and walk through each brother's room. When one of them mentioned their upcoming formal, her eyes lit up.
"You guys are having a formal? When is it?!"
I could see the gears turning in her head. By the time the mixer had ended, she'd latched onto one of the eligible brothers. As planned, she became his date to their formal. They dated briefly. Very briefly, if memory serves me correctly. No sooner had that tete a tete ended; she began dating another one of his fraternity brothers. This may seem harmless, but it wasn't. You see, this college is known for linking its graduates with great jobs and connections. Part of curriculum even includes them working a co-op job. If you think she didn't consider any of this, you'd be wrong. They became engaged and married. She just had their first child.
To a degree, we are all opportunists. Some of us are more than others. For the most part, the only time one should calculate is in math.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Growing Pains
Friendships increase and decrease all during childhood. Once people reach adulthood your friendships are for life, right?
In the past year a lot has changed about me. Everything from my thoughts to ambitions have transformed. That being said, I have a friend who lately has been less a pleasure knowing. It seems character flaws that once seemed tiny have become glaring. She has a false sense of snobbery that is layered on top of cheap she can be. Also, her general behavior at times can be boorish. I still have fun overall, but there are always one or two moments when I am beyond irritated. What does one do?
In cases of betrayal, it would be a simple answer. You would cut your ties and never look back. In a case such as this, I suppose slowly fading is the best option. It limits volatility while keeping them at arm's length. That doesn't mean that you won't see them at social functions. Of course, you will. Be civil and keep moving.
As people get older their inner circle changes sometimes because of circumstances beyond your control and otherwise. Whatever the case may be, you should be certain that this is the step you want to take. Once bonds are cut, you can't always glue them back.
In the past year a lot has changed about me. Everything from my thoughts to ambitions have transformed. That being said, I have a friend who lately has been less a pleasure knowing. It seems character flaws that once seemed tiny have become glaring. She has a false sense of snobbery that is layered on top of cheap she can be. Also, her general behavior at times can be boorish. I still have fun overall, but there are always one or two moments when I am beyond irritated. What does one do?
In cases of betrayal, it would be a simple answer. You would cut your ties and never look back. In a case such as this, I suppose slowly fading is the best option. It limits volatility while keeping them at arm's length. That doesn't mean that you won't see them at social functions. Of course, you will. Be civil and keep moving.
As people get older their inner circle changes sometimes because of circumstances beyond your control and otherwise. Whatever the case may be, you should be certain that this is the step you want to take. Once bonds are cut, you can't always glue them back.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Child's Play
Generation after generation, children seem to be getting worse. It isn't entirely their fault. They can only do what they are allowed to do. Either way, it can still be aggravating for the rest of us.
A few weeks ago, I headed to my favorite restaurant after work to grab a meal and unwind. No sooner had I placed my order, did a baby behind me let out a wail that rivaled Pavarotti in his prime. The mother looked at her infant for a split second and continued talking to her friend. This floored me. Why would she not make an attempt to comfort her child? For the duration of my dinner, I was forced to listen to the "aria" that this child continued to belt out. The mother continued to ignore the child's protests.
Even at work I am not safe. One of my co workers often brings his children to work. They can be heard running up and down the halls. Sometimes they push each other in office chairs back and forth through the hallway in front of his office. One instance I can think of is when he brought his daughter to work. She was rollerblading in the break room. She kept getting in my way as I tried to get my morning cup of green tea. He just stood there as though he were watching a movie.
The older that I get the more I realize that a child's lapse in manners is due to the negligence of the parents. My maternal grandparents raised me. Manners and proper behavior were very important to them. They were loving but stern. I look at children these days and shake my head. There is no way that I would have been allowed to behave the way most children do and I am grateful for that.
Children need guidance. Parents are supposed to provide them with the blueprint for proper conduct. If there is no direction, you can't expect them to be well mannered and respectful. Sadly, if values never become instilled in them, they will only become worse as they mature. As a parent, you must realize that if you point fingers at your child, there are more pointing back at you.
A few weeks ago, I headed to my favorite restaurant after work to grab a meal and unwind. No sooner had I placed my order, did a baby behind me let out a wail that rivaled Pavarotti in his prime. The mother looked at her infant for a split second and continued talking to her friend. This floored me. Why would she not make an attempt to comfort her child? For the duration of my dinner, I was forced to listen to the "aria" that this child continued to belt out. The mother continued to ignore the child's protests.
Even at work I am not safe. One of my co workers often brings his children to work. They can be heard running up and down the halls. Sometimes they push each other in office chairs back and forth through the hallway in front of his office. One instance I can think of is when he brought his daughter to work. She was rollerblading in the break room. She kept getting in my way as I tried to get my morning cup of green tea. He just stood there as though he were watching a movie.
The older that I get the more I realize that a child's lapse in manners is due to the negligence of the parents. My maternal grandparents raised me. Manners and proper behavior were very important to them. They were loving but stern. I look at children these days and shake my head. There is no way that I would have been allowed to behave the way most children do and I am grateful for that.
Children need guidance. Parents are supposed to provide them with the blueprint for proper conduct. If there is no direction, you can't expect them to be well mannered and respectful. Sadly, if values never become instilled in them, they will only become worse as they mature. As a parent, you must realize that if you point fingers at your child, there are more pointing back at you.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Getting Too Old For This
When you're younger everything is a new experience. This also leaves room to make mistakes, which is fine. At what point do you stop doing the same nonsense of your youth and grow up?
A few months ago, a nearby party was going on. It was composed of newer members of my sorority, most of them I didn't know. I had my reservations about going because the crowd was not only young but not my usual scene. My friends talked me into going. I shouldered my purse and headed out. Upon walking inside I instantly felt like I didn't belong. I was the oldest person at the party but that isn't what bothered me. The young women there were going out of their way to act desperate at the first sign of male attention and alcohol hitting their blood stream. At that point, I was ready to leave. I remembered being that age, but I didn't remember having such low self esteem. No sooner had I considered this, a table with decorative vases with glass stones was knocked over and scattered on the floor. I took that as my cue to leave.
As I've gotten older I have had to make decisions on my life based on my own growth. This has led to ending of relationships and further analysis of my friendships. Some things are worth your time and some aren't. Part of becoming mature is having the cognitive reasoning to make these determinations. This doesn't mean that you have to become stodgy and boring, but it does mean that you know what a good investment of your time is. To paraphrase the Apostle Paul, when I was a child I acted like one. I'm a adult now and now it's time to put away the things of my youth.
A few months ago, a nearby party was going on. It was composed of newer members of my sorority, most of them I didn't know. I had my reservations about going because the crowd was not only young but not my usual scene. My friends talked me into going. I shouldered my purse and headed out. Upon walking inside I instantly felt like I didn't belong. I was the oldest person at the party but that isn't what bothered me. The young women there were going out of their way to act desperate at the first sign of male attention and alcohol hitting their blood stream. At that point, I was ready to leave. I remembered being that age, but I didn't remember having such low self esteem. No sooner had I considered this, a table with decorative vases with glass stones was knocked over and scattered on the floor. I took that as my cue to leave.
As I've gotten older I have had to make decisions on my life based on my own growth. This has led to ending of relationships and further analysis of my friendships. Some things are worth your time and some aren't. Part of becoming mature is having the cognitive reasoning to make these determinations. This doesn't mean that you have to become stodgy and boring, but it does mean that you know what a good investment of your time is. To paraphrase the Apostle Paul, when I was a child I acted like one. I'm a adult now and now it's time to put away the things of my youth.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Dear Facebook
Status updates on Facebook serve many purposes. They let you know where people are or what they are doing. Sometimes the status update becomes a medium used to over share. What happens then?
I like Facebook. It can be a source for information or a fun waste of time. For some people it is used like a diary. I can't tell you how many times I've logged on to see my news feed flooded with statuses that are a serious violation of TMI. Status updates have gone from light hearted to a way to rehash personal carnage. Both men and women martyr themselves over their status. They may think they're venting, but it just looks pathetic. Venting should be done with friends, family, and even a mental health professional, not an entire social networking community. People don't feel sorry for you; they just think that you're unstable. Don't misunderstand what I am saying. Sometimes a status update can be good way to keep people aware of a less than happy occurrence. I have a problem when it is the same repeat offenders telling far too much of their affairs online. I have read the countless rambling in my newsfeed and have been less than amused. I have had my own personal setbacks and heartbreaks, but I didn't air my dirty laundry in hopes of pity. Life is more about what you do in spite of what happens to you. I almost wish Facebook would limit the amount of characters someone can use like Twitter.
Facebook is a great outlet for many things. Personal business is not one of them. If you are tempted to make self loathing or pitiful keystrokes on Facebook, please don't. Call a friend instead.
I like Facebook. It can be a source for information or a fun waste of time. For some people it is used like a diary. I can't tell you how many times I've logged on to see my news feed flooded with statuses that are a serious violation of TMI. Status updates have gone from light hearted to a way to rehash personal carnage. Both men and women martyr themselves over their status. They may think they're venting, but it just looks pathetic. Venting should be done with friends, family, and even a mental health professional, not an entire social networking community. People don't feel sorry for you; they just think that you're unstable. Don't misunderstand what I am saying. Sometimes a status update can be good way to keep people aware of a less than happy occurrence. I have a problem when it is the same repeat offenders telling far too much of their affairs online. I have read the countless rambling in my newsfeed and have been less than amused. I have had my own personal setbacks and heartbreaks, but I didn't air my dirty laundry in hopes of pity. Life is more about what you do in spite of what happens to you. I almost wish Facebook would limit the amount of characters someone can use like Twitter.
Facebook is a great outlet for many things. Personal business is not one of them. If you are tempted to make self loathing or pitiful keystrokes on Facebook, please don't. Call a friend instead.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Cost To Be the Boss
Everything costs money. There's no getting around it. Whether the cost is high or low, something must be paid. Knowing this, why do people complain about the price of something that they, or worse, others might buy?
When I was in college, I went shopping with one of my friends before her birthday party was to start. I offered to buy her whatever caught her eye. She said she didn't want anything. I asked her a couple more times. She insisted she didn't want anything.
"I'm going to buy an outfit for your party," I said.
"OK," she replied.
I headed into a store. I bought a t-shirt, a denim skirt, and a pair of pretty metallic flip flops. It totaled a little less than $95. I have been of the opinion that you should spend your money how you want. I work hard and see no problem with spoiling myself occasionally. Besides, I was willing to do the same for her and she said no.
"I can't believe you're going to spend that much on those things!" she exclaimed.
"What's the big deal?" I asked.
"That is way too much to spend on clothes for tonight."
"It's for your party," I reminded her.
"You didn't even get me anything."
This boiled me. She had told me no over and over again. Now all of a sudden her tune was changing.
"Kendra, I just got through asking you if you wanted something," I fumed.
"I don't want anything, but that is still expensive."
"It's my money," I said firmly as we headed to the cash register.
I have always felt that as long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else, you should be able to spend your money in any fashion you want. To me, I was just shopping. I don't always spend that much, but it was mine to spend. I thought she'd drop it once we left the mall. I was wrong. She made it a point to tell our other friends at the party how much my outfit cost and that I didn't get her anything. I ignored it and made the best of the night. Even when I worked at Neiman's, people would see something they liked, look at the price, complain, and then promptly leave. If you don't want to pay a price for something, don't.
Everyone's budget is different. Whether you are Rockefeller rich or just treating yourself, money is meant to be enjoyed. You shouldn't feel bad about the occasional indulgence especially when you are willing to share. Spend thoughtfully but quietly also.
When I was in college, I went shopping with one of my friends before her birthday party was to start. I offered to buy her whatever caught her eye. She said she didn't want anything. I asked her a couple more times. She insisted she didn't want anything.
"I'm going to buy an outfit for your party," I said.
"OK," she replied.
I headed into a store. I bought a t-shirt, a denim skirt, and a pair of pretty metallic flip flops. It totaled a little less than $95. I have been of the opinion that you should spend your money how you want. I work hard and see no problem with spoiling myself occasionally. Besides, I was willing to do the same for her and she said no.
"I can't believe you're going to spend that much on those things!" she exclaimed.
"What's the big deal?" I asked.
"That is way too much to spend on clothes for tonight."
"It's for your party," I reminded her.
"You didn't even get me anything."
This boiled me. She had told me no over and over again. Now all of a sudden her tune was changing.
"Kendra, I just got through asking you if you wanted something," I fumed.
"I don't want anything, but that is still expensive."
"It's my money," I said firmly as we headed to the cash register.
I have always felt that as long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else, you should be able to spend your money in any fashion you want. To me, I was just shopping. I don't always spend that much, but it was mine to spend. I thought she'd drop it once we left the mall. I was wrong. She made it a point to tell our other friends at the party how much my outfit cost and that I didn't get her anything. I ignored it and made the best of the night. Even when I worked at Neiman's, people would see something they liked, look at the price, complain, and then promptly leave. If you don't want to pay a price for something, don't.
Everyone's budget is different. Whether you are Rockefeller rich or just treating yourself, money is meant to be enjoyed. You shouldn't feel bad about the occasional indulgence especially when you are willing to share. Spend thoughtfully but quietly also.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Race For the Ring
I can think of few women who don't dream of wedded bliss at some point in their adult lives. Some young women make it a mission to get married. Which makes me ask the question: When did it become acceptable to pressure a man to marry you?
When I was in college, I had a sorority sister who really wanted to get married. She was around twenty three years old as the time and felt that she should be at least engaged. This internal push to get married led her to procure a ring by rather unorthodox tactics. We would sometimes have mixers with her boyfriend's fraternity and he would call to talk our social chair. On one occasion, she asked our chair to ask him if he was going to propose around Christmas. Another example of her marital campaigning was that she would get on her boyfriend's computer and create her dream wedding ring on the De Beers website. She would let his screen saver appear so that when he touched his computer it would be the first thing he saw. Keep in mind that she was smart, beautiful, and accomplished. Her antics left me scratching my then nineteen year old head. I couldn't make sense of why she was acting so desperate. They eventually broke up and adding insult to injury, he took the money he was going to use for the ring to buy a sports car. My sorority sister got the last laugh: He ended up crashing the car.
At the age of twenty-nine, I have no intention of getting married or engaged. For those who are either, I'm happy for them. To find someone to spend the rest of your life with is a great thing. As for me, I'm simply not ready. I'm fine with being in a relationship, but anything more binding is too much for me. Personally, I was would like to start considering marriage at thirty-five. What's the rush?
Marriage is a beautiful thing. It's two people committing themselves to one another for the rest their lives. This should not be a rushed process, but not necessarily taken at a snail's pace. A decision such as this one requires thought, not a stopwatch.
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| The bride |
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| One Ring to Rule Them All |
At the age of twenty-nine, I have no intention of getting married or engaged. For those who are either, I'm happy for them. To find someone to spend the rest of your life with is a great thing. As for me, I'm simply not ready. I'm fine with being in a relationship, but anything more binding is too much for me. Personally, I was would like to start considering marriage at thirty-five. What's the rush?
Marriage is a beautiful thing. It's two people committing themselves to one another for the rest their lives. This should not be a rushed process, but not necessarily taken at a snail's pace. A decision such as this one requires thought, not a stopwatch.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
All Together Now
Family vacations can create both joy and lasting memories. They also can be strained and sometimes frustrating when people are too close in proximity.
My friend, Liza and her husband, Declan, often go with their children to visit Declan's father and step-mother in Annapolis, MD. The kids love being there and Declan and Liza have ball also. Their vacations would almost be picturesque if it weren't for Declan's step-mother's younger sister, Christine. She is snippy and always makes snide remarks about Liza's parenting. This would almost be tolerable if it weren't for Christine's own style of mothering. Christine's daughter, Ana, is seven years old and, has her own ipad and anything else she wants. In addition, Christina just got married to the man she'd been having an affair with from her office. She's only been divorced a few years. His two sons spend every other week with Christina, Ana, and their father.
As if this weren't enough to contend with, Christina lives about five minutes away from Declan's father. Whenever Liza and her family come from Michigan, Christina is there too. Even family vacations that are meant for just the children to bond with their grandfather aren't safe from intrusion. She and her daughter constantly show up. Christine's daughter, Ana, is spoiled and often never wants to what everyone else is doing. She goes out of her way to be disagreeable until "special" allowances are made for her. Declan's step-mother, Renata, doesn't make the arrangement any easier. She acts as though she and Christina can't be separated. She also caters to Christina and her family even though Liza's family is there from out of state. Even Liza's children have subtly expressed wanting to spend time with their grandfather and step-grandmother without Ana. Also, whenever Liza's daughter receives a gift, Ana immediately wants the same thing. She, of course, is given what she wants. This past Christmas, Declan's father, Mark, came to Michigan with Renata to visit. Liza told me that Renata wasn't in the house an hour and she and Christine were having face time on their iphones. The only reason that they didn't have their usual daily calls is because Christina was in England visiting her new husband's family. It's an odd arrangement.
The family dynamic can be wonderful. With it, however, should come respect. Respect of boundaries, courteous conduct, and respectful speech are the cornerstones of any family vacation. This doesn't always happen and that is what causes problems.
My friend, Liza and her husband, Declan, often go with their children to visit Declan's father and step-mother in Annapolis, MD. The kids love being there and Declan and Liza have ball also. Their vacations would almost be picturesque if it weren't for Declan's step-mother's younger sister, Christine. She is snippy and always makes snide remarks about Liza's parenting. This would almost be tolerable if it weren't for Christine's own style of mothering. Christine's daughter, Ana, is seven years old and, has her own ipad and anything else she wants. In addition, Christina just got married to the man she'd been having an affair with from her office. She's only been divorced a few years. His two sons spend every other week with Christina, Ana, and their father.
As if this weren't enough to contend with, Christina lives about five minutes away from Declan's father. Whenever Liza and her family come from Michigan, Christina is there too. Even family vacations that are meant for just the children to bond with their grandfather aren't safe from intrusion. She and her daughter constantly show up. Christine's daughter, Ana, is spoiled and often never wants to what everyone else is doing. She goes out of her way to be disagreeable until "special" allowances are made for her. Declan's step-mother, Renata, doesn't make the arrangement any easier. She acts as though she and Christina can't be separated. She also caters to Christina and her family even though Liza's family is there from out of state. Even Liza's children have subtly expressed wanting to spend time with their grandfather and step-grandmother without Ana. Also, whenever Liza's daughter receives a gift, Ana immediately wants the same thing. She, of course, is given what she wants. This past Christmas, Declan's father, Mark, came to Michigan with Renata to visit. Liza told me that Renata wasn't in the house an hour and she and Christine were having face time on their iphones. The only reason that they didn't have their usual daily calls is because Christina was in England visiting her new husband's family. It's an odd arrangement.
The family dynamic can be wonderful. With it, however, should come respect. Respect of boundaries, courteous conduct, and respectful speech are the cornerstones of any family vacation. This doesn't always happen and that is what causes problems.
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| The pioneers of bad family vacations
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Thursday, July 11, 2013
Taking Care of Business
Some people are meant to work for others while others are meant to work for themselves. Recently, I've decided to start my own side business. Let the journey begin.
In February of this year I did freelance work for a friend's company. I'll save you the epic tale and skip to the end: I quit and focused on my day job. One day while I was sitting at my desk, I thought to myself, "Why am I not doing this? I know how. What is stopping me?" Step by step, I've been turning in forms, writing my business plan and even meeting with prospective clients. It has been an experience. I still have a day job, but my goal is to build up clientele and make this business my day and night job. Upon sharing this with a few people, I have received mixed reactions. Most people have been positive, but a few have been hesitant. I have been reminded that starting a business is a lot of "work" and I may not be up to it. My new motto has become "Keep calm and ignore the haters."
No matter what your passion is pursue it. Life is too short not to. Step by step you can do anything; it just takes a little planning.
In February of this year I did freelance work for a friend's company. I'll save you the epic tale and skip to the end: I quit and focused on my day job. One day while I was sitting at my desk, I thought to myself, "Why am I not doing this? I know how. What is stopping me?" Step by step, I've been turning in forms, writing my business plan and even meeting with prospective clients. It has been an experience. I still have a day job, but my goal is to build up clientele and make this business my day and night job. Upon sharing this with a few people, I have received mixed reactions. Most people have been positive, but a few have been hesitant. I have been reminded that starting a business is a lot of "work" and I may not be up to it. My new motto has become "Keep calm and ignore the haters."
No matter what your passion is pursue it. Life is too short not to. Step by step you can do anything; it just takes a little planning.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Primary Colors
My generation is known for being the limit testers and the ones who blur the lines. While this is true, there are some old notions that still linger.
I remember during college, my friends Talia, Christina, and I were hanging out. It was in the fall and unseasonably warm.
"There are no men around," Christina opined.
"What are you talking about? I see men everywhere," I said.
It was true; the downtown of my friend's city was bustling. I saw men at every turn. The closer we got to the nearby college, the more men we saw.
"I mean, for me. We all know you'll date anyone," she said.
I took offense. What did she mean "anyone"? I was pretty sure that I had standards.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked pointedly.
"You know, you don't date black guys," she said nonchalantly.
This floored me. In this day in age, I thought we were over that. I've always just liked guys. Their "paint jobs" weren't an issue. Obviously each person is attracted to different things, but I didn't think it was big deal. The more I talk to my friends; I find that this idea still hangs on. Some of my guy friends have told me outright that their parents would be upset if they brought someone home who was a different race.
I have always been of the belief that no matter what color a person is, they will either treat you right or not. Besides, an attractive person is attractive no matter what color they are. My maternal grandparents never cared who I dated as long as they treated me right. Given their own heritages they couldn't. My grandfather was of Seminole Native American and African American decent and my maternal grandmother is Bahamian and Irish. As a child I remember their friends being all different races. It was never discussed. People are people. My dating history has been diverse. I didn't do it to prove a point, it just happened. I find men attractive. I couldn't care less about ethnicity and I most certainly do have standards. I don't see the point in ruling out a potential significant other based on a lack or difference in melanin. Don't misunderstand me, I get that not everyone is attracted to people of other races. As long as that lack of attraction is not based on racist ideas and notions, I don't see a big deal.
No matter who you choose to date, the most important thing is that you care about that person. All other factors should be secondary. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters?
I remember during college, my friends Talia, Christina, and I were hanging out. It was in the fall and unseasonably warm.
"There are no men around," Christina opined.
"What are you talking about? I see men everywhere," I said.
It was true; the downtown of my friend's city was bustling. I saw men at every turn. The closer we got to the nearby college, the more men we saw.
"I mean, for me. We all know you'll date anyone," she said.
I took offense. What did she mean "anyone"? I was pretty sure that I had standards.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked pointedly.
"You know, you don't date black guys," she said nonchalantly.
This floored me. In this day in age, I thought we were over that. I've always just liked guys. Their "paint jobs" weren't an issue. Obviously each person is attracted to different things, but I didn't think it was big deal. The more I talk to my friends; I find that this idea still hangs on. Some of my guy friends have told me outright that their parents would be upset if they brought someone home who was a different race.
I have always been of the belief that no matter what color a person is, they will either treat you right or not. Besides, an attractive person is attractive no matter what color they are. My maternal grandparents never cared who I dated as long as they treated me right. Given their own heritages they couldn't. My grandfather was of Seminole Native American and African American decent and my maternal grandmother is Bahamian and Irish. As a child I remember their friends being all different races. It was never discussed. People are people. My dating history has been diverse. I didn't do it to prove a point, it just happened. I find men attractive. I couldn't care less about ethnicity and I most certainly do have standards. I don't see the point in ruling out a potential significant other based on a lack or difference in melanin. Don't misunderstand me, I get that not everyone is attracted to people of other races. As long as that lack of attraction is not based on racist ideas and notions, I don't see a big deal.
No matter who you choose to date, the most important thing is that you care about that person. All other factors should be secondary. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters?
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Kiss the Crown
Self esteem is an important part of personal growth. What happens when it spills over into entitlement?
Every day I am bombarded by images both in media and real life of people who feel that they are owed something. Self confidence and hubris are two different animals. Unfortunately, they are viewed the same. Gratitude is barely even a thought. I remember once when I worked at Victoria's Secret in college, a woman wanted to cut an entire line because she was "in a hurry". Fearing a riot and out of fairness, I told her no.
"I'm on my lunch break!" she yelled.
"I understand that," I reasoned. "I can't let you cut all of these people who have been waiting."
She fumed quietly. I could see the quiet look of triumph on the faces of the other women in the line. To this day, I still can't believe the nerve of that woman. No one enjoys waiting in a line, but you can't assume you get to cut because you feel your time is more important than everyone else's. This example pales in comparison to many I have seen.
I remember once when I was about five years old; there was a toy I wanted. When my grandfather declined to buy it, I replied, "Why? You can afford it?"
This was the worst mistake of my short, misguided five year old life.
My grandfather bent down to my height and tilted his glasses to the end of his nose.
"Let me tell you something," he started. "Pay attention because I won't say it again. Your grandmother and I have money. You have nothing except what we give you. No one owes you anything. If you want something in this life, you have to work for it."
At the time, I thought he was being mean. Now I am grateful for the favor that he did me. It is because of this I have a work ethic. I know that nothing will be handed to me. Most importantly, I know to be grateful.
Entitlement is an interesting thing. In all actuality, entitlement involves two people. The next time someone you know acts this way, ask yourself one question: "Who is entitling them to act this way?"
Every day I am bombarded by images both in media and real life of people who feel that they are owed something. Self confidence and hubris are two different animals. Unfortunately, they are viewed the same. Gratitude is barely even a thought. I remember once when I worked at Victoria's Secret in college, a woman wanted to cut an entire line because she was "in a hurry". Fearing a riot and out of fairness, I told her no.
"I'm on my lunch break!" she yelled.
"I understand that," I reasoned. "I can't let you cut all of these people who have been waiting."
She fumed quietly. I could see the quiet look of triumph on the faces of the other women in the line. To this day, I still can't believe the nerve of that woman. No one enjoys waiting in a line, but you can't assume you get to cut because you feel your time is more important than everyone else's. This example pales in comparison to many I have seen.
I remember once when I was about five years old; there was a toy I wanted. When my grandfather declined to buy it, I replied, "Why? You can afford it?"
This was the worst mistake of my short, misguided five year old life.
My grandfather bent down to my height and tilted his glasses to the end of his nose.
"Let me tell you something," he started. "Pay attention because I won't say it again. Your grandmother and I have money. You have nothing except what we give you. No one owes you anything. If you want something in this life, you have to work for it."
At the time, I thought he was being mean. Now I am grateful for the favor that he did me. It is because of this I have a work ethic. I know that nothing will be handed to me. Most importantly, I know to be grateful.
Entitlement is an interesting thing. In all actuality, entitlement involves two people. The next time someone you know acts this way, ask yourself one question: "Who is entitling them to act this way?"
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Withdrawal of Interest
The feeling of your crush being interested in you is exhilarating. The butterflies in your stomach and the stolen glances are fun, but what happens when it doesn't go any further despite effort on both sides?
Last year, as my relationship came to a close, a new possibility presented itself. A gentleman at my church seemed to be giving me "signals". He was nicer than he normally was. He went out of his way to speak or sit near me at coffee hour after church. I even noticed the occasional glance my way. He is very reserved but nice to talk to. Also, I'm a sucker for dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin. Not to mention a nice smile. After months of playing cat and mouse, at the suggestion of my male friends, I gave him my number under the guise of checking out my city's downtown art walk. He took my number and that was it. No really... that was it. I still saw him around church and except for a wave here or there, there was nothing to report. I decided then and there that I was done. It was not my job to wear a neon sign to get his attention.
Fast forward to about two months ago at my church's fish fry, things had apparently changed. As I took a seat at one of the tables in the hall he waved and, so I waved back. Before I knew it, he'd moved to my table and we'd began chatting, which was easier since I wasn't as nervous as I'd had been when I'd really liked him. This happened a few other times since. It's as though he knows that I am not as interested and now that interests him. Don't misunderstand me; I think he's a nice guy. I still find him quite attractive, but the moment has definitely passed.
Finding a mutual attraction with someone is great. Waiting excessively and playing mental chess isn't. Time waits for no man and a good woman shouldn't either. There is a time window, gentlemen. Tick tock.
Last year, as my relationship came to a close, a new possibility presented itself. A gentleman at my church seemed to be giving me "signals". He was nicer than he normally was. He went out of his way to speak or sit near me at coffee hour after church. I even noticed the occasional glance my way. He is very reserved but nice to talk to. Also, I'm a sucker for dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin. Not to mention a nice smile. After months of playing cat and mouse, at the suggestion of my male friends, I gave him my number under the guise of checking out my city's downtown art walk. He took my number and that was it. No really... that was it. I still saw him around church and except for a wave here or there, there was nothing to report. I decided then and there that I was done. It was not my job to wear a neon sign to get his attention.
Fast forward to about two months ago at my church's fish fry, things had apparently changed. As I took a seat at one of the tables in the hall he waved and, so I waved back. Before I knew it, he'd moved to my table and we'd began chatting, which was easier since I wasn't as nervous as I'd had been when I'd really liked him. This happened a few other times since. It's as though he knows that I am not as interested and now that interests him. Don't misunderstand me; I think he's a nice guy. I still find him quite attractive, but the moment has definitely passed.
Finding a mutual attraction with someone is great. Waiting excessively and playing mental chess isn't. Time waits for no man and a good woman shouldn't either. There is a time window, gentlemen. Tick tock.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Look At Me Now
High school can be a place of dreams or a daily battleground. It all depends on what side of the fence you are on. What happens when the school daze is over and your old classmates see the new you?
I wasn't a nerd per se in high school, but I was definitely not part of the in crowd. I didn't dress like Steve Urkel or look unattractive, but my grades were always high and I was always involved in extracurricular activities that revolved around academics. My classes were also accelerated. I had friends, but I wasn't popular by any means. Fast forward to my college and post graduate years. I have found that many of the guys that I thought were the cat's meow, who wouldn't look at me, can't stop looking now. When I see them I now I usually don't recognize them. When I do remember them, they lack the "sparkle" that they once had in high school or even a slight shine. They remember me and hit on me to prove it. I couldn't be less interested. This has a way of revealing the truth. Many of the guys I thought were so great have proven to be the opposite.
Many of the popular girls that I went to high school with got a big dose of reality after graduation. As I've gotten older and seen many of them I am much better off than them. I graduated college, have great friends, make my own living, I don't have children, and I am not in a loveless marriage/relationship. I would say that I've done pretty well for a "nerd".
When you're younger the grass always looks greener. The grass is greener where you water it. Time either tears you down or builds you up. For me it's caused me to improve as a person. Oddly enough, old classmates have taken notice. It's better to looked over than overlooked.
I wasn't a nerd per se in high school, but I was definitely not part of the in crowd. I didn't dress like Steve Urkel or look unattractive, but my grades were always high and I was always involved in extracurricular activities that revolved around academics. My classes were also accelerated. I had friends, but I wasn't popular by any means. Fast forward to my college and post graduate years. I have found that many of the guys that I thought were the cat's meow, who wouldn't look at me, can't stop looking now. When I see them I now I usually don't recognize them. When I do remember them, they lack the "sparkle" that they once had in high school or even a slight shine. They remember me and hit on me to prove it. I couldn't be less interested. This has a way of revealing the truth. Many of the guys I thought were so great have proven to be the opposite.
Many of the popular girls that I went to high school with got a big dose of reality after graduation. As I've gotten older and seen many of them I am much better off than them. I graduated college, have great friends, make my own living, I don't have children, and I am not in a loveless marriage/relationship. I would say that I've done pretty well for a "nerd".
When you're younger the grass always looks greener. The grass is greener where you water it. Time either tears you down or builds you up. For me it's caused me to improve as a person. Oddly enough, old classmates have taken notice. It's better to looked over than overlooked.
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My friends and I in 8th grade. I am the one in the center in zebra print. (I can't believe I wore that outfit either!)
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Sunday, June 9, 2013
Don't Pet the Peeve
We all have things that irritate, annoy, and get under our skin. Everyone's pet peeves are different, but present nonetheless.
I hate when people drag their feet. No, really. When they literally drag their feet when they walk and refuse to pick them up it makes me mad. It makes the most terrible noise. Who walks this way anyway?
Another pet peeve I have is when people go outside in their pajamas or are sloppily put together. Unless you are homeless, there is no excuse. It seems like this trend is the most present at Wal-mart for some reason. If you aren't ready to come outside and join the rest of society, stay home.
As some of you might have noticed from my previous entries, gossips and nosey people also rank on my list of annoyances. They love nothing better than to get to your personal business like cats in a basket of yarn and spread around what they think that they know. You aren't Wilson from Home Improvement. Keep your nose on your side of the fence.
Lastly, people who like being ignorant. Nothing makes them happier than being improper or to mispronounce words. One such example is when someone pronounces Italian as "Eye-talian". The country is I-taly not "Eye-taly".
At the end of the day pet peeves are unique as each person. All we can hope for is that people improve as a whole or that we can all grin and bear each other.
I hate when people drag their feet. No, really. When they literally drag their feet when they walk and refuse to pick them up it makes me mad. It makes the most terrible noise. Who walks this way anyway?
Another pet peeve I have is when people go outside in their pajamas or are sloppily put together. Unless you are homeless, there is no excuse. It seems like this trend is the most present at Wal-mart for some reason. If you aren't ready to come outside and join the rest of society, stay home.
As some of you might have noticed from my previous entries, gossips and nosey people also rank on my list of annoyances. They love nothing better than to get to your personal business like cats in a basket of yarn and spread around what they think that they know. You aren't Wilson from Home Improvement. Keep your nose on your side of the fence.
Lastly, people who like being ignorant. Nothing makes them happier than being improper or to mispronounce words. One such example is when someone pronounces Italian as "Eye-talian". The country is I-taly not "Eye-taly".
At the end of the day pet peeves are unique as each person. All we can hope for is that people improve as a whole or that we can all grin and bear each other.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
One Year Older, One Year Wiser
In less than a week I turn 29. I am both excited and reflective. I learned many lessons last year and am certain that I will learn more this year. I'd like to share a few of those lessons.
The first lesson that I learned is that sometimes when a man puts you on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship it isn't always good. Sometimes he only wants to put you up there to look up your skirt. Or worse show you off as a trophy. Neither of these things are good.
The next lesson is that quitting while you're ahead is not the same as quitting. For me this is twofold. This was applicable both professionally and personally. When the person that you are working with or in a romantic relationship isn't being supportive and is causing more mental anguish than anything positive, it's time to walk. You don't have anything to lose. You aren't going to gain anything by sticking around to see what new foolishness they will concoct.
Another lesson I learned is change is not only inevitable but can be wonderful. I made many changes this past year. I stopped drinking, lost weight, and ended a relationship. At this point, I can tell you I've never felt not only better but younger. I still hang out with my friends and do everything I ever wanted without being held back by a guy, excess weight, or one too many cocktails.
Last but not least, it is alright to be selfish sometimes. My first job is me. My happiness, my well being, and my self improvement are most important. Everything else should come after. Sometimes you get so caught up helping others that you neglect yourself and sometimes get used. Neither of these are good things. There's nothing wrong with helping others as long as it doesn't risk you losing or hurting yourself in the process.
As long as I'm alive I know I will constantly be learning. I'm happy to be getting older. Last year was a great year of transition. I have no doubt that this year will be wonderful, new lessons and all. I await and embrace the new lessons unafraid. Show me what you got, 29.
The first lesson that I learned is that sometimes when a man puts you on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship it isn't always good. Sometimes he only wants to put you up there to look up your skirt. Or worse show you off as a trophy. Neither of these things are good.
The next lesson is that quitting while you're ahead is not the same as quitting. For me this is twofold. This was applicable both professionally and personally. When the person that you are working with or in a romantic relationship isn't being supportive and is causing more mental anguish than anything positive, it's time to walk. You don't have anything to lose. You aren't going to gain anything by sticking around to see what new foolishness they will concoct.
Another lesson I learned is change is not only inevitable but can be wonderful. I made many changes this past year. I stopped drinking, lost weight, and ended a relationship. At this point, I can tell you I've never felt not only better but younger. I still hang out with my friends and do everything I ever wanted without being held back by a guy, excess weight, or one too many cocktails.
Last but not least, it is alright to be selfish sometimes. My first job is me. My happiness, my well being, and my self improvement are most important. Everything else should come after. Sometimes you get so caught up helping others that you neglect yourself and sometimes get used. Neither of these are good things. There's nothing wrong with helping others as long as it doesn't risk you losing or hurting yourself in the process.
As long as I'm alive I know I will constantly be learning. I'm happy to be getting older. Last year was a great year of transition. I have no doubt that this year will be wonderful, new lessons and all. I await and embrace the new lessons unafraid. Show me what you got, 29.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I Can't Miss You If You Won't Leave
Breakups are never easy. They're even harder when one person refuses to accept it. I have noticed, especially among younger people, a trend of bothering their ex until he or she recants and takes them back.
One of my guy friends experienced this. He and his ex broke up last fall. She called him frequently as well as texted him. He usually ignored them, but when he acknowledged her calls or texts he usually regretted it. She questioned him about his whereabouts as though they're still together. When this didn't work she tried to guilt him into hanging out with her. The sad thing is he has said he would've considered being friends with her if she would drop her crazy obsessive behavior. Sometimes she wouldn't speak to him at parties. Other times she would isolate him in a corner at a party asking him a barrage of questions. This kind of behavior is ridiculous. If a person doesn't want to be with you, all the guilt in the world won't make it happen. From my understanding it only makes the person whose affection you want back instantly repelled.
After a relationship I tried to move on from my ex. My mistake came in thinking that perhaps we could be friends. At first we were civil and then it became arduous. Whenever we would hang out he would mention us getting back together. When I declined I was met with my own torrent of questions. He made every social interaction far more awkward than it needed to be. He began to randomly show up to parties. He would even corner my friends and ask why I wouldn't get back with him. Finally, I had to end my civility and cut my losses.
Relationships are interesting things. They can give us unbridled bliss or crippling heartache. Either way, when a relationship ends the best you can hope for is closure. Closure does not entail crying and begging the person to take you back. Desperation has a smell and it isn't Chanel No# 5. No matter what part you play in the break up, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and move forward.
One of my guy friends experienced this. He and his ex broke up last fall. She called him frequently as well as texted him. He usually ignored them, but when he acknowledged her calls or texts he usually regretted it. She questioned him about his whereabouts as though they're still together. When this didn't work she tried to guilt him into hanging out with her. The sad thing is he has said he would've considered being friends with her if she would drop her crazy obsessive behavior. Sometimes she wouldn't speak to him at parties. Other times she would isolate him in a corner at a party asking him a barrage of questions. This kind of behavior is ridiculous. If a person doesn't want to be with you, all the guilt in the world won't make it happen. From my understanding it only makes the person whose affection you want back instantly repelled.
After a relationship I tried to move on from my ex. My mistake came in thinking that perhaps we could be friends. At first we were civil and then it became arduous. Whenever we would hang out he would mention us getting back together. When I declined I was met with my own torrent of questions. He made every social interaction far more awkward than it needed to be. He began to randomly show up to parties. He would even corner my friends and ask why I wouldn't get back with him. Finally, I had to end my civility and cut my losses.
Relationships are interesting things. They can give us unbridled bliss or crippling heartache. Either way, when a relationship ends the best you can hope for is closure. Closure does not entail crying and begging the person to take you back. Desperation has a smell and it isn't Chanel No# 5. No matter what part you play in the break up, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and move forward.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The A(cad)emy goes to...
What is it about the playboy type that keeps women off their A-game? You know the guys I'm talking about. They are charming and their words are smoother than silk. They're wolves in gentleman's clothing.
I have always believed that gentlemen still exist. Unfortunately, their number is in shorter supply. The cad is a breed of man unto himself. Even the most self assured woman becomes giddy like a schoolgirl around him and can't hide her insecurities. He dangles the promise of a relationship in front of each woman knowing full well it is never going to happen. I had a male friend in college who was quite the Casanova. He and his girlfriend broke up several times. Even while they were together, he'd go on "sprees". He is charming, attractive and comes from a good family. He never promised the other girls a relationship. Honestly, he let them assume whatever they wanted, which is worse than if he'd led them on. He and his girlfriend would always get back together and it would work... for a while. The second they had another fight, he was back to his old ways. Sometimes she knew and sometimes she didn't. I and his other friends always knew. I found myself shaking my head often. I find that I don't have the tolerance for games. If I get a whiff of game playing, I wave goodbye and tell them never to call again.
When I was younger (and a ton more naive), I was pursued by one such type of guy. We'd grown up together and our mothers were even friends. I'd had a crush on him since we were children. It was as though he always seemed to call or text when my boyfriend and I were on the outs. During one of my break ups, he texted me saying that I should give him a chance. I did. The first couple of days were blissful, then my calls were not returned and my texts unanswered. Girls had always chased him, so he figured I'd be no different. That was his mistake. I stopped bothering and I was done with him altogether. He called a month later asking why I'd stopped talking to him. I told him I wasn't going to chase him and he could play games with someone else. From time to time he still messages me on Facebook. I ignore him. I know what he's all about. I don't have time for it.
I have always believed that gentlemen still exist. Unfortunately, their number is in shorter supply. The cad is a breed of man unto himself. Even the most self assured woman becomes giddy like a schoolgirl around him and can't hide her insecurities. He dangles the promise of a relationship in front of each woman knowing full well it is never going to happen. I had a male friend in college who was quite the Casanova. He and his girlfriend broke up several times. Even while they were together, he'd go on "sprees". He is charming, attractive and comes from a good family. He never promised the other girls a relationship. Honestly, he let them assume whatever they wanted, which is worse than if he'd led them on. He and his girlfriend would always get back together and it would work... for a while. The second they had another fight, he was back to his old ways. Sometimes she knew and sometimes she didn't. I and his other friends always knew. I found myself shaking my head often. I find that I don't have the tolerance for games. If I get a whiff of game playing, I wave goodbye and tell them never to call again.
When I was younger (and a ton more naive), I was pursued by one such type of guy. We'd grown up together and our mothers were even friends. I'd had a crush on him since we were children. It was as though he always seemed to call or text when my boyfriend and I were on the outs. During one of my break ups, he texted me saying that I should give him a chance. I did. The first couple of days were blissful, then my calls were not returned and my texts unanswered. Girls had always chased him, so he figured I'd be no different. That was his mistake. I stopped bothering and I was done with him altogether. He called a month later asking why I'd stopped talking to him. I told him I wasn't going to chase him and he could play games with someone else. From time to time he still messages me on Facebook. I ignore him. I know what he's all about. I don't have time for it.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
The Tipping Point
There is nothing more fun than a dinner out with friends. A great restaurant with incredible service can be the perfect cap on a fun night. What happens when the service isn't great or worse yet people don't want to tip?
Some of you may remember an earlier blog recounting a bad dining experience on Super Bowl Sunday. The feedback I received asked why I tipped the waitress. I only tipped her ten percent and I realize that tips are how wait staff make their money. In high school and college, many of my friends were waiters and waitresses. I remember hearing them complain many days about them getting bad tips even after they had been ran ragged. So for me, the service has to be absolutely deplorable for me to leave nothing. That isn't to say that bad service should be rewarded. By all news have little to no tip and/or ask to speak to the manger. On the flipside, what about good service and someone in your group of friends not wanting to tip?
Once when I was out with friends and a few associates, the night was drawing to a close and everyone was paying their respective bills. One of my friend's associates decided not to tip. When asked why he wasn't leaving one, he responded that he didn't have the money to eat and tip. I beg to differ. When you go out to eat you should also be factoring in the tip.
Having someone wait on you is nice when you want to relax. With that being said, the bill and tip is the cost for this lack of responsibility. If you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip. If not, you shouldn't be going out. At the same token, if the service is bad, deal with it accordingly.
Some of you may remember an earlier blog recounting a bad dining experience on Super Bowl Sunday. The feedback I received asked why I tipped the waitress. I only tipped her ten percent and I realize that tips are how wait staff make their money. In high school and college, many of my friends were waiters and waitresses. I remember hearing them complain many days about them getting bad tips even after they had been ran ragged. So for me, the service has to be absolutely deplorable for me to leave nothing. That isn't to say that bad service should be rewarded. By all news have little to no tip and/or ask to speak to the manger. On the flipside, what about good service and someone in your group of friends not wanting to tip?
Once when I was out with friends and a few associates, the night was drawing to a close and everyone was paying their respective bills. One of my friend's associates decided not to tip. When asked why he wasn't leaving one, he responded that he didn't have the money to eat and tip. I beg to differ. When you go out to eat you should also be factoring in the tip.
Having someone wait on you is nice when you want to relax. With that being said, the bill and tip is the cost for this lack of responsibility. If you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip. If not, you shouldn't be going out. At the same token, if the service is bad, deal with it accordingly.
Monday, May 6, 2013
No Passengers On Board
I like children. Their laughs are infectious and they aren't jaded by society yet. However, I have decided that I don't want any of my own. Yet as a woman, if you say this, you are judged as though it isn't your choice.
I have always known that I never wanted children. I like my friend's children, but it is something that I never want to embark on. There were times when I thought about it and even considered it, but upon further thought I knew it was not what I wanted. When I was 12, I remember reading an article about DINKS (Dual Income No Kids), and thinking it was a great idea. The idea of being with my husband taking trips and being active appealed to me even at such a young age. I like the idea of doing what I want and not having to say, "I have to find a sitter." Many of my friends have children. I play with their kids, spoil them, and enjoy my time with them. I don't push my viewpoint in the face of others. Whenever I am asked why I don't have children and I explain why, I am met with resistance and ire, as though it isn't my reproductive choice.
I find that when a woman says she doesn't want kids she is told that she will change her mind, or being told that the right man just has to come along. As though, Prince Charming coming along is a totally good reason to get pregnant even though I care not to be. My favorite is when I am told that because I am a woman I should want kids. I cannot tell you how infuriating that is. If a woman doesn't want kids, you aren't going to convince her by equating her to the sum of her parts. Having children is a choice. If you choose to, then by all means go forth and reproduce. If you decide that you do not want children you should not be brow beaten into it. Being a woman entails so much more than having a working uterus. Not wanting children also doesn't mean that you're bad with children because you don't want them. I am good with kids. I just don't have patience for the things that being a mother includes, especially childbirth. At 28, I know what I want. I shouldn't have to defend my choice. I have been blessed enough to have several women in my life who do not have children and have full lives.
Being a mother can be a wonderful thing, I'm told. It has to be something you want. If you decide that children are not for you, stick with your choice and remember that it is just that: a choice.
I have always known that I never wanted children. I like my friend's children, but it is something that I never want to embark on. There were times when I thought about it and even considered it, but upon further thought I knew it was not what I wanted. When I was 12, I remember reading an article about DINKS (Dual Income No Kids), and thinking it was a great idea. The idea of being with my husband taking trips and being active appealed to me even at such a young age. I like the idea of doing what I want and not having to say, "I have to find a sitter." Many of my friends have children. I play with their kids, spoil them, and enjoy my time with them. I don't push my viewpoint in the face of others. Whenever I am asked why I don't have children and I explain why, I am met with resistance and ire, as though it isn't my reproductive choice.
I find that when a woman says she doesn't want kids she is told that she will change her mind, or being told that the right man just has to come along. As though, Prince Charming coming along is a totally good reason to get pregnant even though I care not to be. My favorite is when I am told that because I am a woman I should want kids. I cannot tell you how infuriating that is. If a woman doesn't want kids, you aren't going to convince her by equating her to the sum of her parts. Having children is a choice. If you choose to, then by all means go forth and reproduce. If you decide that you do not want children you should not be brow beaten into it. Being a woman entails so much more than having a working uterus. Not wanting children also doesn't mean that you're bad with children because you don't want them. I am good with kids. I just don't have patience for the things that being a mother includes, especially childbirth. At 28, I know what I want. I shouldn't have to defend my choice. I have been blessed enough to have several women in my life who do not have children and have full lives.
Being a mother can be a wonderful thing, I'm told. It has to be something you want. If you decide that children are not for you, stick with your choice and remember that it is just that: a choice.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Misery Doesn't Love Company
Everyone complains about something, but when is it too much? Should you grin and bear it or just not be around it?
I have an associate who I was once very close to. Various things led to our lives going in opposite directions. I graduated college and began working full time, while she got married and had a son. Late last year, I ran into her at a mutual friend's birthday party. It was nice to see her again... at first. In the blink of an eye, she launched into how she hardly ever spent time with her husband or did anything fun anymore. I tried to show her the silver lining in every cloud she presented, but she kept shooting them full of holes. Throughout the night she complained about her marriage and social life. I tried not to let it pull down my mood. All I could think was, "If you're so unhappy, why would you get married?" Once some of her cocktails hit her system she seemed to perk up. We laughed and carried on with the party. As soon as someone mentioned going on a date or to a party, she started back up with the negativity. The one she used most of the night was, "I wish I could do that." Or, "I can't do that because I am married with a kid." By the time the party ended, I began to wonder why she'd even come out that night.
I began to reflect back to when she and I were closer. She always complained about any and everything. It wasn't normal crabbing, but a full on frontal assault of complaints that rendered you defenseless. Her complaints were sometimes launched at you at to make you feel guilty about whatever it was that she couldn't do. It suddenly hit me that while she'd matured as a wife and mother of young child, she was still the same. Since everyone at the party was unmarried and childless except her, we chose to ignore it or were involved in other conversations. Sadly, her dialogue was just like "old times" and not in a nostalgic way.
At the end of the night she tried to cement plans with other mutual friends and I for us to all hang out. I agreed, but it was the type of agreement that is made as one tries to escape. I don't have plans to listen to her complain for another evening. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle it without blowing a gasket. The moral of the story is: If people are celebrating, don't bring them down. If you think that you will, stay home until you can chase your blues away.
I have an associate who I was once very close to. Various things led to our lives going in opposite directions. I graduated college and began working full time, while she got married and had a son. Late last year, I ran into her at a mutual friend's birthday party. It was nice to see her again... at first. In the blink of an eye, she launched into how she hardly ever spent time with her husband or did anything fun anymore. I tried to show her the silver lining in every cloud she presented, but she kept shooting them full of holes. Throughout the night she complained about her marriage and social life. I tried not to let it pull down my mood. All I could think was, "If you're so unhappy, why would you get married?" Once some of her cocktails hit her system she seemed to perk up. We laughed and carried on with the party. As soon as someone mentioned going on a date or to a party, she started back up with the negativity. The one she used most of the night was, "I wish I could do that." Or, "I can't do that because I am married with a kid." By the time the party ended, I began to wonder why she'd even come out that night.
I began to reflect back to when she and I were closer. She always complained about any and everything. It wasn't normal crabbing, but a full on frontal assault of complaints that rendered you defenseless. Her complaints were sometimes launched at you at to make you feel guilty about whatever it was that she couldn't do. It suddenly hit me that while she'd matured as a wife and mother of young child, she was still the same. Since everyone at the party was unmarried and childless except her, we chose to ignore it or were involved in other conversations. Sadly, her dialogue was just like "old times" and not in a nostalgic way.
At the end of the night she tried to cement plans with other mutual friends and I for us to all hang out. I agreed, but it was the type of agreement that is made as one tries to escape. I don't have plans to listen to her complain for another evening. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle it without blowing a gasket. The moral of the story is: If people are celebrating, don't bring them down. If you think that you will, stay home until you can chase your blues away.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Text From an Ex
When a relationship ends, it is best if both parties move forward. What if one party reaches out for contact...even when the other does not want to be bothered?
One Sunday a few weeks ago, as I was getting ready for church, I received a text. I wasn't sure who it was from. The number was one that looked familiar, but I didn't recognize it. The text basically questioned why I hadn't wished the person happy birthday and that they guessed our relationship really was over. Suddenly, it hit me like a thunderbolt. It was my last ex-boyfriend, whose birthday was the night before. I was seething. We'd been broken up for five months at that point. How could he not understand that we were over? He had been so rude to me towards the end of the relationship that I was ready for it to be over, so for him to get selective amnesia because of his birthday seemed desperate and ridiculous. I chose to take the high road and text him back the following: "Don't ever text me again."
Too often people dip back into their past thinking that they can change it in the present. It's a nice thought, but not realistic. When the past comes knocking, you don't have to answer. Go forward unafraid and be ready for all that life has to offer. You deserve that.
One Sunday a few weeks ago, as I was getting ready for church, I received a text. I wasn't sure who it was from. The number was one that looked familiar, but I didn't recognize it. The text basically questioned why I hadn't wished the person happy birthday and that they guessed our relationship really was over. Suddenly, it hit me like a thunderbolt. It was my last ex-boyfriend, whose birthday was the night before. I was seething. We'd been broken up for five months at that point. How could he not understand that we were over? He had been so rude to me towards the end of the relationship that I was ready for it to be over, so for him to get selective amnesia because of his birthday seemed desperate and ridiculous. I chose to take the high road and text him back the following: "Don't ever text me again."
Too often people dip back into their past thinking that they can change it in the present. It's a nice thought, but not realistic. When the past comes knocking, you don't have to answer. Go forward unafraid and be ready for all that life has to offer. You deserve that.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Mother Knows Best?
When I was in college, I had a boyfriend who was close to his parents. This was a good thing...at first. It was only a matter of time before his relationship with his mother proved not to be such a good idea. When is the parental presence in a relationship too much?
The first part of our relationship was blissful. His parents were great people. His mother was warm and welcoming. She and I seemed to have quite a bit in common. The trouble started shortly before our relationship hit its one year mark. Suddenly she took issue with everything that I did. She criticized everything from the way I danced to our overall relationship. We even broke up briefly because of it. We got back together shortly after.
For a short period of time our relationship seemed to be back on track. Then the accusations started. She began to ask my boyfriend if he was giving me money because everytime she saw me I was dressed well. I was appalled, especially since I'd been loaning him money so that he wouldn't have to ask her. She even asked him what my credit was like. I was angry immediately. He didn't understand why I was upset. She was only getting started. His mother reared her ugly maternal head more times in our relationship.
When my boyfriend's sister, Rochelle, started dating her boyfriend, Kelsey, her first year of college, it was as though he and I were in constant competition. Kelsey went out of his way to impress my boyfriend's mother. One year he bought a Waterford crystal vase for her for Christmas. She called every one's attention to the gift that her "son in law" brought. I'd bought gifts for both she and her husband and my boyfriend's two sisters year after year. I got a curt "thank you" and that was the end of it.
A relationship is between two people. When additional people are added, disaster is bound to strike. My relationship with him ended because of other factors, but I don't think it would've been so tumultuous if his mother's nose wasn't constantly present in our affairs. It also would've helped if he wasn't telling his mother everything that happened in our relationship. If the parental presence is constantly a factor, your relationship is not going to go well. Most importantly if a potential significant other shows signs of being a mama's boy or a daddy's girl, I have one piece of advice: Run.
The first part of our relationship was blissful. His parents were great people. His mother was warm and welcoming. She and I seemed to have quite a bit in common. The trouble started shortly before our relationship hit its one year mark. Suddenly she took issue with everything that I did. She criticized everything from the way I danced to our overall relationship. We even broke up briefly because of it. We got back together shortly after.
For a short period of time our relationship seemed to be back on track. Then the accusations started. She began to ask my boyfriend if he was giving me money because everytime she saw me I was dressed well. I was appalled, especially since I'd been loaning him money so that he wouldn't have to ask her. She even asked him what my credit was like. I was angry immediately. He didn't understand why I was upset. She was only getting started. His mother reared her ugly maternal head more times in our relationship.
When my boyfriend's sister, Rochelle, started dating her boyfriend, Kelsey, her first year of college, it was as though he and I were in constant competition. Kelsey went out of his way to impress my boyfriend's mother. One year he bought a Waterford crystal vase for her for Christmas. She called every one's attention to the gift that her "son in law" brought. I'd bought gifts for both she and her husband and my boyfriend's two sisters year after year. I got a curt "thank you" and that was the end of it.
A relationship is between two people. When additional people are added, disaster is bound to strike. My relationship with him ended because of other factors, but I don't think it would've been so tumultuous if his mother's nose wasn't constantly present in our affairs. It also would've helped if he wasn't telling his mother everything that happened in our relationship. If the parental presence is constantly a factor, your relationship is not going to go well. Most importantly if a potential significant other shows signs of being a mama's boy or a daddy's girl, I have one piece of advice: Run.
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| The ultimate mama's boy-Norman Bates |
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Go Away Party
When someone leaves a job you usually miss their smile and their service. Sometimes a co worker can be so unpleasant that you actually look forward to them leaving. What do you do when they have a party celebrating their departure?
When I first got the job that I have now, I had an assistant manager that was an absolute terror. I was fresh out of college and needed training. In my interview she smiled and promised that I'd be trained. Once I was in my position, she became short and snippy. It got to the point that I preferred to make a mistake that to ask her a question. I was almost written up twice because of her. She would stand behind my chair silently like some sort of office ninja. She was always lurking around corners in hopes of seeing me do something.
As I got better at my job, she still didn't let up. Anytime I asked a question she was dismissive. Half the time she didn't know the answer to any questions I was asking. She would constantly refer me to our department manager. As karma would have it, her position was eliminated corporate wide. I don't wish unemployment on anyone in this economy. I just didn't want her working with me. Months later as her last day drew near, the information for her going away party circulated. I smirked to myself at this. There was no way I was going. She had made me miserable. Why would I pretend to like her? There is a difference between being civil and not being authentic. When my co-workers asked if I was attending the party, I told them I was going to my grandmother's 70th birthday party. (It was actually a few days later.) On her last day she tearfully hugged me. I resisted the urge to wince.
Office morale can be tough to maneuver, especially if a co worker is unpleasant. Be civil and professional. After work is your time. If you don't want to go to a going away party, don't. If you do choose to go, put on a happy face and think happy thoughts.
When I first got the job that I have now, I had an assistant manager that was an absolute terror. I was fresh out of college and needed training. In my interview she smiled and promised that I'd be trained. Once I was in my position, she became short and snippy. It got to the point that I preferred to make a mistake that to ask her a question. I was almost written up twice because of her. She would stand behind my chair silently like some sort of office ninja. She was always lurking around corners in hopes of seeing me do something.
As I got better at my job, she still didn't let up. Anytime I asked a question she was dismissive. Half the time she didn't know the answer to any questions I was asking. She would constantly refer me to our department manager. As karma would have it, her position was eliminated corporate wide. I don't wish unemployment on anyone in this economy. I just didn't want her working with me. Months later as her last day drew near, the information for her going away party circulated. I smirked to myself at this. There was no way I was going. She had made me miserable. Why would I pretend to like her? There is a difference between being civil and not being authentic. When my co-workers asked if I was attending the party, I told them I was going to my grandmother's 70th birthday party. (It was actually a few days later.) On her last day she tearfully hugged me. I resisted the urge to wince.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Flirting with Authority
It's nice to look at something pleasant once and a while. Sometimes that something is someone at the office. When it goes beyond that you are asking for trouble.
My friend Liza's mother works at a small financial firm, whose inner workings sound like a throwback to the old corporate days. They routinely have drinks on their office lunches. At one such lunch, Lindsay, the only college age employee, who you may remember from a previous blog about office party etiquette, drank a little too much...again. While everyone else stuck to a drink or two, she had four. She and Liza's mother carpooled with their boss. Lindsay began shamelessly hitting on him. She began saying to him how she liked older men and how age on a man is attractive. She did everything but wear a neon sign. Liza's mother was silently appalled. How couldn't she be? Their boss tried to ignore her behavior and change the subject. Once back at the office it was business as usual until Lindsay asked Liza's mom if drinking on a company lunch was a bad idea.
"One drink is usually adequate, but in your case, I'd say yes," Liza's mother replied.
I won't pretend that I've never had an attractive boss. I've only had one. It was my first job out of college. He wore glasses, had a Manhattan accent, and dressed suavely. Not to mention that fact that he played golf and we had the same taste in books. It also didn't hurt that his hair was salt and peppered. (I confess. I like silver foxes.) I wouldn't imagine getting drunk during a work lunch, let alone hitting on my boss. That is unprofessional. I kept my slight admiration quiet and most importantly to myself.
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| Mad Men's Roger Sterling |
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| Mad Men's Don Draper |
I won't pretend that I've never had an attractive boss. I've only had one. It was my first job out of college. He wore glasses, had a Manhattan accent, and dressed suavely. Not to mention that fact that he played golf and we had the same taste in books. It also didn't hurt that his hair was salt and peppered. (I confess. I like silver foxes.) I wouldn't imagine getting drunk during a work lunch, let alone hitting on my boss. That is unprofessional. I kept my slight admiration quiet and most importantly to myself.
President Fitzgerald Grant from Scandal
It's nice to have good aesthetics, especially when passing a slow work day. The important thing is to appreciate them quietly and most importantly sober. Coupling this appreciation with alcohol can have potentially dire consequences. There is a lot to be said for silent admiration.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Married With Children
This past Valentine's Day, a girlfriend and I got dressed up and had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants downtown. We are both single so we decided to hang out together. After dinner, my friend suggested we go to one of the bars further down the street from the restaurant. We went inside only to find that it was a little on the quiet side. Undeterred, we headed to another bar further downtown. This bar was livelier. There was a live band playing and all the women were handed roses once they took their seats. My friend and I laughed and joked. Even with us both being single, we had to admit that this was an amazing Valentine's Day.
One of all the bartenders, who I will call Kurt, was especially chatty with us.
"Where's your boyfriend at?" Kurt asked me.
"Wherever I left him," I laughed
Throughout the night he kept talking to me. He was attractive and pretty sharp. My friend was talking to another of the bar's regulars that she'd met before. Kurt and I talked about everything from handshake etiquette to weather. Two of my guy friends joined us at the bar and suggested we move to a table. My girlfriend opted to stay seated but I joined them at the table. Even as I moved through the crowded bar, Kurt's eyes followed me. My two friends and I decided to call it a night while my girlfriend stayed behind. We bid her farewell and headed out. About 10 minutes later. I received a text from my girlfriend saying that Kurt couldn't stop talking about me. Feeling daring, I told my girlfriend to give him my number. She did.
That following Sunday we talked on the phone and made plans for the following weekend. Even through my excitement something still seemed amiss. Call it women's intuition, but something wasn't quite right. The next Wednesday, after not hearing from him, I texted him just to say hello. He told me he was in class and would call me when he got out. He did call... two hours later.
When we talked on the phone I could feel a pit in my stomach form, but I didn't know why. As we confirmed plans, he kept sounding hesitant.
"We can hang out on Saturday, but there's something I have to tell you," he said. And then in the same breath, "What kind of movies do you like?"
"Anything, but horror." I said.
"OK, but I have to tell you something before we hang out this weekend."
All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.
"You're married," I said suddenly infuriated.
"Um, yeah."
"Why did you take my number!? What is wrong with you!? Are you kidding me!?"
After he recovered from my torrent of questions, he responded, "I don't know. I shouldn't have, but there was something about you."
"There is something about me, but you'll never find out because you're married! I want no part of this. Unbelievable!"
In case you wondered, I have no tolerance for married men who cheat.
"I know it seems bad, but I have two children, so I stay."
"Great! The plot thickens! You're married and you have children!"
"They're not real young. If I divorce my wife, I'll only get to see them on the weekends. I'd rather go through hell with her than not see them. I know it sounds like a bunch of lines..."
"Oh it is a bunch of lines. I'm not falling for them. Where's your wedding ring? You weren't wearing one."
"I don't wear mine."
"That's real nice. You don't wear your ring and take single women's numbers. Nice," I replied pointedly.
"I've never done this before."
"Yeah, right."
"If you still want to hang out on Saturday, we can. At least, I told you I was married."
That comment sent me through the roof. The unmitigated gall was too much for me. It's like he thought he was doing me a favor. Not so much.
"You telling me the truth was for your benefit. If you didn't tell me and I found out, that would've been bad for you. You don't have any idea of the fury you would have brought on yourself."
"Maybe, I can see you around the bar."
"Whatever," I said hanging up.
I take marriage seriously. If you marry someone you are theirs and vice versa. There shouldn't be any "side stepping". The fact that he had children made the situation more deplorable. It is one thing to notice an attractive person, but it is quite another to act on it. If you're going to take vows, you ought to honor them.
Even though this situation happened, I refuse to let it bitter me. There are great guys out there. You can't assume every person that you encounter is waiting to take advantage of you or be dishonest. At the same token, if something doesn't feel right with a person you are trying to get to know, it probably isn't.
One of all the bartenders, who I will call Kurt, was especially chatty with us.
"Where's your boyfriend at?" Kurt asked me.
"Wherever I left him," I laughed
Throughout the night he kept talking to me. He was attractive and pretty sharp. My friend was talking to another of the bar's regulars that she'd met before. Kurt and I talked about everything from handshake etiquette to weather. Two of my guy friends joined us at the bar and suggested we move to a table. My girlfriend opted to stay seated but I joined them at the table. Even as I moved through the crowded bar, Kurt's eyes followed me. My two friends and I decided to call it a night while my girlfriend stayed behind. We bid her farewell and headed out. About 10 minutes later. I received a text from my girlfriend saying that Kurt couldn't stop talking about me. Feeling daring, I told my girlfriend to give him my number. She did.
That following Sunday we talked on the phone and made plans for the following weekend. Even through my excitement something still seemed amiss. Call it women's intuition, but something wasn't quite right. The next Wednesday, after not hearing from him, I texted him just to say hello. He told me he was in class and would call me when he got out. He did call... two hours later.
When we talked on the phone I could feel a pit in my stomach form, but I didn't know why. As we confirmed plans, he kept sounding hesitant.
"We can hang out on Saturday, but there's something I have to tell you," he said. And then in the same breath, "What kind of movies do you like?"
"Anything, but horror." I said.
"OK, but I have to tell you something before we hang out this weekend."
All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.
"You're married," I said suddenly infuriated.
"Um, yeah."
"Why did you take my number!? What is wrong with you!? Are you kidding me!?"
After he recovered from my torrent of questions, he responded, "I don't know. I shouldn't have, but there was something about you."
"There is something about me, but you'll never find out because you're married! I want no part of this. Unbelievable!"
In case you wondered, I have no tolerance for married men who cheat.
"I know it seems bad, but I have two children, so I stay."
"Great! The plot thickens! You're married and you have children!"
"They're not real young. If I divorce my wife, I'll only get to see them on the weekends. I'd rather go through hell with her than not see them. I know it sounds like a bunch of lines..."
"Oh it is a bunch of lines. I'm not falling for them. Where's your wedding ring? You weren't wearing one."
"I don't wear mine."
"That's real nice. You don't wear your ring and take single women's numbers. Nice," I replied pointedly.
"I've never done this before."
"Yeah, right."
"If you still want to hang out on Saturday, we can. At least, I told you I was married."
That comment sent me through the roof. The unmitigated gall was too much for me. It's like he thought he was doing me a favor. Not so much.
"You telling me the truth was for your benefit. If you didn't tell me and I found out, that would've been bad for you. You don't have any idea of the fury you would have brought on yourself."
"Maybe, I can see you around the bar."
"Whatever," I said hanging up.
I take marriage seriously. If you marry someone you are theirs and vice versa. There shouldn't be any "side stepping". The fact that he had children made the situation more deplorable. It is one thing to notice an attractive person, but it is quite another to act on it. If you're going to take vows, you ought to honor them.
Even though this situation happened, I refuse to let it bitter me. There are great guys out there. You can't assume every person that you encounter is waiting to take advantage of you or be dishonest. At the same token, if something doesn't feel right with a person you are trying to get to know, it probably isn't.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
A House is Not a Home
A person's words can tell a lot about them. They can tell you where they are from, what they think, and in essence, who they are. In my recent experiences, a person's words have also betrayed who they depicted themselves to be.
There are certain words that when said tell on the speaker's background. In the book, Noblesse Oblige, edited by Nancy Mitford, words were broken down into "U words" and "Non U words", meaning upper class and non upper class words. While some of the words became extinct, some still apply. For example, house is considered upper class, while home is non upper class. I find that words do not tell only on the speaker's non u background so much as the actions coupled with the words. I was having lunch with an associate a few weeks before Christmas and I asked what her plans were. She informed me that she was going to a relative's "mansion" and having dinner. I almost stopped dead in my tracks. Who speaks that way? My first thought of her mentioning this "mansion" was that it was probably of the "Mc" variety not a real mansion with an established history. This type of language and behavior is all too common.
As I stated before, times have changed and with it the concept of u words and non u words. It is much more upper class to say you have a driver instead of a chauffeur. When a colleague mentions their recent car trouble, it's fine to tell them your car recently had engine trouble. You don't need to tell them the Mercedes needed a new head gasket. When someone complements your new handbag, you don't need to tell them that Gucci made it. It's a blue car, not a Bentley. Unfortunately, because conspicuous consumption not only runs rampant but is almost acceptable, the concept of class and taste seem to be antiques. One of my favorite quotes is: "Taste is restraint." Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. There is no reason to use boisterous language to draw attention to yourself though you possessions. In essence, the u words are much more subtle and understated than their non u counterpoints. With the words come the behaviors.
There is nothing wrong with having aspirations, but with them make sure you are authentic. Don't let your words and actions betray who you are.
There are certain words that when said tell on the speaker's background. In the book, Noblesse Oblige, edited by Nancy Mitford, words were broken down into "U words" and "Non U words", meaning upper class and non upper class words. While some of the words became extinct, some still apply. For example, house is considered upper class, while home is non upper class. I find that words do not tell only on the speaker's non u background so much as the actions coupled with the words. I was having lunch with an associate a few weeks before Christmas and I asked what her plans were. She informed me that she was going to a relative's "mansion" and having dinner. I almost stopped dead in my tracks. Who speaks that way? My first thought of her mentioning this "mansion" was that it was probably of the "Mc" variety not a real mansion with an established history. This type of language and behavior is all too common.
As I stated before, times have changed and with it the concept of u words and non u words. It is much more upper class to say you have a driver instead of a chauffeur. When a colleague mentions their recent car trouble, it's fine to tell them your car recently had engine trouble. You don't need to tell them the Mercedes needed a new head gasket. When someone complements your new handbag, you don't need to tell them that Gucci made it. It's a blue car, not a Bentley. Unfortunately, because conspicuous consumption not only runs rampant but is almost acceptable, the concept of class and taste seem to be antiques. One of my favorite quotes is: "Taste is restraint." Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. There is no reason to use boisterous language to draw attention to yourself though you possessions. In essence, the u words are much more subtle and understated than their non u counterpoints. With the words come the behaviors.
There is nothing wrong with having aspirations, but with them make sure you are authentic. Don't let your words and actions betray who you are.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
In Their Cups
I am a firm believer that if you can't control your alcohol, you shouldn't drink it. Everyone knows their tolerance, yet some people ignore it and party on. Your youth is the time to learn this. Some people never do no matter how old they are.
When I was in college, my ex- boyfriend's parents had a party to celebrate his father's birthday. Tons of family and friends showed up. Every soiree that they threw had good food and drinks a plenty. A fun time was never in short supply. As the endless supply of wine, beer, and liquor were poured the laughter grew louder and old stories surfaced. In the midst of the good times my ex-boyfriend's aunt, Kate, a retired teacher, would always have a little too loud and a little too free. On this occasion, she interrupted her brother's birthday speech, to give him a speech of her own. My boyfriend's dad looked on letting it slide. Everyone acted graciously even though there were whispers among the guests. As she set her glass down it shattered along with her drink all over his dad's bar. Did I mention the glass she broke was from a brand new set that his father had gotten that night? She was apologetic, but very drunk.
When I was in college, my ex- boyfriend's parents had a party to celebrate his father's birthday. Tons of family and friends showed up. Every soiree that they threw had good food and drinks a plenty. A fun time was never in short supply. As the endless supply of wine, beer, and liquor were poured the laughter grew louder and old stories surfaced. In the midst of the good times my ex-boyfriend's aunt, Kate, a retired teacher, would always have a little too loud and a little too free. On this occasion, she interrupted her brother's birthday speech, to give him a speech of her own. My boyfriend's dad looked on letting it slide. Everyone acted graciously even though there were whispers among the guests. As she set her glass down it shattered along with her drink all over his dad's bar. Did I mention the glass she broke was from a brand new set that his father had gotten that night? She was apologetic, but very drunk.
I can think of another time when I was at a favorite hangout spot downtown at a place that The Preppy Handbook would call a dive, but nonetheless fun. A couple in their late forties was knocking back the dirty martinis as though they were going to be outlawed. My friends and I continued as normal. In a blink of an eye this couple was all over each other like teenagers. It was going well until the gentlemen fell off his bar stool mid kiss. The lady helped him up and they left shortly thereafter.
I won't pretend that I've never had too much to drink and given a show or two. That would be a lie. There is a difference though between merriment and being sloppy drunk. I have experienced both. The latter is never fun. It just goes to show that there isn't an age limit on not knowing your limits.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Office Party Foul
Everybody loves to party. It doesn't matter if it is in a backyard or an office; parties are usually a good time. With each setting comes an unspoken set of rules. Most people follow them, but not everyone does.
My friend Liza told me the story of her mother's holiday office party from this past year to me recently and it got me wondering about party etiquette. Liza's mom works at a financial planning firm in a suburb outside of my town. One of her co-workers is a college student who lives up to most college student stereotypes. She not only dresses inappropriately, but she finds any excuse to come in late or pass off her responsibilities on others. However, her behavior at this past year's Christmas party took the cake.
Liza told me that not only was she wearing an absurdly short skirt; she committed the ultimate office party mistake: She got drunk out of her mind. Halfway through the party she was black out drunk. She began to hit on their very married boss. Apparently, this gentleman in unhappily married to a woman who spends his money and is away from their home for days on end partying. Knowing this, she used the information to her advantage, but forgot about her own boyfriend in the process.
Another party crime to add to her list was that she told personal information about herself. She went into how she'd had an abortion and how she and her boyfriend had kept it from their parents. Why she'd choose to disclose that is beyond me. Even sober you keep this sort of thing to yourself unless you're writing deathbed memoirs. Worst of all, the following Monday at work she remembered nothing. As I said earlier, she'd blacked out.
Navigating an office party can be fun but sometimes slippery terrain. Yes, the atmosphere is more relaxed, but you shouldn't forget that you have to see these people on Monday. Any faux pas you make can and will become water cooler fodder. By all means let yourself go a little. Just be sure that you can get yourself back.
My friend Liza told me the story of her mother's holiday office party from this past year to me recently and it got me wondering about party etiquette. Liza's mom works at a financial planning firm in a suburb outside of my town. One of her co-workers is a college student who lives up to most college student stereotypes. She not only dresses inappropriately, but she finds any excuse to come in late or pass off her responsibilities on others. However, her behavior at this past year's Christmas party took the cake.
Liza told me that not only was she wearing an absurdly short skirt; she committed the ultimate office party mistake: She got drunk out of her mind. Halfway through the party she was black out drunk. She began to hit on their very married boss. Apparently, this gentleman in unhappily married to a woman who spends his money and is away from their home for days on end partying. Knowing this, she used the information to her advantage, but forgot about her own boyfriend in the process.
Another party crime to add to her list was that she told personal information about herself. She went into how she'd had an abortion and how she and her boyfriend had kept it from their parents. Why she'd choose to disclose that is beyond me. Even sober you keep this sort of thing to yourself unless you're writing deathbed memoirs. Worst of all, the following Monday at work she remembered nothing. As I said earlier, she'd blacked out.
Navigating an office party can be fun but sometimes slippery terrain. Yes, the atmosphere is more relaxed, but you shouldn't forget that you have to see these people on Monday. Any faux pas you make can and will become water cooler fodder. By all means let yourself go a little. Just be sure that you can get yourself back.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Yield Not to Temptation
This year for Lent, I decided to give up desserts and shopping (I have a penchant for buying dresses unnecessarily). As you might have imagined, this has only increased my yearning for them. What is it about the forbidden that makes it so desirable?
When I was in college, one of my girlfriends began carrying on with one of the fiancés of one of my graduated sorority sisters. It started as a drunken mishap at a party. She'd had a crush on him from the time that she'd met him, especially after working with him on our school's student government. One day we were getting lunch and she brought up the party, as it had just happened the previous weekend.
"I think I drank too much at the party," she sighed.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah. I did something I probably shouldn't have."
I didn't know what else to say. Prying for information has never been my style.
"Yeah. You know Nicolette?"
"She's one of my sisters, but she was graduating the year I was initiated. So, I didn't see a lot of her."
"Do you know her fiancé?" she asked.
"I know of him," I wondered where she could be going with this line of questioning.
"I did some things I shouldn't have... with him."
I grew silent for a while. I didn't want her thinking that what she did was right, but I also didn't want her thinking I was about to get out my soap box. In addition, she did this with the soon to be husband of one of my sisters. I was in a very shaky place. Although, I must admit I was not happy that she'd carried on with an engaged man.
"He's engaged. Why would you do that?"
"Well, I've always liked him and he kissed me first."
"It doesn't matter. Don't let this situation escalate further. Nip it in the bud."
"It was a drunken mistake. It won't happen again."
As her friend, I took her word. Plus, she was 19. Who knows men, let alone the world, at 19? About a month and a half later on the way to the mall, she confessed that she's had another liaison with him.
"I won't condemn you, but I don't condone what you've done. This isn't a mistake anymore."
"Crystal, he's not happy. He's only marrying her because both they and their families have known each other for so long."
I confess, her logic got my back up a little.
"He's using you. If he is so unhappy, why did he propose?"
"He only did it because that is what is expected of him."
Her excuses only boiled me more.
"Then he needs to be a man and be honest with her."
There was no convincing her. I found out these encounters continued on and off up until the beginning of his marriage. They eventually stopped their affair, but it was the principle. He was older and knew how she felt and used it to his advantage. However, she is also at fault. She knowingly embarked on this affair with him and justified them with the same patchwork of excuses he'd given her.
No matter how temping something may appear, you have to look at the possible drawbacks. Some temptations are harder to resist than others. If you give in, you have to be ready for what comes with it. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where it is watered.
When I was in college, one of my girlfriends began carrying on with one of the fiancés of one of my graduated sorority sisters. It started as a drunken mishap at a party. She'd had a crush on him from the time that she'd met him, especially after working with him on our school's student government. One day we were getting lunch and she brought up the party, as it had just happened the previous weekend.
"I think I drank too much at the party," she sighed.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah. I did something I probably shouldn't have."
I didn't know what else to say. Prying for information has never been my style.
"Yeah. You know Nicolette?"
"She's one of my sisters, but she was graduating the year I was initiated. So, I didn't see a lot of her."
"Do you know her fiancé?" she asked.
"I know of him," I wondered where she could be going with this line of questioning.
"I did some things I shouldn't have... with him."
I grew silent for a while. I didn't want her thinking that what she did was right, but I also didn't want her thinking I was about to get out my soap box. In addition, she did this with the soon to be husband of one of my sisters. I was in a very shaky place. Although, I must admit I was not happy that she'd carried on with an engaged man.
"He's engaged. Why would you do that?"
"Well, I've always liked him and he kissed me first."
"It doesn't matter. Don't let this situation escalate further. Nip it in the bud."
"It was a drunken mistake. It won't happen again."
As her friend, I took her word. Plus, she was 19. Who knows men, let alone the world, at 19? About a month and a half later on the way to the mall, she confessed that she's had another liaison with him.
"I won't condemn you, but I don't condone what you've done. This isn't a mistake anymore."
"Crystal, he's not happy. He's only marrying her because both they and their families have known each other for so long."
I confess, her logic got my back up a little.
"He's using you. If he is so unhappy, why did he propose?"
"He only did it because that is what is expected of him."
Her excuses only boiled me more.
"Then he needs to be a man and be honest with her."
There was no convincing her. I found out these encounters continued on and off up until the beginning of his marriage. They eventually stopped their affair, but it was the principle. He was older and knew how she felt and used it to his advantage. However, she is also at fault. She knowingly embarked on this affair with him and justified them with the same patchwork of excuses he'd given her.
No matter how temping something may appear, you have to look at the possible drawbacks. Some temptations are harder to resist than others. If you give in, you have to be ready for what comes with it. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where it is watered.
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