Hi's and Lows

     Saying hello can start a relationship or continue a friendship. What happens when you accidently speak to someone you don’t like?

     Last summer, I’d decided to sleep in on a Sunday after being utterly exhausted from the work week. When I awoke, I decided to take a long run I’d been putting off. I ran for three hours. I could feel my stress from the previous week melt away as the sun warmed me. The slow breeze lightly blowing against my face cooled me as I sweat. In a word, it was perfect. It was just the music from my iPod, the sidewalk and me. I felt amazing.

     Shortly after my run, I saw a woman and a man jogging with a stroller. I moved over on the sidewalk to let them through.

     “Hey! How are you?” the woman replied.

     “Good. How are you?” I said as the woman whizzed past.

     Seconds later, I realized it was Jocelyn, her husband and her child in the stroller. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be civil, but it’s annoying when you accidentally greet someone who grates your nerves. Unfortunately, I find myself in this situation all the time.

     When speaking, you should always consider the audience. Especially when that audience is someone you don’t want to engage. This keeps you from giving a greeting that you ultimately wished you kept.

One Isn't the Loneliest Number

     When most people think of being single, they think of being alone. They imagine someone aimlessly wandering until they find their missing piece. Is it possible to be single and not lonely?

     About four months ago, I stumbled across an article that stated that most single people didn’t experience being single correctly. I was instantly skeptical. I gave this article the biggest side eye I could manage.

     “How dare these words on a page pretend to know my newly acquired relationship status?” I thought.

     As I read, I felt that maybe I’d misjudged the article. The article stated that most single people don’t try to learn themselves during their time alone. The article also stated that many single people don’t enjoy life’s experiences to the fullest because they are too busy trying to get couple up, if only for a night. This struck a chord. I thought I’d been enjoying my life, but was I fully engaging in daily experiences? Was I really enjoying being single? The answer was a resounding no. I’d been bested by a periodical. Read it and weep…literally.

     Instead of being upset that an article had me pegged, I decided to do something about it. I decided to spend more time with not just my friends, but myself. To enjoy the stillness of my own soul instead of the noise of others is peaceful. I do things that improve my mind and body such as meditation. I’ve even joined a women’s group at church. I’m alone but I’m not lonely. Self-assuredness allows you to walk tall against the rain. Insecurity only leaves you soaked. Confidence attracts, which explains the string of dates I’ve been on recently. Nonetheless, life is beautiful.

Who Asked You?

     Opinions are something that each human being comes with. They unite and separate us. How we us them is what makes the difference.

     A few years ago, before Michigan passed the smoking ban, I decided to partake in a nice Cohiba while watching a golf game at a bar. I retrieved my cigar and placed it in my mouth ready to smoke.

    “Are you really going to smoke that?” I heard a voice say.

     I turned to see an attractive auburn haired man in his early 40’s sitting on the once empty stool on my left.

     “I’d planned on it,” I said

     “You know,” he started. “I don’t like women who smoke.”

     “Lucky for you, I have no plan on dating you,” I said taking my matches out of purse.

    “That cigar’s bigger than you are.”

     “A stick of dynamite is small too. Don’t be a hero,” I said as I defiantly struck my match.

     I lit my cigar and turned back towards the golf tournament on the screen. Sensing my annoyance, he stopped talking and left. To this day, I don’t know what he was doing. Either way, his opinion had no bearing on me trying to relax after work.

     You can’t control the opinions of others. People are going to express their thoughts whether they are solicited or not. How you react is up to you.

Back for the First Time

     As we begin a new year, I am reminded that what is in the past should be left there. The same goes for past relationships. No matter how they try to show back up, we shouldn't allow them in our present. What happens when the past tries to pay a random visit?


     Back in June of last year, I answered my office's front desk phone expecting the same old business calls we always get and go the shock of my life.


    "May I speak with Crystal," said the masculine voice on the other end.
  
     "This is she," I replied. "Who is this?"


     "This is Roland."


     "Roland, who?" I asked.


     I heard an amused chuckle on the other end. I'm a receptionist, so I've heard it all over the phone.


     "It's Roland Marciano."


     I felt adrenaline surge through me at top speed. Roland and I had been broken up since that past November. Why was he calling me? At work?


     "I stopped by your apartment," he continued. "You weren't there, so I left my card under your door. I have a new phone, so I don't have your number."


     I was astounded. He was speaking like no time had ever passed between us. Also, I broke up with him, so why would I give him my number?


    
     "Roland, I am at work," I stated.


     "I know. I'd really like to hear from you. Please call me after work," he said.


     "I'll think about."


     "Please do. Goodbye," he said before hanging up.


     The whole day my blood boiled. How dare he call me after all this time? I'd broken up with him because he kept making excuses about when we could see each other. I am an avid believer that you make time for what you want. I got tired of his excuses and ended it.


     As soon as I got home from work, I retrieved his business card he'd left under my door and dialed the number. I heard my heart in my ears and my body was 450 degrees Fahrenheit.


     "Hello," he answered.


     "Roland, this is Crystal," I practically blurted.


     "Sweetie, let me call you back. I've got a client on the other line."


     "Yeah, you call me back."


     Sweetie? He was going to pay for that. He had to be kidding.


     About five minutes later my phone buzzed. I couldn't pick up fast enough.


    "Hello," I said sternly.


     "Sorry, that was a client. I've been playing phone tag for months with him. I've been..."


     "Why did you call me at work today?"


     "So, you just want to get to it?"


     "Yes. You wasted enough time when we were together. Let's not waste more."


     "Well, I was in the area and thought about you."


     He lives in a suburb outside of Detroit. Why would he travel an hour north for business? Ridiculous.


     "It takes you 6 months to think about me?"


     "You wouldn't pick up my calls."


     "You're right. You were always busy. I became busy too."


    "I was thinking we could go to dinned and talk. I came by your apartment this morning."


     "We don't have anything to discuss," I said.


     "I'd like to sit down and talk."


     "There's no point."


     "Let me call you back," he said. "A client is calling."


     "Don't bother. Don't ever contact me again."


     "Ok. I got it," he replied like a sullen child.


     I hung up and never looked back.


     Just because the past makes an abrupt entrance into your present, you don't have to let it in. Show it the exit and keep going. If someone didn't have time for you then, why make time for them now?
   


    

No Great Shakes

     A handshake can tell you a lot about a person. It can also be the prelude to a variety of relationships. Why has the importance of giving a proper handshake been forgotten?


     There are few things worse than a bad handshake. Whether it's bone crushing or limp wristed and loose, it's terrible either way. At the age of 4, my grandfather taught me to shake hands. A handshake was to be firm, straight forward, and you were to look the recipient in the eyes. That last part was important because it would illustrate that you were trustworthy. I have received many handshakes that do not live up to the standard that I was taught by.


    As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I have started my own side business. It is because of this that I find myself at many networking events where handshakes are as freely given as kisses to a long lost lover. These handshakes should be starting future business relationships. Instead, I am left puzzled by what I've just received in my extended hand. I used to think that men were the main givers of bad handshakes, but it is equal opportunity. I have received bone shattering grips from other women as well as handshakes so impotent I thought I was holding a dead fish.


     Handshakes should be a pleasure for both parties. If your handshake is lacking, it will cause others to wonder what else is. Extend your hand, firmly grip and shake with an authoritative fluidity. Last but not least, look them in the eye. You want them to be able to trust you, don't you?

Don't Stop! Get it! Get it!

     Mae West once said that too much of a good thing can be wonderful. How true is that statement? How often do we go overboard on things we enjoy?


     My time in college was filled with academia, friendships, and defining moments, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't drink or party with reckless abandon. Many nights were filled with drinking and dancing. Lord the dancing! From Cosmopolitans to G&Ts to Busch Light 30 packs, too much never seemed to be enough.


     Other areas of my life overflowed unnecessarily also. I hated being home when I was in college. I felt like I had to be at a party full of music constantly. I didn't like being able to hear inside my own head. No party was complete without a great outfit. I shopped like malls were going to be outlawed. By my sophomore year of college I had six credit cards. Sometimes I'd combine my two favorite vices. I'd get tipsy and shop. Very bad idea. I'd get my statements in the mail and not remember a thing until my brain bombarded me with splintered memories of Riesling and receipts.


     Each person has a vice that we overdo. Now at 30, I don't drink and I've put myself on a budget. I'm not perfect, but I realize that moderation is key. Anything in excess can be dangerous.


     Life is meant to be vivid and vibrant. This is not a license to be hedonistic constantly. There is a time and place for everything. An occasional indulgence is fine.

Standards Review

     Standards are put in place for a reason. In many cases, you shouldn't ever compromise. Why is it that we adhere to standards except the ones that we set for ourselves?


     The week before my 30th birthday, I was at one of my favorite downtown restaurants when I ran into a few people I'd met there before. The three of them are professors at the local community college. Rochelle is a psychology professor, Stuart is a Spanish professor, and Bob is a music professor. They had other friends that came and went as the evening progressed. Later into the evening it was just Stuart, myself and Bob. Somehow the conversation turned toward dating and relationships. I mentioned that I didn't date men in their 20's and 30's because of my multiple bad experiences.


    "You wouldn't date a guy who's in his 30's?" Stuart asked amused.


     "No, I have had a quite a few bad experiences. If I did I would have to do research on him first," I said standing firm.


      "Really? Bob's 37."


     Bob seemed charming, funny, and smart. He was okay looking, but I'd thought he was older.


     "You are?" I asked amazed.


     The second I said that, Stuart went into wingman mode by asking me about my interests and linking them to Bob's.


     "I see what you're doing," I quipped.


     Stuart went home leaving Bob and I to talk. As I said, I don't date guys so close to my age. (I turned 30 in June.) I prefer men 41-57 years old. We just seem to interact better. There are less games and we have better conversations. Bob seemed different and his full head of salt and pepper hair didn't hurt. What can I say? I'm a sucker for graying hair. We exchanged number and headed our respective ways. The next day, he invited me to a pool party that his friends were throwing at their home.


     The pool party went well and his friends seemed nice. However, his friend who was throwing the party after a few drinks told him "not to screw this up." That was the first red flag. In addition, he disclosed that he was in therapy and hadn't even told Stuart why. For the sake of his privacy, I will take the high road and not disclose the reason either. In spite of this,  Bob and I made a date for that next Friday, which was the day after my birthday. He and I were supposed to see each other the day before our date. I received a text that day from him saying he wouldn't be able to make it. The older I get, the more I trust my gut. My stomach churned in such a way that I knew something was amiss.


     Sure enough, at a few minutes before midnight and the beginning of my 30th birthday, he sent me a 4 page text message that said that though we'd "shared special moments" he'd met someone that he wanted to get to know. As a result we wouldn't be able to go on our date the next day.


     I wasn't hurt, just irritated. We'd only known each other a week, so there was no emotion stock in him. I have no patience for immaturity such as this. My text back to him was 3 sentences long. It read: I don't appreciate having plans made to have them broken. I also don't appreciate having my time wasted. Don't ever call me again..


    This incident taught me a lesson. Never lower my standards no matter how charming a man appears to be. He initially wasn't my type, it would've been best if I'd stuck to that. I should've ran for the hills when his friend warned him not to screw up and when he told me he was in therapy. Standards are set in place as a form of measurement. If a man doesn't measure up, there is no reason to move forward.