The Best Policy

 

     From the time we’re children, we’re taught that we should always be honest. As we grow older, the waters get murky. We lie to get jobs, we lie to gain popularity among our peers, and we even lie in relationships.  Is the truth really something we want?

     As a little girl, I was taught to always be honest.  Having been raised by Baptist minister grandfather, I knew since infancy that honesty was important to character. However, my honesty often got me in trouble when I was a kid.

     I am reminded of an incident that happened in kindergarten that landed me in the “unhappy corner”. At show and tell a little girl was waxing poetic about becoming a big sister after the stork visited her house. I knew this was untrue. Months earlier my grandfather had told me the truth. My grandmother was too embarrassed to tackle my curiosity as to how “people were made.” Luckily, my grandfather was not so easily shocked.

     “What, Crystal?” my teacher sighed as my hand shot in the air.

     “That’s not true!” I shouted.

     “Yes, it is,” the girl protested.

     “No, it’s not,” I countered.

    

     “Storks don’t deliver babies. Your parents had sex,” I said confidently.

     My teacher was in shock. Seconds passed in absolute silence, which is amazing in a kindergarten class.

    “Crystal Demps! To the Unhappy Corner!” my teacher shouted.

     “But I told the truth!” I shouted as my teacher forcefully escorted me to the stool in the corner.

    I sat in the corner fuming.  It felt like I was facing the wall for hours. Eventually, my teacher came in to talk to me as the other children played outside during recess.

  

      

     “Crystal, face forward,” my teacher ordered.

     I turned around slowly. My time in the corner had changed me. I was insolent and flippant.

     “Do you know why you’re in the corner?”

     “Because I should’ve lied,” I said sharply.

     “No. You should always tell the truth.”

     “Then why are you punishing me?”

     “Natalie’s going to go home and ask her parents questions that they’re not ready for.”

     “She can come over my house. My grandpa will answer anything,” I said proudly.

    “That isn’t the point.”

    “I’m in trouble for telling the truth?” I asked.

     “No.”

     “Can I go play?”

     “No. I think it’s best you stay in here for the rest of recess.”

     “I told the truth,” I reasoned.

     My teacher gave me one last look and headed back outside to the other children. In that moment I learned the real truth: People don’t want to hear honesty. Especially, out of a kindergartner.

     As an adult, I’m still honest. I’ve learned that some situations warrant silence instead of the truth. Honesty is not something everyone can handle. Ignorance is easier to digest for some people, and that the honest truth.

 

Stay Out of the Shade

     Less than subtle insults have been around since the dawn of man. Even the nicest people are subject to them without fair warning. When faced with such rudeness, you have a decision to make. Should you stand in the sun or throw a little “shade” of your own to the offending party?

     I’m reminded of an incident in college when someone attempted to block out my sunshine. I was with my friend, Miguel and we were heading to our college’s courtyard to meet up with some mutual acquaintances. It was a gorgeous day that begged to be enjoyed. As Miguel and I spoke to our friends, I noticed an unfamiliar face. Sensing this, my friend, Julian decided to make an introduction.

     “Crystal,” Julian said. “This is Nina.”

     “Hi, Nina. I’m…”

     “Demps,” she interrupted. “I’ve heard of you.”

     The stage was set and we were merely players. I couldn’t pick this girl out of a line up and she was pitching me attitude? Game on.

     “I like your sunglasses, “she said.

     “Thank you, “I said thinking the situation was perking up.

     “My sunglasses are knockoffs too, but they’re cute.” She said with a grin.

     Miguel shot me a look. He’s been my friend long enough to know this wasn’t going to end well.

     “Mine aren’t fake. I got them from Neiman’s,” I said.

     “What’s Neiman’s?” she asked puzzled.

     “Exactly,” I said narrowing my gaze.

     “Okay,” Miguel said sensing imminent trouble. “Julian, we’re gonna get going. I’m starving and Demps could use some water to cool off.”

     I confess, I’ve always been good with one liners and quips. It’s genetic. Wit is a requirement on my mother’s side of the family.

     “I thought you were going to scratch her eyes out,” Miguel said as we headed to the car.

     “She started it. Besides I wouldn’t ruin my polish on her.”

     Insults are sometimes unavoidable. No matter how blatant or subtle, they’re still insults. How you react is completely up to you

 

 

Beware of the Leapfrog

On the weekends there is nothing better than having plans. It breaks up the monotony of the work week. What happens when you get an invite only to find it’s for someone else?

One Friday evening, I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and acquaintances. One associate and I started to talk. As we chatted, we made plans to hang out the next day.  I had some appointments in the morning and afternoon but promised to make contact after that.

The next day as promised, I texted to see what was up. As it turned out she was free. Then something curious happened. She asked if a mutual friend was available.  At the time I thought nothing of it. When I mentioned that he was already at an engagement, she said she’d check around to see if anything else was going on. As you might have already guessed, that call/text never came. If she wanted to hang out with the other friend, why not invite them instead?  Why “leap” over someone?

The lesson I learned is that when plans are being formed, make sure they won’t fall through. I also learned to make sure the person actually wants to have plans with you. If you’re just a “place holder”, don’t waste your time. Time is a precious thing; don’t waste it on invites you weren’t meant for.

Failing My Way to Success

     As the New Year gets underway, everyone is trying to improve themselves into perfection. I am all for improvement, but it seems like my imperfections have given me my greatest successes. Is perfection all that it’s cracked up to be?

     I am a perfectionist.  I like everything and everyone to be punctual, to run smoothly, and to be presentable. The older I get, the more I realize this isn’t how life works. Accidents happen and people run late. It’s how you deal with setbacks that make all the difference. Last year, quite a few things didn’t go as planned. I lost clients from my business for various reasons. I even had a relationship that only lasted a month and a half. I remember being disappointed by both. I began to wonder if I was good at PR. I started to think maybe rushing into a relationship was born out of me wanting to share my successes with. My life was far from perfect. Despite these things, I forged ahead, praying the sun was shining over the horizon.

     Out of those two “failures”, two of the most amazing things happened. Despite the loss of some of my clients, I landed a client, who after winning both the primary and general elections, is now a state representative.  The fleeting romantic relationship taught me to take my time. I also learned that quitting while you’re ahead isn’t the same as quitting. He was overly combative and felt that a romantic partnership was really a dictatorship, where he was the leader. Even though the relationship was brief, I had nothing to feel bad about. I recognized the iceberg about to hit the boat and I saved myself. I like my mistakes to be short lived.

Though life may not be perfect and full of “failures”, our successes usually come from these experiences. As imperfect creatures, expecting perfection 100% of the time is a futile cause. Strive for perfection, but remember that maybe failure is meant to teach a lesson that will lead to success.

Turn(ed) Down for What?

     No one likes rejection. Sometimes you’re just not feeling someone’s vibe. You aren’t trying to be mean, but you just don’t mesh. Can you ever reject someone politely? 

     As I’ve gotten older, I have had to reject the advances of quite a few guys. I’m no Naomi Campbell, but I am much more attractive at 30 than I ever was as a teenager. I, myself was not always aesthetically pleasing, so I try to let men down gently when I’m not attracted to them. As you may have guessed, my polite vetoes are not always well received. Some guys get quite upset and downright rude, while others simply move forward.

     One night, when Liza and I decided to blow off some steam and go dancing, I was faced with this dilemma head on. I was approached by a guy who wasn’t quite my speed. We had just sat back down after dancing when a guy walked over and approached me. He had been with a large party about 10 ft. away. I’d spied one of the other guys at the table looking at me earlier, but I didn’t think anything of it.

     “Hey, how are you doing tonight?” the guy said standing in front of me.

    “Good,” I said inhaling the strong odor of PBR off his breath involuntarily.

     “I saw you on the dance floor,” he said.

     “Oh?”

     I noticed his friend who’d been looking at me, now burning a hole through me. His friend was more my speed. He also wasn’t in my face yammering about a boat show while reeking of cheap beer.

     “Is that your friend over there?” I asked interrupting the torrent of words.

     “Yeah, that’s Chris.”

     “Is he single too?”

     “Yes, he is.”

     “Could you tell him to come over here?” I asked.

     I confess, it sounded more polite in my head. Liza shot me a look of disbelief upon hearing my question. Only then did my words hit me.

     When negating someone’s advances, the best thing is to be polite but firm. How they take it is something that you have no control over. The important thing is that you remember how much moxie it takes to approach someone. Be considerate of that.

 

The Crying Game

     Crying is a natural part of the human experience. Everyone from infants to the elderly shed tears. However, crying is often used as a tool. The question remains, when is it ok to cry?

     I’m not a big proponent of crying. In fact, the older I get, the more uncomfortable crying makes me. Tears of joy or at a funeral are one thing, but just crying for the sake of crying is odd to me. My strained relationship with tears started when I was about 8 years old. One of my mother’s friends, “Aunt” Melba, was a habitual tear jerker. After one too many drinks, she would start to reminisce about her past divorces and failed relationships. My natural instinct as a child was to attempt to comfort her. This was a bad idea. She would sob uncontrollably, which made me panicked and scared. The whole thing was rather jarring. To this day, I have no patience for people who get drunk and start crying.

     Having just recently left my twenties, I’ve seen improperly used tears galore. I’ve seen crying fits over relationships shorter than Kim Kardashian’s previous marriage. Countless times I’ve witnessed tears used as a weapon of guilt to keep someone in a relationship they are desperately trying to leave. I can’t lie; I’ve had tears used on me. (Yes, men do it too.) I try to avoid crying. It isn’t that I’m too strong to cry. It’s that my life has no place for useless tears, dwelling on the past or pointless causes in it. Do I cry? Yes. Will you ever see it? Probably not. Unless I win the lottery, we’re at the same funeral, or I am at my wit’s end, you won’t have a front row seat to my tears.

      I especially don’t cry over men. I’ve only cried over two men in my life. When my first boyfriend and I broke up my freshman year of college, I cried.  The next and last time was over a boyfriend who had also been my best friend for much of my college career. He and I had even talked about getting engaged. When he and I broke up, I cried so much my eyes were swollen and red for days. It got the point that my eyes wouldn’t produce tears. I tried to cry to get the feeling left over out of my body. No such luck. I just had to deal with it. Even then, I never did it in public and my family never knew what was going on. In all honesty, few people knew what was going on. I promised myself after that relationship, to never cry over a man as long as I lived. I’ve kept my promise. When my relationships end, I move forward. My wounds don’t weaken me; they make me stronger.

     There’s no shame in crying. If we weren’t meant to cry, we wouldn’t be born with tear ducts. That being said, there is a way to go about it. As Joan from Mad Men once told a colleague crying in the break room, “There’s a place to do that – like your apartment.”

What Can Brown Do for You?

     We all know a well-placed compliment can work wonders. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Flattery will get you everywhere.” How true is that statement? When does it go from flattery to insincere words?

     At my job, corporate visits bring out the best and worst in people. The whole office hurries about like a woman preparing for a first date. People are never as productive during a work day as they are the day of a corporate visit.  Everyone is in tip top shape. No sooner do high level executives hit our door, do false compliments begin to flow like water out of the mouths of employees and managers alike. Part of me always wonders if these compliments are ever taken seriously. The compliments are anything from their appearance to how eloquent they speak. Some of these compliments are accurate, while others couldn’t be further from the truth.

     Flattery makes you feel good. There isn’t a person on Earth that doesn’t like a little honey on their ears. There is a limit to how far you can go. At some point it will become untrue. A compliment should be unique just like the person it is intended for.

     A compliment is a wonderful thing. It can add perk to a dreary day. A false compliment may slip by the first few times, but after a while it is chalked up to shameless brown nosing. False compliments are a waste of the speaker’s air and the listener’s time.